Content
 Archives
 Articles
    Conspiracies
    Dating
    Galleries
    Guides
    Society
    More >>
 Cock Wars
 Comics
 Mailbag
 Staff
 TotW

Over the many years I have presented you, my loyal reader, with many unique ways of catching yourself a mate. In fact, it's been at least two years since my very first dating article was put up. It's surprising then that so very many incredible and seemingly fool-proof plans failed miserably when I put them into practice. However, at long last I have managed to procure myself a young lady. I will now give to you the ultimate report on everything there is to know about the process of finding a mate.

I will now disprove all advice I've ever heard.

"It's all about confidence!"
Probably the most common piece of advice a person looking for some action gets is this lovely oversimplified statement. Of course, they're half right, but I like to think of them as being completely and mind numbingly wrong in every possible way. You see, by confidence, they mean you have to brag about completely normal, but still important and major things, that make you look like a responsible young man. I'm talking about things like having a job that makes more money than those lower class friends of yours you have around simply to make you look good as well as having your own car and the ability to drive it with mild proficiency. Now, it's true that the ladies like a guy with confidence. The thing is, you just have to show her that you are confident in different ways. For instance, a willingness to do absolutely anything short of risking arrest in public. Not being afraid to openly discuss your nerdy interests is also an asset.

A guy who was not strayed by poor advice and ended up getting laid.

"Spruce up your style a bit dude!"
I'm afraid that changing just to fit the ideals of our society does nothing but show a lack of confidence, which was just determined to be quite important. Instead, sticking with whatever entrenched habits of dress and diet you might have shows character.

"Avoid Instant Messaging at All Costs!"
They say using some sort of instant messaging service is guaranteed to make you look bad. They say "chatting" with somebody is meaningless, they say no one has ever succeed from using this software. They are wrong! Comprehensively tested and perfected, chatting with someone, even if it's the only form of communication you have with a person can do incredible things.

"It'll always happen when you're not looking for it!"
Well I'm sure people find companions when they're not looking for one from time to time but in the end it really makes no difference. All someone has to do is slowly introduce a potential "life-mate" to their desperation and all will be fine, just remember to not come on too strong too quickly.

One would think it makes no sense, I mean, I've disproved every piece of dating advice I've ever heard and none of my unique contrivances ever worked either, so what's the trick you say? Well kids, today you're in for a treat, today I'm going to give you the only scheme that will ever work. Article after article, I have come up with plans, and plots and even machinations describing various ways to catch yourself a lady. Well today I offer you an incredible new idea regarding the art of "fishing for females." This new monstrosity is so truly remarkable that it worked for even yours truly. Now I realize I stated above in big bold letter that no amount of advice will ever help you, but even more recently I stated that I have developed a plan that will work. So who you gonna believe? Some kinda crazy ass bold lettered, or should I say bold faced lie, or a nice sensible statement about a plan to trick a girl into loving you? Huh? Huh? That's what I thought...

It all starts with my very first dating article. You see, back then I claimed the best way to find yourself a female was to find some poor sucker on ICQ to harass. Well, it seems that all it takes is practice in the art of online chatting to seduce a young lass. Sure, that first girl quickly decided to never talk to me again, and so did the next couple girls after that. Eventually I managed to hang onto a few and even kept talking to them when everyone made the switch from ICQ to MSN. Hell, there's even the odd chapette who talks to me on a regular basis IN REAL LIFE that I met this way. This is what I recommend you begin with. Girls are more willing to listen to your babble over the internet, which gives you a perfect opportunity to introduce them to the few personal "quirks" you might posses which would typically make you "un-datable."

Once they're starting to enjoy chatting with you and seem to be fairly comfortable with the various habits you've developed in your lifetime it's time to start laying the guilt on them. Start working into your conversations little jokes about your past attempts at acquiring females. If you've got it, show them the website you built dedicated to whining about how you can't get a girlfriend. Eventually, convince them they need to give you advice on how to get a girl. If they do, you've got them right where you want them my son. You see, the advice will, obviously, be tailored to their own preferences. Pay careful attention to everything they tell you and start taking their recommendations. If they tell you you need to start smelling like a fruit, then gay it up a little and use fruity smelling stuff. It's during this time you need to trick the girl into hanging out with you. After all, she won't know you smell funny unless she sees you in real life. What you've got to do is look for excuses, if you've got any mutual friends, that makes it easy, especially if said mutual friend has a birthday coming up and you both have an urge to express your artistic capabilities through his gift.

All it takes now is to show this girl, who you're cautiously becoming madly infatuated with, the many benefits of a joint gift. If the girl is not some sort of evil wretched demon beast (careful, some of them are) she will gladly come to your place of residence for the purpose of creating a lovely artistic creation for your friend. You, of course know that this encounter is not simply for artistry. Nay, it is an excuse to see her and work your "magic." Like I said, if she wants you to smell like apricot and cucumbers soaked in raspberry juice, then be sure to be chewing a gum that smells like that. If she had some other kinds of dating advice, then you'd best be doing those things.

From here on it's all clear sailing. Yes, there is the actual "asking out" one of you must do, all that takes though is some carefully placed "I like you more than my Gamecube, I'd ask you out but I am a fearful little boy" statements on MSN and soon enough you'll be talking to her on the telephone and she'll suddenly say "will you go out with me?" to which, now this is important to remember, you must reply "yes." I know that it's easy to get caught up in the jumping up and down and giggling like a school girl business you can't wait to start, but first you absolutely must say yes. There you have it, that's it. Easy to follow and applicable to anyone's situation, my tried tested and true guide really works.