The Olympic experience is one which many dream of, yet few experience. After all, who has not envisioned themselves standing atop an Olympic podium, holding up a freshly won gold medal while their national anthem blares over the stadium speakers? Who has not dreamt of a victory lap around an Olympic oval, proudly carrying their nation's flag? It as an experience of the few, the proud, the elite. Only the best can compete in an Olympic games, it takes courage, talent, and the will to spend ones life in pursuit of a singular dream.
Recently, I have had the opportunity to participate in this grand theatre. I have had the honour of competing with the best of the best. I have stood shoulder to shoulder with gods. I have been raised up into the realm of the divine as I came to be victorious over the common man. I have experienced the glory of competing in the Nerd Olympics.
Pre-Game Show
There were only a few of us, hand picked out of a vast pool to compete in ultimate combat. There would be ten events over those two days, and it was clear from the start that we were all out for blood and victory!
I was picked up early that Reading Week morn', by none other than my fellow competitors, Weskimo and "The Man Without a Nickname."
My arrival drew looks of advent horror from my soon-to-be competitors.
Here are the gold and silver medals which would be competed over during these, the 2005 Nerd Olympics. As can be seen, they are made of shitty 3rd party N64 memory cards. The bronzes are made of shitty 3rd party PS1 memory cards, by the way.
Before the games truly kicked off, we decided to warm-up with a few games of Magic. Here, Trebek and DMUSER gaze at each other lovingly
"The Man Without a Nickname" and Brentor drink and play Magic at whatever ungodly early time of the day.
Nicholas Picholas and Weskimo try to stare me down, aghast at my manliness.
Day 1: And Now... People Win a Bunch of Medals
Finally, the games began! From left to right, Trebek, Nicholas Picholas and Weskimo fight for dominance in that classic, Goldeneye.
More Goldeneye. An impromptu game of Connect-Four can be seen going on in the background.
Our first winners. Looks like "The Man Without a Nickname" got bronze, Brentor with the silver, and big Nicholas Picholas managed the gold.
Oh man, this is huge. The first matches of our official Magic games.
Sweet fuck, here are the winners of the official Nerd Olympics Magic tournament. As can be seen, no medal for me, I do declare an Olympic scandal.
If memory serves, these are the Soul Calibur II event winners.
What's this? Why it's ol' Newbs winning a silver in Super Mario Kart. Don't ask me who those other bastards are.
This is where it gets tricky. See, nobody knew how to set the timer on the camera, and all the members participating at the time were winners. This was for the Mario Kart: Double Dash/Mario Power tennis doubles biathlon.
Alas, this blurry insanity is the only still image documenting my (Newbs) sweet glorious gold in the biathlon.
If memory serves, this was the victory ceremony for Super Smash Bros. Melee. It was also the last event of Day 1.
Now witness the devastation after Day 1 of Nerd Olympics 2005. I assure you, no nerd can name a prettier site.
Day 2: Hammer Time
This is either the winners of Starcraft or Warcraft 3. These computer games were rigged, rigged I say! The Canadian flag is draped proudly beside our athletes, national pride was huge at Nerd Olympics.
Ah, the mighty RISK champions. Another massive upset as overlord Newbs fails to medal. The nerd Olympics were a sad moment in the history of Newbornia.
As the Nerd Olympics drew to a close, it was determined the top medalists needed special ranks. On the right, Weskimo and Brentor split 3rd place with the titles Realm Knight and what I think says Lord of Fire and Ice. 2nd place went to "The Man Without a Nickname," on the left, who got the title Vizar. Nicholas Picholas (centre) walked home top in the medal standings, his victory earned him the title Grand Wizard.
Closing Thoughts
Firstly, I've heard this title of Grand Wizard is also used by the KKK. That is simply a coincidence, I assure you. Just because all of our athletes were pasty white guys, does not mean we do not accept those of all ethnicities. It does mean that we do not accept those damn women though! The admittance of women competitors is being discussed for next year's games, so we shall see.
For posterity’s sake, I'd like to elaborate on the medal ceremonies. First, the winners get in position on the podium, then the camera man tosses them their medals in order (bronze, silver, gold last). The camera man then shouts out "hold up you're medals like you're Link and you're holding up the Triforce!" and takes the picture, this is how it must always be done.
Finally, the Nerd Olympics have been an amazing experience for myself personally, and for all the competitors, I believe. We are already deep in planning next year's event, which promises to be bigger and better than ever. Through all the blood, sweat, and tears of Nerd Olympics 2005, all of our athletes are extremely proud and honoured to have participated in such a legendary event.
