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Shufflingdead > Articles > Dating
FUCKING FUCK SOMEBODY NOW
Anyone who has followed my so called "dating articles" would know that I have come up with many, many, many plans to trick girls into falling into so-called "serious" relationships with me. They would also know that somehow, somewhere along the way, that one of my plans worked and that for a time I was in one of these "serious relationships." That's all fine and dandy, but now I am on to something new. I have had something of a revelation you see, I am in my sexual prime and have yet to get laid. I am coming up on 19 years of age and I have squandered my time on far less pressing matters than that of the ultimate goal in life: pussy. THE AVERAGE AGE THAT PEOPLE IN MY COUNTRY LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY IS 16! The idea that all these little punk bastards are running around fucking each other while I'm sitting here getting old and most definitely not having sex is a travesty. Not only that, if I don't get laid soon it'll really throw off the average and we couldn't have that. For all of these reasons I am launching a brand new life agenda, that being the "FUCKING FUCK SOMEBODY NOW" agenda.
 | High school chicks beware, I'm comin' for yeh. |
Before I really get into this, there's something that I'd like to acknowledge. From what I've learned by watching an inexorable amount of cliched love stories is that somewhere along the way, my plan will actually work, and then whatever girl it worked on will find this article and hate me until I can buy her enough junk to make up for it. In an attempt to stave off this problem of having to buy my woman junk, I would like to state that just because I picked you up while on a mission to accomplish fucking somebody, and just because you were not the first girl I tried to fuck, these are not reasons to be angry at me. Yes, the fucking comes first and foremost, but a "relationship" as well is lovely, and there's no order of girls that I'd like to fuck, it's luck of the draw. Now on to the plan.
The FUCKING FUCK SOMEBODY NOW agenda is a commitment to trying many different strategies for picking up ladies all at once as often as I possibly can until something actually works. These include: hitting on high school girls after their classes, calling up every girl I've ever been attracted to and finding out if they're single, horny, and or willing to tolerate my presence long enough for some kind of "date," hitting on any female customers I think I might have any kind of chance with at work, tracking down all the girls that have accidentally ended up on my instant messaging lists and finding foreigners to trick into thinking Canadians have bigger cocks.
Admittedly, I've actually tried most of these strategies before, and yeah I know, none have gotten me laid. The key lies in how these strategies are actually carried out though. You see, I used to hit on the high school ladies, but that was when I was actually IN high school. Now I'm older, wiser, more confident, richer, and definitely more full of shit. There is nothing that impresses a high school girl more than being able to ramble on about complete shit for hours. Then there's this digging up girls from my past failures and taking another "swing" at them. Check out this incredible plan I once came up with for hitting on girls while I'm drunk (it's from this article):
"Now, once you're semi-drunk, cuddle up to absolutely anyone near you who you wish wasn't attached to some poser yuppie bastard of death and destruction, reveal to them your luscious indented nipples, and gently run your cave troll hands along their silky smooth womanhood."
The results of that incident have now been declassified and it's safe to admit that that plan did, shockingly, fail. Not only that, but the guy she was "attached" to ended up not being a "poser yuppie bastard of death and destruction." That's of no importance though, the thing to remember here is that that girl is still alive, attractive, and even single.
The only strategy that's actually new here is the "hitting on any female customers I think I might have any kind of chance with at work" thing. I don't really know how I can conceivably work this, especially considering how likely it is I'll get fired for it. That's all right though, it'll be worth it. How funny it'll be when the customers are complaining to my boss about the sexual harassment, I mean.
 | She's studying now, but she won't be able to take my constant harassment forever. |
The other two strategies, stalking girls from my instant messaging lists and hitting on foreigners are my two oldest of plans. In fact, they were what the first two dating articles on this site were about. I'd say it's definitely time to break them out and have another go. Girls I used to chat with have gotten a chance to forget all the horrible things I used to talk about. I never actually thought of bringing up the "Canadians have bigger cocks" issue with my international lady contacts before, so, hey, that might just have a chance too.
In the end, it's not really about who I fuck, just how long it is before I finally do fuck somebody. You're probably thinking that this all sounds like a great deal of work, hitting on girls is tough stuff you say especially when you're doing it at such an incredible rate, thinking it'd be better to relax and wait for the right lady to come along perhaps. No my friends, I am getting old, soon I fear that I will be unable to even perform some of the more complicated ways of defiling a woman, it is now or never.
Sex has always been that unachievable goal for me. I mean, I know what it is, I know that everybody around me is having it, I know I want it, but it's always out of reach. Now though, with a rigorous schedule of contacting women, and a clearly defined singular goal, I feel that I am on the verge of something truly great. I am afraid I must be on my way now, there is an infinite world of women to be had, and a very finite amount of time I can take advantage of them.
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