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Shufflingdead > Articles > Extracurricular
An End to Pets
You’ve seen it before, you’re hanging out with somebody, and one way or another that person comes into contact with some animal, and they explode into a high-pitched, cutesy-voiced tirade about the animal. They faun over it, pet it, rub it, and cast little bits of personality onto it “you’re a good boy, aren’t you!” I’m sure that almost everyone in Canada has seen hundreds of cats and dogs in their lives, yet somehow it’s a time-stopping orgasmic bliss for some people every single time. You can’t do anything but roll your eyes, saying a word of protest would toss you into the realm of social leper.
For me, this alone justifies banning pets in Canada, but there is a myriad of other reasons. Even the most responsible pet owners can’t control their pets all of the time. Being chased by runaway dogs can be terrifying, as once happened to me. I don’t know what kind they were, I just don’t care enough about the various human-engineered pseudo-species to know, but they were one of the large, vicious, angry kind. My youth has been filled with rogue cats shitting in my parent’s yard, and I anticipate much the same thing once I have a place of my own.
Of course, it’s not just pet owners that are the issue; animals themselves have inherent problems that make them unbearable to share a society with. Like many, I suffer from pet allergies, and it makes visiting other people’s houses difficult. You never know if you’re going to find their home infested with rampaging cats or slow-moving dogs, all bent on attacking with dander rather than teeth. Additionally, dogs and birds can be an extreme annoyance just with their incessant noise making.
With all of these problems, the reasons for actually owning a pet are entirely lost on me, without even considering the cost and responsibility associated with pet ownership. Anthrozoology.org suggests that there are “many psychological benefits animal companionship can give us, including providing security for the anxious, companionship for the lonely and status symbols for the image conscious.” All of which I interpret as “animals are crutches for the weak minded.”
These sound like very selfish reasons anyway, a person who gets married hopefully doesn’t do it for the psychological benefits. For a person to suggest that they want an animal for their own well-being is similar to a person declaring that they would like a husband or wife, anyone will do, just to feel better about him or herself.
I can’t help but wonder what the quality of life is like for the average pet. Is a dog that stares all day at the front door, waiting for the return of her owner, really having that great a time? Perhaps well behaved pets are simply living with a collective case of Stockholm syndrome. Boredom for these animals must surely be an issue, for a bird trapped in a cage, or a dog whose daily highlights are eating and walking.
I suggest banning pet ownership to solve all of these issues. Start by outlawing pet sales by pet stores and breeders. Step up animal shelter efforts, and play fast and loose with their euthanasia policies. Eventually all of the animals currently in captivity will die off, and we can officially outlaw pets.
I’m not suggesting that anybody stop eating meat, or that we end cattle farming, or any of those other PETA-esque animal lover ideas. I’m all for raising animals for specific, utilitarian purposes, though preferably giving them a bit of room to run around in, but keep them out of towns and cities. Things will surely be a cleaner and saner for it.
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