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Agent Under Fire Review
During my long ago youth I fell in love with one of the finest console first-person-shooters ever produced. It was called Goldenye, and it was based off the James Bond movie of the same name. The game was finely crafted by the amazing talent at Rare, before all the decent people left the company.
 | Hey look, a retarded enemy who couldn't possibley hit the ever elusive James Bond, not even when he's standing right in front of him. |
Quite some time ago I came to own a second hand copy of the Electronic Arts made Bond game "Agent Under Fire." Knowing that the game was not made by anyone at all connected with the Goldeneye people, and having played a little of the more recent Bond games I was expecting a fairly average game. For the most part, the game delivered on exactly this expectation.
The graphics are average, so is the sound, the controls standard. For someone who plays Nintendo made games almost exclusively I am impressed by games having any story at all, so I can safely say I am happy with the story in this game. The levels are uninspired and completely straight forward, there are way too many shield boosts all over the place to make anything a challenge. The worst part is the fact that Bond's regular band of associates insists on radioing you every time you take three steps to fill you in on exactly what you'll "want" to do next. Occasionally their constant jibber jabber and never-ending dry British wit will cause their skulls to disintegrate and blow away in an ominous Mummy-like way. When this happens, the camera will take over for them and "hint" at what you want to do next by zooming in on exactly what it is your "gun" needs to interact with next.
I played through this game in a few stages. I would beat a few levels, then get sick of it and put it away for three months until I felt like dragging it out again, until just a few nights ago I had never actually finished it. I had just a couple missions to complete in the single player campaign and I decided to go for it. I struggled little with the second last level, and got through it with just a few tries. Then came the final level. I wasn't particularly impressed with it, but I wasn't really expecting a lot by that point. (Just so you know, I don't care at all if I spoil the game for you, I'm going to talk about the story now so suck it up.)
 | On the left, it's that bitch that flies the jet. |
Part way through the level you are introduced to some bald jackass you've supposedly already killed. Turns out that that was really his clone and this is the real deal. You basically have to run around and dodge his rocket launcher shots for awhile while sneaking in the occasional shot and eventually he'll just fly away. You follow him through some big shiny tube and into a big room where he is flying in front of you. Instead of making this an epic final battle, the makers of this game simply require you to shoot the massive glass window behind him to have him die. It is at this point that the actual gameplay of this game concludes. The building containing this man as well as his boss, the woman you've been chasing all over the planet the whole goddamn game, explodes. You never actually fight the main bad guy (woman).
After a few tries I managed to complete this level, and laid back in my chair ready to listen to whatever brain crushing, illogical way I was sure they would wrap up the story. A cutscene began with James Bond's female accomplice picking him up in some kind of jet propelled aircraft she had kindly borrowed from fuck knows who, muttered something like "Need a lift?" when all of a sudden my television turned black and returned to the opening menu.
I thought the events strange, so thinking I had simply reset my Gamecube, or that I would only get to view the proper ending after completing the game on the hardest difficulty, I consulted an online FAQ. Guess what? That is the only ending! There is no wrap up to the story, and the time tested format of ROLLING THE FUCKING CREDITS just doesn't happen. It was as if whoever EA was bitch-slapping around to pump out this game got yanked out of his chair when they got tired of looking at him as they said "Thanks idiot, now we will sell your unfinished piece of shit to lots of unsuspecting Bond fanboys!" I do not blame that poor man, just the group of shadowy figures standing behind him known as Electronic Arts.
I give this game:
 One skull of a sacrificed virgin out of five. It wasn't even a decent virgin, more like a technical virgin. It would have been 2/5 had an ending for the game actually existed.
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