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At long last the absolutely most utterly useful, widely celebrated and hotly anticipated holiday of the year has arrived! That's right, it's Valentines Day, to celebrate I'm doing what all those other "comedy" sites are doing and writing an article about this most special and time honored holiday.

Valentines Day is a time to remind all of your inferior friends that you are good enough to have a "special someone." To do this, of course, you've got to make it as blatantly obvious as possible that you are "attached" and that they are not. I really do feel sorry for all of those useless rejects incapable of getting a "sweetheart" which is why I have decided to come to their rescue. Here's what you are required to do on Valentines Day if you happen to be a freak and are unable to get a grab-ass partner of your own:

• Wear a giant chocolate box just like Steve Urkel did
  

  If you happen to have a special lady who's resisted your attempts at cracking into her "under clothing" just as Steve Urkel did then this is just the ticket! You'll be sure to get her attention when you break into her kitchen, ask her if she'd like a chocolate and then say something along the lines of "the one in the middle is the sweetest." If she still refuses then what you must do is invent a machine which will change your clothes, stretch your vocal cords so as to produce a deeper, sexier man voice and legally change your name to something cooler such as Stefan Urkél. This is most definitely the one sure course of action for the desperate "teen male." After all, nothing shows off confidence more than changing your entire personality to impress one girl.
  
  
  

• Express your emotions to your lady target with poetry
  If by some chance you look like the fellow on the right and have a name similar to Cyrano then expressing your love for a particular lady must be done with poetry! Go to the window of your lady loves room at night with a bull horn and begin reciting your very own poetry. If you are not intelligent enough to write your own poetry then you may borrow some of my own:
  Roses are red,
  violets are blue.
  I want you in my bed
  so I can cover you in "glue."
  
  
  
• Show him your "jubilies"
  This advice was not written simply for males which is why I give this advice to the ladies. Any male, will absolutely, without question, accept a young lady as his "Valentine" as long as she flashes him those lumps of fat you carry around on your chest. It doesn't matter if a guy has a girlfriend, wife, hands or a blow-up doll he will be yours for at least one night.

If you follow any one of those mind expanding propositions you are guaranteed either a fuck buddy or a restraining order. Good luck to all those lonely hearts out there!