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Shufflingdead > Articles > Guides
So You Want to Make a Movie
 | Probably looking for a job. |
Well I can't blame you, seems rather glamorous doesn't it? Seems pretty profitable eh? Here it is then, your complete guide to making a MAJOR BIG HOLLYWOOD and did I mention FABULOUS SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR!
Begin with hiring a washed up comedian for your leading role. Don't worry about having a script or any of that other useless "planning" stuff. I would estimate a good 99% of your theatrical profits come from having a recognizable face in your movie, so you're pretty much already guaranteed rich.
The filming process should begin on location in wherever the hell you feel like traveling to. A movie's budget can be as fucking huge as it wants to be, all the money will be made back the first day of its theatrical release. This amazing location is where your washed up comedian should enter. Maybe he's a veteran explorer or treasure hunter. He's found an ancient tribes most treasured artifact and is now on a mad dash back to the good ol' U.S. of A. where grave robbing is looked upon as a noble sport. This five minutes of footage should cost a good seventy million dollars to produce.
Once you've got that shot, you can come back to a sound stage and film all of the family drama that films require. Maybe your main characters grave robbing upsets his incredibly hot but troubled vegan fourteen year old daughter. Be sure to include a heartwarming scene where the father has a "heart to heart" with his daughter where he explains how important the desecration of foreign shrines is. After-all, one of them is bound to house the ultimate weapon needed to defeat the approaching alien horde headed for earth! Juxtapose a serious scene like this with some wackay-komeday like your main character's ten year old son slipping on vomit and splitting his skull open. At some point your main character should also cheat on his wife with the hottest pop singer you can hire. Try to create a scenario where they almost get caught by his wife, this will be a great opportunity to implement your obligatory use of the song "Under Pressure."
 | Make sure Hugh Grant says lots of British things like "bugger." |
This family drama stuff gets dull after awhile without anybody really doing anything, so once the characters are introduced, spring a surprise wedding on your audience between the fourteen year old and the hot pop singer. They're both female, so this is some shocking and erotic stuff as well as "relevant to modern life." Well of course the fourteen year old has lots of pre-wedding jitters, another great opportunity for another "heart to heart" with her father. Once the wedding begins though, things look like they'll go pretty smoothly... that is until Hugh Grant comes out of fucking nowhere! Oh turns out he's in love with the pop singer, and she loves him too! They toss the fourteen year old out of the way and have a shotgun wedding right then and there, and run off never to be seen again. You're probably thinking it'll be damn expensive hiring this pop singer as well as Hugh Grant for this utterly useless sub-plot, and you're right. Thing is, you need this shit to keep your retarded low-brow audience entertained so buck up.
Well after this it turns out the object your main character found really is the ultimate weapon needed to defeat the evil alien communist horde coming to destroy earth, thing is, he's the only one that can use it! Oh my fuck, there's a shocker that will delight and titillate your audience. Prior to the grand space battle your leading man is required to have with the aliens, be sure that the American President gives a ridiculous flag waving fap off to Americana. During his speech try to cut to patriotic images such as eagles crying, Wal-Mart girls helping customers and Hulk Hogan winning Wrestlemania. Well once that's out of the way then it's time for the exciting climax.
I have no fucking clue what this ultimate weapon could be. Maybe a special laser gun that's been mounted to a pimped out space shuttle. Have your main character fly into space and battle the alien horde for at least an hour, about half the movie. While the hero continuously rapes the alien fleet, make sure he uses lots of witty one-liner's such as "suck laser bug brains" and "that's for my emo daughter!"
Once the aliens are defeated I suppose the hero should fly back to earth, upon his arrival Hugh Grant should proclaim his love for the legendary figure. The final scene should involve Hugh Grant fucking your main character and the main character remarking "I thought Christmas only comes once a year." Maybe Christmas could be the name of your main character, or maybe the line could make no fucking sense whatsoever, I'm not too worried about it. Really, it doesn't matter as your audience is bound to pick up on the fact that they're supposed to laugh and therefore laugh.
Well there you go, shoot your movie, have fun being rich.
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