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Those of you who live on the planet earth are already aware that the single greatest type of human is the rare and elusive beatnik. A group shrouded in mystery and dark secrets, beatniks can only be found by the most patient of all those in search of their magical way of life. The only type of people who I actually wish there were more of are the beatniks, which is why I have painstakingly spent my hard earned time to write you a three step program to becoming a beatnik.

Jesus!

• Step 1: What kind of beatnik do you want to be?
  Surprisingly, there are several layers of beatniks, which one you are depends on how "intelligent," "cool," and "trendy" you are.
  • Level 1: A level one beatnik is the most common and least "cool" type. The level 1's are often referred to as "posers" by higher class beatniks. The level 1's believe anything popular and mainstream is uncool and favor things which seem "underground."
    
  • Level 2: The level 2 beatniks are tired of everyone copying their "underground" preferences and so they prefer mainstream stuff. Level 2's are infamous for relentlessly torturing the level 1 "newbies."
    
  • Level 3: There is always one person in a group of beatnik's who looks like "Jesus," these are the level 3's. Level 3's are tired of disliking something because it seems underground but is now popular and so they prefer truly obscure, underground things. Level 3's defend the level 1's from the level 2's and can't stand "people who don't like people just because they're newbies."
    
  • Level 4: Level 4's are above all other classes of beatniks. They do whatever the fuck they want just because they can. Without level 4's there would be no beatnik sub culture. Level 4's are the actual artists, musicians, and clothing designers who set the trends for everyone else and make ridiculous amounts of money from "not selling out."
  
  
• Step 2: Looking the Part
  After selecting your appropriate level of beatnik you must look like a beatnik. Despite the fact that different levels of beatniks claim to like completely different things, they all like the same things. All beatniks must wear clothing which looks like it cost virtually nothing. You can choose to either go out and spend hundreds of dollars on things that look like they came straight off the back of a homeless man if your a level 1 or 2 or you can actually go out and beat a homeless drunk and steal his clothes as the level 3's and 4's do. No matter what level you are, you're required to pick up a pair of dark, thick rimmed glasses. Bongo drums are a nice touch as well, if you saved some money because you got your clothes from a "street person," then you should consider getting a set, even if you have no intention of ever playing them. If you have chosen to be a level 3, don't forget, you have to start growing those "flowing locks" and beard right away!
  
  

  GUL GLUG LUGLE GLUG... ...uhh, what was I talking about?

• Step 3: Act the Part
  Now that you look like a beatnik you must do as the beatnik does. You must go to coffee shops, read and write poetry and snap instead of clap. A vast majority of beatniks are University students, which means they've got hours and hours to spend in a coffee shop and do absolutely nothing. Now, if you're a high school student you probably have things such as a "job" or "homework" taking up a lot of your time, you're going to have to end these maddening activities right now. You might be thinking "but then I won't have any money and I'll be stupid!" well folks, I can tell you that becoming a beatnik will cover for you. Being a beatnik means money will magically appear in your wallet every day and you will be surrounded by an "aura" of intelligence, teachers will simply give you good grades for no actual reason.
  
  

As you can tell, becoming a beatnik is the most important thing you can possibly do during your short, pointless existence. Do not fear my loyal subjects, for I shall guarantee that future generations will have the same access to important beatnik-life style information as you. There will always be another beatnik to fill your shoes in this epic battle against people who aren't beatniks and are therefore evil types!