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Shufflingdead > Articles > Fun
The Drunkening
 | I think this is called "getting plastered" |
Once upon a time, I wrote a couple of horribly short articles which supposedly contained the English language. These articles were about having fun. They talked of things like "funny hats" and "whipped cream." I was convinced that I could defy all of societies deeply held beliefs that the only way to have fun was to get ridiculously drunk with a bunch of people. Well, it would seem that all it took was time to prove me wrong. No one ever escapes society, killing you is too easy, they want your mind! Sure you can make the claim that at every point other than the time which you are pouring the rancid liquid down your gullet you don't drink, but that tends to be a paradox. Now, the easy way to get out of swearing to yourself that you would never drink is to stick a clause in your little "deal." Something like "I will not drink unless doing so would lead to sex or ridiculous amounts of money" works. A perfectly moral solution to all your problems!
While it is true that everyone eventually drinks, it is your strategy concerning drinking habits which will determine your level of enjoyment. There are two basic categories of drinkers. There are the people who get really drunk, dance around for a bit, get naked, throw up all over themselves and pass out and the people who drink a bit and act superior to the drunk people.
A few of the things I've noticed about the "full drunks" is that they always pass out in places that everyone is guaranteed to step and any areas they can't cover with their bodies is taken care of with their proverbial lunches. Full drunks enjoy their nudity more than anything else in the world. If a full drunk isn't completely naked, he's probably feeling himself up.
Since I am one of these so called "half drunks" I can only really speak of their sacred rituals. The purpose of not drinking all that terribly much is so that you may use your power to abuse the poor drunken saps on the floor. To escape the constant yelling of "drink more you pansy ass bastard" you should drink a bit while everybody is mostly sober. Not only does this allow you to shut up the people screaming at you but you also loosen up enough to ask the other half drunks for their philosophies on life, the universe and everything (more on that in a moment). Now, once you're semi-drunk, cuddle up to absolutely anyone near you who you wish wasn't attached to some poser yuppie bastard of death and destruction, reveal to them your luscious indented nipples, and gently run your cave troll hands along their silky smooth womanhood.
 | You should probably drink enough to forget this image |
After you've successfully groped the girl to the point where she will never speak to you again, it's time to interview everyone you know about everything they know. Other peoples opinions are a good thing to have, logically, so it makes perfect sense to someone "under the influence" that you should know all of them immediately. If you happen to be apprehensive about asking people you know about things like political alignment, religious beliefs and sexual experiences then this is your time to act! If sympathy is what you're craving and you manage to hide your thirst for sorrow whilst sober, being partially drunk is a great excuse to bring out all of your woeful stories of heartache. This is also an excellent time to whip out your massive list of questions for the lord of human relations.
Now, I could "spin a yarn or two" about drinking, but that would take effort to write out, so I shall bid you farewell for now.
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