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Shufflingdead > Articles > Dating
Project Reality
 | The Emperor never came up with a scheme this great. |
What is Project Reality? Project Reality is a great scheme, nay the greatest scheme, to get laid which I have ever devised. It is an all mighty and absolute regime which I will instigate upon my very own life, with the singular goal of picking up the ladies. At Project Reality's core is this simple rule: forget everything I think I know about the female gender and do some really fucking crazy stuff with unrelenting voracity. This plan is not a specific series of tasks to complete, but more of a series of guidelines which I will follow en route to some sweet action. Though I am speaking for myself, any young man may follow my lead, by all means boys, hop aboard the Awesome train.
The name "Project Reality" comes from the codename Nintendo used for the N64 while it was in development. There was always something epic and tragic about that period in the company's history. When they lost so much 3rd party support, people talked about Nintendo's "dream team" of in house developers trying to support the console. They did some amazing things of course, Mario 64 was revolutionary, I've heard Ocarina of Time described as Zelda creator Miyamoto's "magnum opus." In the end though, the console still represents Nintendo's fall from the top of the industry. It reminds me somehow of the Soviet Union beating back the Nazi's in World War II, the Soviet's won, but at what cost? These are the very things which my Project Reality embodies, a point in history so epic that is sad in a way, the last march of the Ents, if you will.
Project Reality's true force comes from a cracking of my own self-control. For this plan, I shall catapult myself into the deepest, dankest depths of the most uncomfortable situations I can possibly imagine.
 | This man is a hero. |
For instance, I have picked up I single "get-up," a shirt, a pair of pants, and a method of styling my hair, which all shoe-horn me directly into modern "fashion." The jeans come from one of the most vial corporations on earth, The Gap. Not only that, but they are jeans which the company is actually advertising on tv right now, that's how much of a fucking sell out I am. Speaking of shoe-horning, these fucking jeans are so tight I have to finagle my manly man package down into them. This look, on a whole, is the most atrocious and even degrading thing I can possibly imagine, and from here on out it will be known simply as my "clown costume." Apparently though, the ladies like this sort of thing. Not just that, but since I am a repeat offender of deciding I enjoy a particular lady simply by the way she looks, I suppose that this is only fair. My plan is to wear this clown costume when I am around the ladies, so that they might notice my scrawny nerd body in a sexual manner. Doing this will hopefully head off that nasty habit the ladies have of skipping right to the "friend zone" with me.
New clothes may get a young lady interested in a human male, but something more is needed for this scheme to come to fruition. This is where Project Reality's second plan comes in. A member of the Shufflingdead forums recently suggested I follow the evil plot devised by Something Positive in this comic. The idea is that I write a dating resume and give it out to girls in malls, bars, the street, and wherever else I might encounter targets. Sadly, I am struggling with writing this resume at the moment. Here is the cover letter as it stands:
Dear Human Female,
I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, and even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.
Enclosed is a copy of my dating resume for your perusal. If you would be interested in pursuing my awesomeness further, you may contact me via email at newbs@shufflingdead.com.
Andrew "Newbs" Newborn
And the resume:
Dating Resume
Experience
I have had one girlfriend previously, and additionally been friends with countless other young ladies in the last several years. Though none of these interactions have led me to get laid, I have acquired some experience in the field of foreplay, and am confident that I could apply and expand this knowledge.
Interests
For the past four years I have run the website www.shufflingdead.com, which is dedicated to exploring the meaning of life, the universe, and everything through articles, comics, and even celebrity interviews. Additionally, I play a disgusting amount of video games and am a tremendous Nintendo fanboy. Other interests include Magic: The Gathering, RISK, bonsai, reading, porn, walking, and building a huge Lego tower out of all my Lego. I look to share these interests with a female companion.
Skills
-currently learning how to ride a bicycle
-some degree of html and web mastery skills
-pretty much all of the basic and fine motor skills that a human being is capable of
Perhaps you see my difficulty. I really don't know what the ladies are looking for, so I really have no fucking clue how to sell myself to them. I'm also pretty sure this resume makes me sound like a jackass. If you'd like to help me out on this noble endeavor, toss your ideas in this forum thread.
So far, these are the only two plans to come out of Project Reality. As more ideas develop, I shall make you, the internet, privy to their inner workings. That is, of course, only if these current plans fail. Fuck knows, I might just get one of these things right one day.
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