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Shufflingdead > Articles > Games
E3 2004 - Reggiefied, Supafied, Nintendofied
 | "I am not Link!" |
As happens every year about this time I have gotten sucked into constantly refreshing all the various gaming sites I visit. That's because it has just been E3 2004. Electronic Entertainment Expo, or for those of you still confused, a big video game convention featuring booth babes and free toys. Now I run a website so "fringe" so "out there" and "hip" that I have not been invited to this digital orgasm, but I do have unprecedented knowledge of just what happened down there and so I will fill you all in.
Firstly, I don't give a fuck in funky town what anybody besides Nintendo is doing, and all my knowledge about all the other companies is really just me assuming that they're doing evil anti-Nintendo things just to spite me personally. As is tradition, E3 started off with the big three console makers doing big presentations. I have no clue what anybody else did, all I know is that Nintendo did a gaping anus' worth of glorious announcements that have thrown the world into a state of euphoric shock.
Firstly, Zelda. ZELDA ZELDA ZELDA. I remember the first time I ever saw a Zelda game in action, I was in awe. The unbelievable world, incredible enemies, indescribably satisfying puzzles, it was called Link to the Past and I knew right then and there that I was in love. My first love, and still my one true love. My obsession grew from there, I thought about Ocarina of Time constantly from the instant I knew such a game was in the works. I thirsted for Majora's Mask, I craved the Oracle games. Eventually my obsession grew to collect all the old Legend of Zelda games I had missed. Now, I was in shock as so many were when the graphical style of The Wind Waker was first shown, but the idea grew on me. Right on schedule I lusted for the game, pre-ordered it of course, and eventually came to own the game on launch day. The game stands as one of the finest in the series, and is a remarkable game.
 | God among men. |
There was always something that burned deep inside me though, something that had slowly festered deep down since long ago when I exhausted every nuance of Ocarina of Time. I wanted to play as adult Link again, I wanted dark evil areas, groundbreaking realistic graphics and most-of-all, I wanted epic. Just days ago, such a game was announced. A game which in fact fulfilled all the gaming desires I had ever had. The game doesn't have an official title yet, just "The Legend of Zelda" and a trailer and a few screen shots to go with it. These images speak greater than any words possibly could. The game actually IS Nintendo walking up to me, ripping off my pants and sucking me off. I don't mean the kind of blowjob you pay for, or the kind from some inexperienced teenage girl. I mean this is the work of a true dedicated professional. After the video clip of the game was shown, Miyamoto himself stepped out wearing a shirt he got from Hot Topic, wielding the Master Sword and holding a Hylian shield. He remarked "I am not Link, but I do know him." Whatever the fuck you say Miyamoto, I love you, you goofy bastard.
Beyond all of this Zelda business, there is of course Killer 7, Resident Evil 4, Four Swords GC, Advance Wars GC, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes, Prince of Persia 2, Viewtiful Joe 2, StarFox, Mario Tennis GC, Paper Mario 2, Geist, and oh god so many more games. The point is, anyone who ever said the Gamecube had lost the war is a goddamn liar. Then there's the Gameboy Advance games announced, notably, The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap. Yet another Zelda game, yet another game that I will one day own. Nintendo is the fairest of them all. I officially give up on women, for Nintendo is more fine a lover than I shall ever know. There's some talk about some wacky "Halo 2" coming out for X-Box... hahahaha ah X-Box. Oh sorry, I got caught off track, I mean to be talking about games worth playing.
The other truly huge announcement from Nintendo is the Nintendo DS. It is their latest hand-held, it plays games in full 3-D, and has this funny catch about having two screens (DS, Dual Screen). As with all of Nintendo's hand-helds, it's backwards compatible with all the old Gameboy games. The thing also features wireless multiplayer, and can access the internet, allowing you to use it as an instant messaging device. One of its screens is touch sensitive, which doubles as a touch screen keyboard for such activity. Sony showed off some bullshit hand-held too, but who cares. It's a big battery sucking mugging targeting system. You know, what with the unbelievable price point it's bound to feature.
Probably the biggest highlight of all E3 was Nintendo's MC for their event, Reggie. The internet is alight with Reggie love. You see, Reggie is about "kicking ass" he's here to "take names" but wants you to know Nintendo is about "making games." The man can make the English language get up and dance. His face is the face that launched a thousand games. His PR skills are unmatched in all humankind, and he is worthy of the title "king of kings" which I am now placing upon him.
And that has been E3 2004. Thank you and goodnight.
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