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Shufflingdead > Articles > Games
The Industry of Hell, Part 2: The Customers are Mentally Deficient
That's right, I have come back to complete this series of four articles which I began writing September 6, 2003. Don't let me fool you; the reason for this delay is sheer laziness. In an effort to fool you, however, I will say that I held off this long because I was hoping to jump on the perfect moment of customer retardation, a moment where all gamers stood up simultaneously, and in a united voice said "Yes! We are retarded!" That moment arrived on April 27, 2006, when Nintendo announced that its upcoming console would be named "Wii," and the internet itself melted when all 20 of gaming's factions went to war.
 | Some gamers gaming their way into extinction. |
What are these 20 factions that I speak of? Well luckily for everyone's understanding, gamers have divided themselves into factions. They all battle continuously about just about everything, but it takes a seminal moment in gaming history to really drive them to bring down servers. The groups are:
- Nintendo haters (fans of some combination of Playstation, X-Box, and/or gaming computers)
- Sony haters (fans of some combination of Nintendo, X-Box, and/or gaming computers)
- X-Box haters (fans of some combination of Nintendo, Playstation, and/or gaming computers)
- PC haters (fans of some combination of Nintendo, Playstation, X-Box and/or Mac)
- Mac haters (basically everybody, even most Mac nerds)
- Nintendo fanboys (anybody who games specifically with Nintendo products)
- Sony fanboys (anybody who games specifically with Sony products)
- X-Box fanboys (anybody who games specifically with X-Box products)
- PC nerds (anybody who games specifically with a PC)
- Mac nerds (anybody whose idea of gaming is Sim City 2000 on a Mac)
These categories are further subdivided by the particular person's level of dedication. Either the word "casual," or "hardcore," should be added when describing someone's particular gaming affiliation. Once this is factored in, we come to the sum of 20 noted above. The activities of these 20 factions vary greatly. All of the hardcore gamers both play a great deal of games and post ferociously on the internet with their opinions, but hardcore Nintendo fanboys and haters are often the most vocal. This is part of what made the Wii announcement so massive, as Nintendo's bigger announcements often bring gaming sites to a crawl, but this one had that special something, Nintendo had painted itself as a particular target, and all sought to either ridicule or defend. At the Neo-GAF forums, well known as ground-zero for all video game arguing, 2 928 posts have been made in the Wii name announcement thread as of writing this. I wasn't able to access their forums when I got up that afternoon though, because the influx of bloodlust had already brought down the site.
The mental deficiencies of gamers were self evident when this drama was going down all across the internet. There were "lol wee lol" jokes posted ad infinitum. Gamers attacked and rationalized the name, mostly attacked, unendingly, image macros were made, declarations of not buying the Wii were made, self-identified Nintendo fanboys announced that they would be abandoning their factions. Many noted that they weren't huge fans of the name, but that it was just a name and that everyone was retarded for going berserk, these people were subsequently ridiculed as Nintendo fanboys. I am one of those who think "it's just a name," and of course, I am a Nintendo fanboy, so maybe it's the truth.
There are other things gamers like to obsessively argue about, one of the classics is sales statistics. Aside from blindingly cheering on their company of choice, or cheering on the fall of their hated company, hardcore gamers also like to lament about the poor purchasing choices of casual gamers. So do I. North American and European game sales are dominated by the sales of sports games and other "manly" games approved of by the sexually insecure frat boys of the world. This is an old link, but it demonstrates exactly what I'm talking about. The top FIVE slots are football. The same game for the same system actually appears TWICE within the top five because so many people felt the need to own a "Collector's Edition" of a goddamn football game. A game based off a movie license (Spider-Man 2) appears THREE times on the list! This, my friends, is the end of western civilization. I assure you this retardation is not an isolate incident; August '04 wasn't just a weird month where everybody decided they needed a football game. EA releases a new Madden game every single fucking year, and every year it sells this well.
I don't believe I've mentioned yet that virtually all internet video game arguing comes exclusively from males. This isn't to say that the ladies don't play the games, because certainly they do, but it appears that the male tendency for continuous cock waving crosses over into this world, and that what drives a great deal of the arguing is actually a drive for men to defend their purchasing decisions. If the arguing took place in real life, likely this would be to the death.
The questionable behavior of gamers is much more widespread than what I've talked about so far, I haven't even mentioned the obsessive power leveling done in MMO's, the dying from playing too much Starcraft, or the lack of hygiene and proper eating habits. The often meager social skills are probably self-evident and the inability to get laid is well known as well. Truly, the customers of this industry of hell are retarded.
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