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Shufflingdead > Articles > Humans
The Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything
This website was always called "Newbs' Knowledge of Life, the Universe and Everything" yet I've never explained the meaning of it all. So you really want to know, do you? The grand purpose for which any of us do anything? Okay, here it is. The meaning of life is sex.
 | Mari Winsor. Her products have gotten her rich and gotten her some cock. |
As I finished listening to The Dandy Warhol's "Bohemian Like You" for the fourth time in a row, gleefully anticipating the next episode of Daria that I was "acquiring", and as the memory of having watched Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas just a few hours beforehand still floated in my mind, it hit me. You know, I don't really do much other than consume media. That thought then led me to the conclusion that I am living in a very peaceful and well off community, in the richest province of a country with one of the best standards of living in the world, and that I was, I am, living the best life that can conceivably be lived. Slowly though, the feeling crept over me that that cannot be true, for I have not been laid.
Staying alive is pretty basic, we eat, we breathe, we shit, we sleep. All any of this does is keep us alive, there has to be a reason to get up every morning, and that reason is fucking. I'm sure that you've all heard people say things like "I live for my kids", "I live for my job", "I live for crack" well all of those are really just side effects of the one true purpose. People live for their kids because they've done the fucking, and now they're just seeing the fruits of their labor all the way through. People live for their jobs to impress people into believing they're worthy of sex. People live for crack to get away from not getting enough action.
The human race is doomed. Either we'll nuke ourselves or the sun will explode or a great alien race will conquer us. We cloud our judgments with religion and "fate" but deep down everybody knows that we're screwed. All we can do is sit around fucking, hoping that it'll lead to a solution to this "doom" thing. We're all engineered to want sex, because sex leads to more people, and the more people there are, the more likely the human species will last another day.
 | When women do this look it makes them a lot of money. |
Somewhere along the way humans figured out ways of preventing pregnancy. Thus sex became a recreational activity for all those horny, and was no longer reserved for the stogy old bastards who had made it into "committed relationships". It was with these condoms, pills, sponges and dams that everybody went off the blasted deep end and lost their bloody minds. If we can satisfy all the sexual urges we have with only a very minimal risk of ever actually having children, then we have way more time to do all the shit that impresses the opposite sex.
I was playing a few video games recently and thinking about what drove me to spend so much time with them. It's the sense of accomplishment I get from figuring out puzzles, bashing the hell out of really big monsters, earning cool upgrades and eventually beating the games. I then turned off the TV and saw an info-mercial with a bunch of women sitting around talking about some crazy ass "Winsor-Pilates" workout program. You know, to get those long, lean muscles that give you the sought-after gymnast physique. The point is that guys like gaining as many random abilities as possible because women like guys who can do a lot of useless stuff. Ladies like learning as much as possible about how to look good because guys like ladies who look good.
With pregnancy removed from the act of sex it has come to a point where this is all most people do anymore. We sit gobbling down mass entertainment, filling our brains with unfathomable amounts of useless information. Sometimes we're hoping we will find that one tiny fact that will make us rich, famous, and physically attractive. Trying to grasp some kind of singular morsel of fact that will lead us to the path of sexual fulfillment. Other times we're just trying to escape reality, our cramped personal hells.
Occasionally you'll have someone escape from this dull life. Some guys will create the most popular operating system for personal computers, or walk on the moon, or sing a few songs in front of a crowd, and man do those guys get a lot of pussy. A girl or two will be born with incredibly huge tits, or she'll figure out how to do a come-hither look in front of a camera and man do those chicks get a lot of cock.
We're all in a big race, hoping to get ahead of the crowd, thinking it will get us noticed and therefore nailed.
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