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I don't just kill time, I murder it. I slaughter and destroy it. Since about the time I graduated from High School I have found that I no longer consider most of what I do with my time to be remotely useful or worthwhile. Being the preeminent researcher in the field of killing time, in this article I will provide the absolute best ways to waste time. The key is to reduce your free time as much as possible, using the remaining time to do as little as possible, and in ways that provide no satisfaction or enjoyment.

Sleeping Probably the best way to kill time is to sleep. If you wanted to use your time effectively, you would probably sleep between six and eight hours a day. Six if you have some stuff you need to get done, eight if you want to be healthy and feel good. What's so effective about those numbers is that they work well as fractions, six is a quarter of a day, and eight is a third. Sleeping for exactly a third of a day will probably lead to a feeling of satisfaction and enjoyment. Of course, you want to kill time and burn through the day, so I recommend sleeping at least nine hours, and if you can manage it, twelve.

Nine is easy, make sure you don't need to get up early, and just stay in bed until you feel you've really gotten all the sleep you want; it'll probably be about nine hours. Twelve is the challenge. I recommend setting your alarm clock for the middle of the night to really fuck with your sleep patterns. The lower the quality of your sleep overall, the longer you need to sleep to feel well. If you find that no matter how poor your sleep has been, if you're wide awake after nine hours and just can't make it, try masturbating right there in bed, with any luck it'll conk you out for the stretch. Twelve, being half of twenty-four is another clean fraction, but one you can really feel ashamed about.

Get that time, kill it.

Working There are few who find work they actually enjoy, and having a job you hate too much might inspire you to quit and improve your life. I recommend finding a job you don't especially enjoy but don't completely hate either. Try finding a job with plenty of hours, and one with shifts right in the middle of the day. That way your free time is split up on either side of your shifts, and there is a reduced chance you might find something worthwhile with those hours.

Not Working This is not recommended for novices, but not working can actually be a better way to waste time than working. For the less skilled, not working runs the risk of inspiring a person to self improvement and seeking out new experiences, so make sure you know what you're doing before you try it. If you think you can handle it, not working has the potential to be a world of endless TV, movies, video games, porn, and internet browsing.

Watching TV With twelve hours of sleep and an 8 hour shift at work, you should only have four hours for yourself, and those are best wasted on entertainment. If you're going the route of not working, then you're in for a whopping twelve hours. With this time, I recommend as much television as possible, as it truly is the most brain deadening, lethargic activity a person can engage in. Television is especially effective at night when utterly nothing worth attention is on, hours can be wasted by either changing channels continuously or leaving on one station featuring a Wild On marathon followed by promotions for Girls Gone Wild.

Consuming Other Entertainment Television isn't the only form of entertainment with which to waste time. There are also video games, though playing games you haven't played previously runs the risk of feeling satisfying, I recommend playing the same games you've played through dozens of times already. Movies are similar, stay away from anything award winning as it might prompt you to think and/or feel emotions, just watch the movies you loved as a kid over and over again. Trilogies like the original Star Wars films, Indiana Jones, and Back to the Future make great marathons for weekends when you have extra time to kill.

That time is done for.

Browsing the Internet This is similar to consuming entertainment, but so effective that it warrants its own heading. The amazing thing about internet browsing is that it's absorbing enough to ward off the sort of boredom that might otherwise force a person into accomplishing something. While stumbling through popular sites like YouTube, Digg, and Wikipedia is extremely effective, I find that lurking internet forums is the ultimate form of internet time-killing. Find a site with a large community that shares many of your interests, and start browsing. You will begin to find that reading every post of a good thread, and absorbing all of the differing opinions therein will become an overwhelming addiction. Best of all, you will remember little-to-none of what you read the next morning, therefore truly nullifying your time. Communities exist for everything from giant robot fetishes to, my favourite, video game sales statistics.

Everything Else If you run out of entertainment, there are many other ways to waste time. Having a child or buying a pet requires you to allot a certain amount of time each day to caring for these horrific creatures, and interacting with these lower life forms automatically requires you to shut off your brain, they serve as excellent time wasters. There's also the previously mentioned masturbation, which not only requires little thinking, but actually lowers any drive to engage in thinking afterward. Drinking, smoking, and illicit drug use can really waste time, and the costs required force a person to work more, thus wasting an even greater amount of time!

As you can see, there is a plethora of amazing ways to waste time, begin with a few of these suggestions, and work your way up as you push out the satisfying parts of your life. Taking the time to read this article was already an excellent start.