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Shufflingdead > Articles > Humans
The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men
 | For writing down my deep thoughts. |
In a recent bout of writers block, I decided to seek advice from one of my many female relations and she responded "how/why guys are so weird, their secret little motives and devious insane little plots." I'm not entirely sure what she really means by this, but I suspect it has something to do with why we always try to take over the world, build huge collections of useless junk or nail two chicks at the same time. In any case, I'll attempt to unravel all of these mysteries as I explore my inner man. Obviously, I am a perfect male specimen and that for whatever reason I do anything is the same for all guys.
This whole taking over the world thing is still pretty much my number one goal in life. Yes, there are a lot of smaller goals I have along the way but it is truly why I get up in the morning. The way I see it, everybody on the planet is running around and fucking up A LOT. I mean come on, Disney makes way too many cheap sequels to their classic movies, everybody should just be allowed to marry whoever or whatever they want. Maybe we should just do away with marriage altogether and get rid of all these costly divorce hearings! We can all drink away our brain cells and cough up our lungs, but god forbid anybody smoke a little pot. No, we all have to live by outdated systems and rules. The news is filled by morons competing with each other over votes. What nobody seems to realize is that all everybody is doing is wasting time with a slow, bulky system which inevitably ends up electing somebody who's going to do just about jack shit. Not that it matters anyway, even the people at the very top can't really make any major affect on anything because they're so tied down by "checks and balances" or the following of traditions.
 | I have stacks of toothpicks and toothpick-related gear. |
This is where I come in. If I were simply given leadership over the whole of the planet, with full loyalty from all the smaller forms of government as well as the planet's military, I could really mix some stuff up. Take Wal~Mart out of business, possibly end world hunger, force Nintendo to make a Pokemon massively multiplayer online role playing game, we'd really have something there.
This leads me to my next point. Even though I could do whatever I wanted to as ruler of the world, there are some things I find so important that I try to accomplish them in tandem with my larger goal. Something of a life long task, collecting stock piles of what some may call "worthless junk" is a particular passion of mine. Females in particular just do not understand how necessary it is to have the gold edition of every single Legend of Zelda game ever made, COME ON THAT WOULD BE AWESOME, that's why guys do it. It's not to impress other people, it's just a primal urge to have the complete set of something. Seriously, games are much more fun when you own a very limited version of them and they're gold! The biggest reason I have for collecting junk is that it's proof that I have been certain places and done certain things. If you take five toothpicks every time you go to a restaurant and save them somewhere, then if you ever need to know how many times you've eaten out, that can be calculated. Along with toothpicks and video games, I have a lot of pencils. I mean special fancy pencils which I've gotten from trade shows, as special event give aways and various teachers who wanted to reward a fine student. Every time I look at my pencil collection I get to relive lots of great memories from my past like reading the third most books in my class during a grade two competition. Besides, in emergency situations, it's just nice to have this stuff. If you ever get something stuck in your teeth, come to me ladies.
 | Hell yeah, I'm doin' good with these. |
I know I said earlier that my ultimate goal in life is to become ruler of the world, but I could definitely die happy knowing I had gotten a female-female-male threesome at some point. First off, the mere thought of two attractive females kissing is unbelievably hot. Having them grope each other then nailing them both at the same time would be utter bliss. I have no plans of having those icky things known as children so I'm not just trying to "hit two birds with one stone." Well, I suppose I am if by birds I mean chicks and stone I mean cock, but I digress. It probably is about bragging rights to some degree with this one, but there's no question I'd do it even I could never tell anyone ever. It's more about satisfaction. Nobody actually knows if I could manage to satisfy even one woman, but if I could satisfy two, that'd be pretty cool, and I know for a fact that two women would sure as hell satisfy me.
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