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Shufflingdead > Articles > Humans
The Delicate Art of Shutting the Fuck Up
Q: What do you think is the most irritating thing people do?
A: Speak.
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How about this weather? In an average day, a normal human being will be forced to associate with a vast array of fellow humans. This could be nothing more than a couple people who share your office, to several hundred family members at a holiday function. Now, it is guaranteed every single one of these people is miserable. Either their wife is cheating on them, or they're having a mid-life crisis, or their kids are all in jail. Not a single one of them will tell you any of this of course, no, they'd rather talk about the goddamn weather. They'd rather explain to you in excruciating detail the precise amount of snow that fell on their house last night, or the lovely walk they took because of the wonderful sunshine.
Once every facet of every detail of every fact and opinion regarding the weather has been successfully beaten into the ground, a person will move onto even more useless and obvious banter. Things like the taste of the food they're devouring, or perhaps asking the ever heart felt "how're you?"
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Whenever I'm not engaged in some form of discussion in public, I tend to be forced to overhear other peoples useless ranting. Typically, I will overhear what can only be the most embarrassingly stupid parts of conversations. I am really, truly hoping that that is what I am always picking up on, because otherwise we might as well call the human race doomed right now. Why children must discuss Super Smash Brothers Melee on the bus, or why fourteen year old girls must have grand tribunals in the middle of the sidewalk regarding how they feel about one another is beyond all power of reasoning. Then there's the adults, who feel it necessary to talk about every pebble they drove over while traveling to their current location, as well as their most recent bowel movement.
Now I am a man, man is a sexual being. When I see an attractive young lady I tend to have a pretty detailed plan regarding just what I'd rather be doing to her. When a couple guys are together though, they feel the need to comment to one another some of the finer points of the girl's figure in the most horrible way possible. Comparing certain body parts with terminology or names typically reserved for food such as "ripe" "melons" "hams" "yams" "guacamole" "roast beef." Man, that shit's fucked up.
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Of course, when people run out of things to talk about about other people and things, they develop "relationships." I'm not just talking about boyfriends and girlfriends, regular friends too. Then they get to talk about how much they love each other, they get to recount little trips they took to the mall two weeks ago like they were goddamn grand treks across unexplored deep space. When that gets dull, they can start meaningless arguments with each other. After all, nothing makes people feel good like getting blasted for tiny habits or accidentally saying something they shouldn't have. Which really is the whole point, if everybody just quit talking, there'd be no reason to scream at them, thus no screaming.
When a person is actually alone, they like to plop down in front of their television and listen to other people talk. "My hair is shiny because I rub it with seven natural herbs and spices." "Get flatter abs now!" "Did you hear which overpaid, overrated actor is fucking horses now?" All extremely useful and pertinent information, I am sure. When a human isn't yammering on about himself, he likes to learn how to become a more normal, shallow human. Yes, you too can have more friends willing to listen to your pointless commentary, if only you looked better! What could you talk about? Why, you could talk about your favourite celebrity gossip, or better yet, you could talk about yourself!
Please, continue to pour forth the eternal honey of your beautiful warbling. I would love to hear about who broke up with who, who might break up with who. Who might be fucking who, which one of them is lusting after which one of those. Yes, it's dazzling learning the names of every Pokemon in your collection. Oh you don't say, they changed what time your favourite tv show comes on? And who'd you say your favourite news broadcaster is? Oh wow, I like him too. Haha, I'm getting fat! Oh not you, you look great. Of course no one will notice that grey hair. Why I'd love to see that movie too. Hey, how about this weather?
Silence! Shut the fuck up.
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