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Shufflingdead > Articles > Humans
I am Going Through Menopause
 | I plan on looking exactly like this. |
That's right, a 19 year old male is going through menopause. How, may you ask, is this possible? Well, I've been on extensive gene therapy lately in an effort to turn myself female. The idea was, if I was female, I could probably convince myself to have sex with myself. Turns out I found myself too perverted, creepy and puny to fuck so that didn't work out, and now I'm dealing with all the side effects of menopause as well as the male "mid-life crisis" in rapid succession. I can handle the hot flashes and the viagra but trying to act like a trend-setting 10 year old is tough.
When I was 10, I remember being quite the social outcast. I was relegated to wander the playground in solitude while all the cool kids who could do things like ride bikes, play sports and swim went off and did all that wacky physical stuff. Now, at the ripe old age of 19, I reflect upon my early years and try to figure out just what drove me to refuse to learn how to actually do any of this stuff. I believe at the time I had a theory that physical activity existed solely to separate intelligent people from the roaming horde of stupidity on earth. I felt that the only reason to gain the ability to do something like ride a bike was so that a person could follow around the cool people. In other words, I planned on succeeding all my peers by using my time to ponder the meaning of life, the universe and everything instead of wasting it on "skating" or "soccer".
 | When I learn how to swim all the pool ladies like this one will be all over me. |
Now though, as a 19 year old man 45 year old woman I am trying find some of the youthful vitality that I never had. I have killed enough brain cells drinking to consider myself one of the roaming horde of stupidity and can at last join them in their quest to waste their lives sweating and breathing heavily. I've also gotten it inside my head that the only way I will actually get laid is if I start developing some of these normal-people skills to impress the ladies with. When I told myself I was too puny to fuck myself, I decided it might be worth a shot to try this stuff out.
Step 1: Become a Raging Ball of Muscle
I have been called the scrawniest man alive by every nation on earth, and it's time I was able to flex my man meat at parties and have women throw themselves at me. Not only that, but if I get strong enough, I think I'll be able to start competing with my friends when we go out for the occasional bit of basketball or soccer. It is there, where showing off my impressive physical prowess will surely win me some women. I am beginning a regiment of late night supreme upper body strength building and will soon crush you all.
Step 2: Learn How to Swim
This is really just a filler. In my corner of the planet it's winter right now and I am unable to go out and figure out that bike thing, so this swimming will have to do. I figure I can find some ladies to teach me how to swim, which will be great in many different ways. I can't wear my glasses when I go swimming, but I can see well enough without them to enjoy the ladies in their swimming gear. They don't know this of course, so I can flail my arms around and accidentally grope them a fair amount as well.
 | This old man and his bitch are together because of biking. |
Step 3: Learn How to Ride a Bike
Nothing in the cold vastness of the universe has earned me so much scorn as my inability to ride a bicycle. Bikes are probably the most used form of transportation on Earth, and I have been ridiculed by almost every person here. If you've met me, I have surely told you about the summer I learned how to ride a bike. Yes... there was a time when I could pilot a bike, but I didn't bother to keep up with it, and I soon forgot how to ride a bicycle. Now, however, I realize the freedom and mobility a bike can provide with regards to picking up chicks, so I want to learn again. It will be a long time before I can start driving, so for now a bike will have to do. By this point I'll have already become some sort of man-beast inferno so any little bastards who try to mock my education will be pummeled thoroughly.
If all this talk about me sweating and bending and groaning has aroused you at all, feel free to contact me. I'm pretty aroused by the thought of that sexy piece of flesh doing all that stuff, and I'm still in that TRANNY SURPRISE phase of being a woman.
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