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Shufflingdead > Articles > Conspiracies
Goddamn Starcraft!
 | A flying couch. |
The mere ability to access this webpage indicates to me that you already understands the pure evil that is Counter Strike. I'm sure you have all heard of the wretched legion of fourteen year old boys who have made it their lives to join clans of, create hacks for, complain about and sometimes even play this very evil game. Now the acronym for this game is "CS." The acronym for the game Starcraft is "SC." Coincidence, I think not! Thanks to a few unnamed sources, I have recently discovered the cold hard facts about exactly what it is the world of Starcraft is doing to destroy my life.
I have owned the computer game Starcraft for many years now, I long ago beat the single player missions for the game, as well as the missions included in the games expansion pack, Brood War. They were fun, but not overly amazing. Beyond these missions, the game provides the ability to create and play customized maps against the computer and human opponents. While every once in awhile I would get an urge to have a custom game with the computer, I never really ventured into the world of online play. Mostly out of fear of having to talk to other people who use the internet, but that's beside the point. I was never really able to forget about the game, just when I was ready to forever uninstall the thing, I would be compelled to have one more match against the computer. I have now realized that this was a clever ploy on the part of the games AI to keep me hooked until just the right opportunity came along when it would hurl me into the world of online play.
 | They want you to think tough guys like this drink Tang. |
Very recently I was convinced to have a game of Starcraft against a couple of old chums. Simply a friendly little game I naively thought! Probably never going to play against other people again was my prediction! No, things most certainly did not turn out this way. Since this one little match, I have been unable to go more than five hours without jumping online and starting up a game with whoever is willing. I wake up to play the game, I go to bed when I can no longer keep my eyes open to see my monitor. I will ignore ringing phones, food, family, and even porn for the unparalleled pleasure of Starcraft.
What dark, evil and mysterious purpose does Starcraft have that it compels me to do these things? I'm sure you are unable to think of what a game could possibly need with me. Well, the game of Starcraft is set in the cold depths of space in the distant future. The game features a great deal of inter-stellar travel, immense flying vessels traveling from planet to planet to make the proud wars of the future. These flying vessels are flown by astronauts, and when these astronauts get thirsty on their long flights, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY DRINK? Yeah, that's right, TANG! The company which made Starcraft, Blizzard, obviously built a time machine and discovered that in the future astronauts were not drinking Tang. Logically, they have invested in the Tang industry and they have made it their business to insure the consumption of Tang well into the wars mutant humans have with ancient races of super-intelligent aliens. I assure you my pupils, Blizzard has gone back to the future, and have seen themselves become very wealthy as Tang is guzzled by every Dropship operator, Wraith pilot, and Battlecruiser captain in the universe.
 | kekekekekeke ^_^ |
Then there's the online community. Outside of my merry band of Starcraft cohorts there are thousands of poor souls, impossibly addicted to the game. Oddly enough, the game has caught on in South Korea like no where else. You know who lives in Korea? Yeah, that's right... women! Obviously the female population of Korea has decided I should never get laid. So guess what! They just spend their whole lives in front of their computers, luring me into game after game in a diabolical attempt to prevent my penis from ever entering a vagina! As if I didn't have problems enough with the Rubix cube that is the female reproductive organ. Speaking of Rubix cube's, nothing has so greatly frustrated me as that son of a bitch puzzle, obviously a ploy to anger me so greatly that my head erupts in a volcano of blood and gore. The Rubix cube reminds me of chess in some ways, and chess reminds me of Starcraft, yet another connection too eerie to just be coincidence. Clearly I have just scratched the surface of the evil which lurks within Goddamn Starcaft.
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