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Shufflingdead > Articles > Advice
Dear Abby, I’m a Whiny Dumbass!
-Awesomeness Supreme
People are stupid. In the course of a day, you meet many stupid people. Some
try to hide their stupidity, yet others (pppsssst, these are the annoying
ones) feel the need to show others how dumb they really are with their need
for advice on problems that could be easily solved. Some take it to the max
with their letters to some woman named "Abby" who gives advice that’s only
good for hobos, cuz well, what more have they got to lose? In order to
reveal to the world the stupidity in all advice given by Abby, I shall offer
my kickass advice to those poor souls. Feel free to take my advice, as I am
awesome.
These are all real letters (edited for length); yes, these poor bastards do
really exist outside of my own mind.
I'm a single woman in my 20s who works hard and has friends I like and
respect. One of them, however, "Ava," is making it hard for me to be around
her. Ava is 38, never married, has had only one boyfriend in her life, and
is very lonely. As a single person, I understand how that can feel.
It has become a daily ritual for her to come over to my desk for one of the
following three reasons: (1) to talk about her loneliness and having nothing
in her life to look forward to; (2) to borrow change because she has no
money for doughnuts, a soda, etc; (3) to rub my back so I'll feel obligated
to rub her shoulders that day. (I don't ask for the back rub, but I did once
-- two years ago -- and now she thinks we have an unspoken agreement.)
Abby’s advice is to stop giving this woman change and to stop listening to
her fucking problems. WEAK.
My (obviously better) advice is as follows, choose one:
-Tell Ava to kill herself. It’s better for her, and more importantly, it’s
better for you. Make sure she knows what an unbearable pain in the ass she
is; remind her of this fact every time you see her. Tell her that she is
indeed a lonely person and that the only cool thing she can look forward to
now is death, which would be a sweet sweet relief from her hellish life.
Keep in mind that you’re still her friend, and as such, you will be required
to help her through this tough time. Offer to do things like buy her the
painkillers, it would be rude not to. Or show her where to cut herself so
it’s all over that much faster, cuz truthfully, you can’t stand to have her
live another minute longer. But remember, it is very important that she
makes a will. Help her complete this special task by suggesting yourself to
be the sole beneficiary, as it would hurry things along as well as get you
lots of awesome monetary assets. It is clear that her death would really be
a benefit to you. Do it, do it now. Another second she is alive is another
second that you have to deal with her bastardliness while not rolling in the
dough from her will.
-Use her wish for change against her. Wave quarters in front of her face
then throw them over a bridge. As she is a freeloading bastard, she will go
for the money and fall gleefully to her death many centimetres below. There
wont even be blood on your hands, as her own idiocy caused her to die
horribly. Again, it is essential to ensure that your name appears in her
will. Or, if that plan is too hard for you to remember, or if you’re just a
rich bastard anyway, forget about the will, or even her death, and just aim
for injuring her. Just throw as many pennies at her head as possible. It’ll
make you feel better, trust me. Hopefully, she will be so surprised at your
brutish behaviour that she takes a good 50 in the head before trying to
fight back, but who doesn’t love a spare change fight?
Or you could be lacking in all creativity and settle for kicking her in the
face. Whatever hurts her and makes you laugh.
Or you could even go the other way and give her all the spare change she
could want and give her extra donuts everyday, hoping for her to die a
grisly obesity induced death. But that one might take awhile. Do you really
want to wait for this?
-Be a lesbian. Well, you’re both single and giving each other back rubs
anyway. She’s already taking all of your money away from you anyway, it’s
like you’re already fucking married for godsakes.
-Just take it. If you’re too much of a wuss to take any of my awesome advice
involving killing the annoying woman, you’re beyond help. You are now doomed
to a life of helping others and giving money away while being touched by an
abhorrent woman, you stupid ass. Congratulations, you lose at life!
Wow, I’m tired after giving out such awesome advice. I guess all those other
fools will have to wait until another time to hear my advice. If you are a
poor soul searching for answers to life, I will take a few seconds of my
time to assist you in finding your way to the true path to happiness.
Contact me and prepare to be wowed. It’ll be Awesomeness Supreme in your
face!
Disclaimer: We will not be held responsible for any injuries that result
from this article, as we do not advocate the use of violence in any form.
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