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Shufflingdead > Articles > Guides
Bloody Wanker
Well ladies and gents a member of the shufflingdead.com staff is packing her bags and heading off to jolly old England for three weeks of misadventures with those crazy Brits. I've decided to document these tales of intrigue on this site, and if your familiar with the many mishaps of our circle of friends you know we don't disappoint!
I have been to England many times before (with all my family living there and what-not), so I know what the hell is up with the place. But for all my fellow Cunucks who have never ventured there I will provide this article of tidbits of info I have picked up whilst on my previous endeavors. I'll write more when I get back, but for now enjoy!
So, before you go you should decide on some things you want to do while on your trip. Many popular choices are: Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, Stonehenge etc. These are all fine and dandy, I am hoping to do these but I have compiled a unique list of things to do while in Great Britain:
- I do really really REALLY want to go to Stonhenge but my mom says, "we'll see" 'cause its so far from my grandma's house. So first thing on my To Do list is to kill my mother and hitch a ride there.
- Get pregnant with Robbie Williams' baby!
- Have a white chocolate Magnum. You know those ice cream bars dipped in chocolate? Well in England they have them dipped white chocolate!!! So I have to get one of those and find somewhere to be alone, those things are orgasmic!!! (And I just might be a screamer…)
- My sister and I have a plan for picking up hot young Englishmen, just let our Canadian accent do all the work OH YEAH!!!!!!!!
- Find Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. I think my letter of acceptance got lost in the owl post and they'll be expecting me.
- Have Robbie Williams feed me a white chocolate Magnum. OH GOD!!! I need to be alone right now…
- My family is really cool so I guess when finish the above list I'll spend some time with them.
So now you're ready to leave. Be prepared for a 10-hour flight with a 5-year-old who insists on kicking the back of your seat the entire time, a greasy mid-age man with the flu next to you, and the god-awful in-flight movie that was your one glimmering piece of hope, (I had to watch Titanic on one flight and immediately went into seizures). Hopefully your final destination isn't too far away from the airport, me, I then have a 5 hour drive to my grandma's house (kill me now).
Ah yes, the English pound. Just so there's no confusion I would like to take the time to point out the above cartoon isn't politically correct (There's probably someone out there reading this that believes they really weigh that, there are some pretty stupid Yankees, I mean people *ahem*). Oh, that last comment brings me to another helpful tip, make sure the Brits know your Canadian, NOT American, They'll love you more when they know that believe me! So yeah, I guess that's all I have for this section, make sure you have the correct currency or you'll end up giving sexual favors in exchange for a ride on one of those cool double-decker buses, which is a must by the way (riding the bus, not the sexual favors, just so we're on the same page).
Amen! If stuck indoors in England and you are faced with the only option of watching TV be prepared for some interesting times. First off you have the choice of BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, and BBC4. THAT'S IT!!! (Unless you have satellite or something but that's just boring to write about). Don't be surprised to see something that would be accompanied by a black box or pixels in Canada, how much censorship is there in Europe? None. Let me tell you about Euro Trash, a delightful little program I saw about, well, Euro Trash. There was a woman who sang backwards, an interview with a pornstar, a pornstar physic, and my personal favorite: The Amazing Nick. The Amazing Nick was an ordinary magician, who did pretty corny magic tricks, but Nick's act you see was a little different. The thing was… his magic wand. Yup. Don't be ashamed that your mind is going into the gutter, 'cause what you're thinking was his "wand" was indeed what you are thinking. THEY FRIGGEN SHOWED IT ON TV AND EVERYTHING!!! It was late night TV, but still OH MY GOD! For those who still don't get it, his wand was his penis OK?
I also just want to slip in Big Brother in England was waaaaay better than Big Brother in America. Yeah there was nudity...
Now this reminds my of a trip Apocalyptic_girl and I took to Vancouver. We showed no self-control while shopping and it was a painful experience to pack when we had to go home. So I guess this is more advice for myself then anyone else. No elephants, check.
Damn, that would be cool!!!
We'll that's all I got for now folks! So I'm off now and I hope to have loads of stories to tell when I get back! Bon Voyage!
* Just for the record I scanned these pictures out of a tour book called "London for Families" so yeah, whoever drew these, please don't sue me.
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