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Part 4: The Future

DS vs. PSP vs. GBA/GB Evolution
You know, the DS gets criticized a lot, it's been criticized and ridiculed since the very moment it was revealed to have two screens. Right now it's being criticized for a lack of games. I think the Nintendo DS is just taking some time to settle in. The thing is, what the DS has is potential. At this year's E3, Nintendo promises to show Advance Wars DS, Animal Crossing DS, Mario Kart DS, Metroid Prime: Hunters, and supposedly even an all new Super Mario Bros. Oh, did I mention there's also supposed to be an online Pokemon game coming out for the thing? This list of games, which is surely no where near exhaustive if you include 3rd party support, along with the imminent launch of a service allowing gamers to play wirelessly over the internet, is bound to put Nintendo's Dual Screen ahead of the PSP. Why is that? What is so lacking about the PSP? I'll tell you what the PSP has going for it, small screen versions of a few of the Playstation games I've never wanted to play, the ability to play half a movie off of a disc which no other device in the universe will ever be compatible with until the batteries die, and the most irritating marketing campaign in the history of man kind. Sure, the DS' games are sequels too, but they're all new twists on old franchises. No game makes the transference to a two-screen, touch screen capable handheld without seeing some real change.

The X-Box 360 will probably look something like this.

Of course, none of this actually matters. Likely, both systems will be moderately successful, but technically they've already lost. Neither system will ever match the sales or success of the GBA. In fact, I predict in a couple years time Nintendo will release the Gameboy Evolution, and make this little DS vs. PSP debate completely null and void. The thing will (and I'm absolutely winging it at this point) probably fit right into what will have become Nintendo's well established wireless network, it'll be backwards compatible with the GB, GBC, GBA, and hell, we'll say Gamecube as well. Everything in the handheld industry will be right back where it's been since the launch of the Gameboy.

What's really interesting about the DS vs. PSP debate is this: Sony is banking on the PSP, this is a fun experiment for Nintendo. Even if the DS fell through the face of the earth, Nintendo would shrug it off and step up work on the GBE. So what happens when this:

Sony is likely to post a 70.3 billion yen ($658 million) loss for the quarter ending on March 31, the largest loss in two years...

Stringer has announced a three year plan, wherein Sony will cut costs, probably resulting in job cuts and falling prices. Sony is also placing a lot of stock into its PSP system, which they believe can turn into the 'next iPod' if it can 'define itself as more than just a video game player.'

What would Newbs do?
Well, Nintendo, I probably would never have released the DS, but it's out there now, so what is there to do with it? I think most importantly, don't give up on it, don't dump it and run to the Gameboy Evolution in a year. Make games for it, pump them out, I don't care how shitty they are, and pay off other companies to make games for it, shitty and quick if possible, just support the fuck out of it. Along with this quick and shitty philosophy, play around with it as much as you can. You're never going to see a touch-screen again, so you might as well make the absolute wonkiest and craziest games imaginable. After the already announced games are out, don't use a single existing franchise, invent new ones, Electroplankton seems like a step in the right direction for both these ideas. Who knows, maybe this "innovation" thing will actually happen.

Having said that, bring on the Gameboy Evolution, yee haw! Just, for the love of Ganon, give it a couple years.

The Revolution will not look like this.

X-Box 360 vs. PS3 vs. Revolution
There are some very noticeable differences between generation 5 and its predecessor. Sega is long gone now, a husk of its former self, it stumbles on making software, raping its franchises of old into the ground. Microsoft now has its gargantuan meat hooks in the North American market, like Link's hook-shot sticks into a wooden crate. And finally, momentum is no longer with Sony as it once was. I would say that in North America, the X-Box may even have the advantage on that stage. Where, dare I ask, is this leading? Well you see, Microsoft has a great opportunity, if they were to release in 2006 as the other companies plan to, I get the feeling that they'd come out on top in North America (fail miserably in Japan, of course). Thing is, Microsoft is so desperate to lose its money-hemorrhaging X-Box that they are planning to release their next console, which is going to be called something like "X-Box 360," in Christmas 2005. Guess what morons? It'll be too early, you shall pay in blood! This isn't like Sony releasing the PS2 a year ahead of the X-Box and Gamecube, this is more like Sega releasing the Dreamcast a year before the PS2. In fact, I predict that the X-Box 360 will begin losing Microsoft money the way the X-Box has since its launch, Microsoft investors shall run out of patience by Christmas 2007 and the company will pull out of the industry! That's right, that's a wild fucking prediction and I have made it!

Okay, so maybe that won't actually happen, but the 360's failure is already written in stone. They're going to be releasing a technically inferior console, right when their current console has really just hit its stride. It's going to do nothing that their current console doesn't already do, it's going to have some fucking EA sports titles and yet another installment of the perpetually run-of-the-mill Halo franchise. All of this coming out, of course, for not one X-Box 360, but actually two of them. Yes, Microsoft is pulling the old Sega seppuku split your market shit. Releasing a cheap version and an expensive high-end version of its upcoming console will be the biggest of all the mistakes Microsoft makes. This monumentally moronic decision, along with all the other massively retarded decisions, dooms the X-Box 360, period, the end.

Nintendo pegs its competition as Sony, and that is where the real battle will be waged. Nobody knows enough about either of these consoles to actually come to any conclusions. The Revolution will be Gamecube backwards compatible and come wireless internet ready out of the box. The PS3 will... I don't know, do a bunch of typical Sony shit. People are stupid, they'll buy Sony, maybe Nintendo will pull something amazing out its ass and win the day, who knows.

FUCK THE UNIVERSE. HACK THE PLANET. VIVE LE REVOLUTION!
I would say that I have a healthy interest in playing video games. Indeed, I don't do it all that much, I spend no more time playing games than anyone else spends doing any other hobby. Thing is, I am horribly addicted to reading video game news and thinking about video gaming. Here is where the fascination goes beyond hobby and enters the realm of sheer insanity. So, naturally, I've spent likely hundreds of hours pondering what I would do if I ruled the mighty Nintendo, and could direct the company through its fifth generation years.

I can only hope the PS3 looks like this.

Step 1: Making an inaugural address. This would most likely occur at 2005's E3. Here's the script:

Dear Microsoft, fuck you. Dear Sony, double fuck you. I am here to announce the Nintendo Revolution, coming out Christmas 2006. The system will come wireless internet ready out of the box, be backwards compatible with the Gamecube, and kick your ass. It will come with a hard drive, it will play CD's, DVD's, and Blu-Ray/HD-DVD's/whatever the hell. Its controllers will be wireless, but otherwise they will be completely normal. They won't have seventeen screens or heat sensitive rectal scanners, they will be comfortable, have lots of buttons and joysticks in logical positions, and will work extremely well with all types of games. Nintendo will be launching a service where you can pay to download ROM's of our classic games, and play them on the console. The system will launch with an all new Mario game, which I will be demo-ing shortly. We are purchasing Silicon Knights, Factor 5, Free Radical, Namco, Capcom, Koei, and Konami, as well as numerous small-time developers. We are also creating scholarships to award to promising indie developer teams. All of these companies will begin immediately working on games for the Nintendo Revolution. Along with the new Mario game, our system will launch with Silicon Knights' Too Human, a new Smash Bros. game (playable online of course), a Pokemon massively multiplayer online RPG, and about a million other games from all those companies which I just listed as well as a bunch of other 2nd and 3rd parties. Now, on with the Mario demo!

[A bunch of chicks I've hired from suicidegirls.com wheel out the sexy silver device.]
[Shigeru Miyamoto, Reggie Fils-Aime and zombie-Yamauchi follow.]

Me and the boys will now play Revolution's flagship Mario title. [The game starts, it's sexy as hell, and we begin playing.] Note that this game works much like Super Mario World, with paths branching out from different levels. Only it's got the 3D game play of more recent Mario titles and is 4-player, you can also play it online. The characters are Mario, Luigi, Wario, and Waluigi, there are over a hundred levels to unlock. [Reggie beats a level, shouts "FUCK YEAH!," and does a standing backflip.]

I would like to conclude with this video of the Revolution's new Zelda title, which will come out some time after the console's launch. [Video plays.] Note how it looks like our upcoming Gamecube Zelda title, only it's infinitely sexier. It's pre-order bonus will be a blowjob from one of the Suicide Girls.

Sony, Microsoft, SURRENDER MY BITCHES.