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Jobs suck. Work sucks. Life sucks. But most importantly, having no money sucks. And a sucky attitude that leads to no one hiring you will most definitely suck. So I have compiled for thee a list of the jobs that one could get even if one is repeatedly rejected by potential employers. Get out of the unemployment line and into the green with these awesome jobs:

• Certified Pork Thief : Being a pork thief is not for the faint hearted. There is lifting involved, depending on the amount of pork one is looking to steal, as well as dogs to outrun along the way. However, this job offers beauteous rewards. Not only are you able to bring home the bacon, you can also bring home the sausages and the ham. Don't delay, this opportunity is knocking down your door as we speak!
  
  
• Professional Shoelace Doer-Upper : Not everyone can be like Franklin; some people just don't have the time or the mental ability to count by twos and tie their shoes. That's where you come in. Forget about the counting part, that's small potatoes compared to the shoe tying. People are willing to pay exorbitant prices for good services, especially services that can help them hide their shameful shoe lace challengedness from their friends. Charge an extra dollar for double tying, nothing's more embarrassing than having a shoelace come undone in a social setting and being unable to correct the problem. You are really doing a public service with this one, no one wants to live in a world where people wear Velcro shoes.
  
  
• Loser Ridiculer : Losers exist and they are ridiculed. No one makes up the rules, that’s just how it's been. I'm sure that the cavemen would all get together and make fun of the one who was the skinniest and couldn't kill a buffalo with his bare hands; these things transcend time itself. Usually the ridiculers are dim witted and have such insults as “you are a loser” and “you are a big loser”. Well you can help this process along with better insults. Once you have verbally destroyed the geek/nerd/dork in question, everyone will high five and be on their merry way instead of standing around trying to follow up “you are a big loser” with something better, like maybe “you are a very big loser”. The geek/nerd/dork will be glad that their daily torture lasts for a shorter length of time, while the brainless goons will leave with a sense of accomplishment. You are really making this whole activity much more efficient.
  
  
• Beer Can Collector : This one is easy, just follow a homeless guy when he's trying to make his living. Once his shopping cart is nice and full, trick him into leaving it by saying that some other homeless guy is taking a piss inside the box he calls home. Then, once the guy is gone to kick some homeless ass, quickly take his cart to the bottle depot and collect your 50 cents. Another few similarly tricked hobos later and you can surely afford a burger, what's not awesome about that? Free food rocks. Can you spare some change? Hell no.
  
  
• Fake Charity Organizer : People are always giving to charities, even kids are getting into it, what with their “oh, it feels great knowing I helped someone in need” crap. Listen here Johnny Joe/Sally Sue, your whole savings of $1.78 isn't gonna cure the cancer so get off your high horse and go back to work sweeping the damn chimneys. Now to get the money that really matters, your fake charity needs to have a good name, something that sounds real enough for people to want to donate but not specific enough for them to know that you're a lying bastard. I suggest something awesome like The Foundation of Joy. People will be all “boy do ever I want to help this foundation spread joy” without actually knowing what it's for specifically. It's not even an outright lie, as their money will cause you joy, so all is right with the world. If by some unlucky chance someone decides to ask about your cause, be vague while still sounding convincing. Say something like “It is our dream to help eliminate suffering in the world. A child's tear is like a drop of poison in our hearts.” You're not actually saying that their money is going towards eliminating any suffering, nor do you state that you actually wish to help crying children. There are lots of opportunities for advancement in this field. One could go on to become a seasoned white collar criminal, or even a certified pork thief. Aim high.
  
  
• Certified Abettor : This position is not as exciting as that of the perpetrator, but that position requires a little more work. Thus, abettor is looking very appealing. Less work, but still the possibility of jail time. I suggest some soft core activities like encouraging gang fights, advertising for fake charities, and all around being an asshole. Abet your ass off.
  
  
• Rock Thrower/Paper Cut Giver in Organized Crime : There's always a hierarchy in organized crime. You have your standard boss man, then the “go to” guys that bust knee caps and the like, then the overweight fella who doesn't really seem to have a job except for just being there, then the guy named Tony that's so important to organized crime. I propose that you work your way up the ladder, but start at the bottom with a very low but cool position. You can help keep up morale on the team by being an abettor (refer to above listing) or by giving yourself a cool title and then fulfilling the implied activities of said title. The official Rock Thrower gets to throw rocks at the fuzz, while the official Paper Cut Giver gives people paper cuts. An Official Scissors User would complete this roh sham bo triad of awesomeness.
  
  
• Money Launderer/Laundromat Owner : White collar crime is way more fun than petty pork thievery. For one thing, your collar is white, which is always good unless you have a shirt that is a colour other than white. I suggest that you set up a classic laundromat for this risky business. What better way to clean money and your collar than by using a laundromat as a front? Criminals in the past sure knew how to do things the classy way.