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Shufflingdead > Articles > Guides
Making a Popular Blog
Every huckfuck on the internet is obsessed with creating a single type of website; a blog. You know the phenomenon is serious when there are as many of them out there as "Lolita prego-fur lactating camel" sites. Things have really become horrendously overcrowded, especially with the advent of such madness as "LiveJournal." Being a man who has spent the last three years attempting and repeatedly failing to make just one site popular, I know exactly what it takes.
 | Lisa Loeb. Try to look like this, but with more cleavage. |
Every popular blog starts out with one thing; the most atrociously confusing layout any human can devise. I suggest having your website open with a splash page, one which is entirely black, with a single pixel being a link to a secondary splash page. On this secondary splash page you should create a great mosaic of artsy black and white pictures of your face, one of which is actually a link to your third splash page. On this page you should give some kind of warning regarding the adult content one in ten-thousand people might accidentally encounter while attempting to navigate your site, make sure to make the warning a little sassy sounding too. Something like "Hey fuckers this is BigTittiesGamerGurrrrlz.com, we have lots of OFFENSIVE content and lots of PORN and NUDITY and TITS. If you're not EXTREME enough for that, fuck off!!" If you feel like it, include a link to a page on your site which actually contains some content along with this warning, it's really not that important though.
As far as actual content goes, your site needs just a few things:
1. A cam portal where you and all your camwhore friends can show off cleavage. You don't need to be female to have a popular blog, but if you're a guy try to squish up some man-cleavage and always refer to yourself as female.
2. A little box containing your LiveJournal.
3. A massive list of links to every single website you've ever visited. Title this list of links as something like "Cool shit" "Daily reads" or "My Hommie Gurrrlz."
 | Your fan boys will buy you this movie a thousand times over. |
It is at this point that you should put off updating your website for about half a year. Leaving a blank LiveJournal just makes people more eager to return to your site and check if it's finally been updated. Your cam picture can stay the same as well, it doesn't matter to guys if it's ever changed, in their heads it's a live feed of you rolling around stroking your breasts and fingering yourself. The women of the internet, all of which are bi-curious, by the way, will still remark "Wow! She's cute!" every time they see your picture.
Now that your website is built, it's time to start getting people to visit. First, find every single cam portal you can possibly track down. The closer they resemble a police line-up of underage prostitutes, the better. Join absolutely every one of them. Then sign up for every forum you can possibly track down and join those as well. Make sure to make your avatar on these forums a picture of you biting your lip, and your signature a massive picture of your cleavage which links to your site. Make fourty posts a day on each of these forums. Don't worry at all about what's actually being discussed, just pop-up and remind everybody of what a sassy girl you are.
Instantly traffic will pour into your site. There will be people hounding you constantly to flash them on your web cam. After about half a year you will have amassed an unbelievable following of rabid fanboys as well as quite a few female stalkers all "just diiiiiiiieing" to join your cam portal. Give the people just a taste of what they want. Try showing just a little more cleavage on your web cam, detail the events of your latest "lady cycle" on your LiveJournal and add a couple of your hottest stalkers to your cam portal.
Keep this going until you get sick of having to pay for bandwidth. Then complain on your LiveJournal about your site draining you of much needed Lisa Loeb glasses money and make available a way of people to send you money. Throw up an amazon.com wishlist containing every nerdy, sub-culture and cult movie related object you could ever want as well. Your fan base will suddenly throw at you every tiny piece of cash they can scrape together and will instantly buy everything for you on your wishlist. Throw a few "*huggles* <3<3<3" to the crowd in thanks and prepare to milk them for all they're worth for as long as you stay young, hot, and sassy.
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