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Shufflingdead > Articles > Humans
Childhood Mysteries Solved
As a youngster there were many things that baffled and confused me. If you're in the business of educating the youth of the nation or looking to raise your kids properly, please read to them this article as I will clarify a few of the mysteries and misconceptions I had as a child.
 | Yes, this terrible deformity really is caused by sex. |
What the hell will I look like when I'm 19?
Ah, there's something I often lay awake wondering about. I could just never quite grasp aging and how it would affect me. Well kids, I have determined that the process of aging has done nothing to me but made me slightly taller, made my dick bigger, and forced me to constantly remove hair which sprouts from my face. Essentially, don't worry about getting old until you're ohh... thirty, at which point your face will start to melt and your hair turn grey and possibly fall out. If you're female, you'll get big ugly wrinkles on your face and your tits will start to sag. By the time a guy is forty, his body will be nothing more than a hairy gray lump, particularly plump around the middle, and will be unable to move unless physically rolled along by his children. By forty, a woman's tits will completely melt off and her vagina will devour itself in a horrible act called menopause, her face will also cave-in entirely.
Wow, it must have taken a really big bomb to break up the Soviet Union.
If you're young, you're probably also stupid and won't know what the Soviet Union is, that's okay really, most of the people my age don't either. All you really need to know is that once upon a time it was a very large country and that at some point everybody that lived there decided they wanted to be their own country, so it was divided into different sections. See, huge land masses just plain cannot be broken apart into islands. The earth could be struck by a large meteor and be broken up into chunks which would shoot off into space and probably be burned up by the sun and we'd all die a horrible death, but that hasn't happened, not yet anyway. Like I was saying, countries just get divided up by invisible lines and nobody is allowed to walk over these invisible lines or they get shot, or tortured and then shot. If you're looking to escape the terrible pain of whatever super diseases are around when you're an adult, it's a good idea to try to go to another country, because they'll kill you without mercy.
 | Former President of the US, never Prime Minister of Canada. |
What the fuck is sex?
Look, it has nothing to do with marriage, so don't think your parents can't cheat on each other. Basically, sex is the act of a male inserting his penis into a woman's vagina, then writhing around on top of her for awhile until he ejaculates inside of her. This ejaculate contains sperm, which will use their time inside a woman to fertilize one of her eggs, which eventually grow into babies. In case you're wondering, these are in fact the same eggs which you eat all the time. You are a cannibal and you disgust me. Don't worry about this sex thing too much, you're almost certain to not have it. By the way, your parents probably had sex for you to exist.
I want George Bush to stay the President of Canada.
Every four years the country of the United States has an election where a bunch of adults vote on who the want to lead their nation, George Bush was once one of these leaders. The vote only affects Canada with regards to how badly their President fucks over our economy and environment. The person is only in a very general way the ruler of Canada. The official leader of Canada is known as a Prime Minister, who is also chosen by a bunch of adults about every four years. This group of adults is referred to as "the Liberal Party."
How can anyone who masturbates live with themselves?
Don't let the authorities fool ya kid, masturbation is about the best life gets and is not at all shameful. I know teachers are saying things to you like "I guess it's all right for you to do it now, but in a few years you'll be expected to share the experience with someone else in the form of sex." You're one step ahead of them though, since I've taught you that you'll never have sex, so it doesn't matter if jerk off ten times a day. Don't be afraid to look at porn on the internet to enhance the experience either, your parents won't catch you, whatever they say. You won't get hairy palms from doing it and the only way you'll go blind is if you manage to jizz in your eye.
That's about everything I didn't understand as a child that I have any better grasp of now. I hope that I have cleared up a few things for you all today.
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