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Shufflingdead > Articles > Conspiracies
The Trouble with Tang
Why Tang do you ask? Its simple. Plain and simple...Completely plain...and completely simple...
Ok...its not simple at all...
In Pashtu(one of 2 languages spoken in Afghanistan) Tang is the word for Marijuana. You might think that that's a coincidence...but really...think about it...IT'S TANG!! The only people that would ever actually drink this refreshing non-fruit 100% flavoured drink in a freezer pouch are astronauts...but then you have to ask yourself...is it really Tang that these astronauts are drinking? They always say that they send the brave space-farers into space with large quantities of Tang...but that might just be code in Pashtu for them sending some unusually intelligent potheads into space to test the effects of this illicit substance that we will now refer to as "Chem X" under almost 0 Gravity.
Now I'm not saying that testing "Chem X" on some of the finest minds in the world isn't a good idea...hell the finest minds in the world *are* potheads...just look at Einstein... you don't actually think he came up with the theory of relativity level do you? He was completely stoned out of his mind when he wrote E = mc2 on a blackboard. He probably thought it was the funniest shit he had seen since the Model T.
What you say? Tang is the Chem X that we have all been looking for on dark street corners and in parents bedrooms? Of course not. I never said that. Er...well I did...but ignore that...Tang does not = instant stoner...unless you concentrate it a lot and drink it like its 1999...even then you'll probably only get a sugar high and have an intense desire to kill main and destroy anything Tang related.-- hmmm...note to self -- may have world domination possibilities --
Tang is also a world leader in the artificial fruit drink market...beating out both Kool-aid and crystallized iced-tea. The Tang market has seen noticiable conflict in high concentrations of Kool-aid drinking areas...such as the former Yugoslavia and South America. The terrorist attacks and geurilla warfare being waged in these areas is no coincidence...its an international artificial fruit drink market war gone mad. The Tang-ers are fighting Kool-aid int'l activists, the coke an pepsi companies are vying for supremacy over the drink markets, and the crystallized iced-tea companies are hiring assasins to fight out everyone so that they can push their obviously superior product.
In conclusion(because its 12:40am and I'm running out of things to talk about when I have no one to talk to except notepad) Tang is slowly and inexorably becoming more powerful than even the tobacco companies...its sweet blend of "Chem X" and artificial fruit flavours will take you into orbit. And that is kind of ironic since so many astronauts seem to do just that with it...
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