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Shufflingdead > Articles > Dating
I'm Here to Help!
I've come to rescue all you Newbites with something you desperately need, instructions on how to talk to "women." I will now take you through a few of the conversations I've had with those lucky ladies I've formerly had "things" for.
During a math class:
Newbs:hey C****, do you have a "gentleman friend?" (note use of air quotes)
C****:a what?
Newbs:a gentleman friend
C****:a what?
Newbs:a boyfriend
C****:ohh. yes
Newbs:is he in university?
C****:yes
Newbs:is he a beatnik?
C****:a what?
Newbs:a beatnik?
C****:a what?
Newbs:never mind
So what have I learned form this experience? I have learned the average female understands about 30 words and has a vocabulary of about 3. You should take this into consideration when chatting with a lady of your own, don't use big words.
The following took place on ICQ:
Newbius:Some of less educated friends have been calling this a date
Whore:seriously? LOL
Obviously it was a date, I knew it, she knew it, my moron friends knew it, I was just trying to get her to say it. Things quickly fell apart after that as you can imagine. What you should take from this is: don't do that!
On the bus after school:
Newbius:do you know who I am?
?:no...
Newbius:I am a complete stranger
?:wow
Newbius:Do you like talking to complete strangers
?:no
Newbius:'Cause that's me. (as I point to sign with an old, overweight man which reads "your internet chat girl")
If a woman is younger than you, but still attractive, you are not authorized to talk to her. Apparently females don't like strangers, they have the weirdest fear about creepy guys "doing stuff" to them.
I will now take you through the single event in my life which I manage to beat into the ground for the year and a half after it occurred. I apologize in advance for this being so long and for the mere fact I'm using it, I'll never bring the event up again on this site. This is a must read if you're ever going to a school dance:
K****:Would you like to dance?
Newbs:all right! (as I fly out of my chair and jump half a meter into the air)
K****:Next slow song...
Newbs:oh yeah. all right
K****:(after a few fast songs) I promised a guy I'd dance with him and he's going to leave soon so next slow song after the next one
Newbs:okay
K****:(after quite a few more fast songs) They aren't playing any slow songs. The guy had to go so next slow song.
Newbs:okay
K****:(once they finally play a slow song) lets dance
Newbs:(I continue to sit in my chair to make it look like I'm "playing it cool" or something) okay
K****:come on (I join her on the dance floor. Struggle to find proper dance position and finally settle with my hands on her hips.)
K****:am I the first person you've danced with?
Newbs:uhh no. well uhh... yeah
Some prep:Newbs you sex maniac! Give me five!
Newbs:huh what? oh yeah. (I "give him five")
Newbs:(continue dancing with young hottie with minimal conversation and a lot of staring at the floor) (song finally ends)
K****:thanks!
Newbs:no, thank you! (note incredibly enthusiastic voice)
So what can we learn from this?
- Don't lay awake the following night continuously replaying the event through your head
- Don't stalk the girl you danced with
- Don't not tell anybody about it for a year
- Don't suddenly start telling everybody about it a year after it happened
- Don't do it.
I hope you will take into consideration the previous examples of how to talk to young ladies next time you encounter someone you've "got a package" for.
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