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Shufflingdead > Articles > Personas
Enigma
 Hey! Is your life boring? Are you shy and quiet? Do your friends bully and make fun of you relentlessly because you never stand up for yourself? Then what you need is a persona! Invent a bunch of quirky attributes for yourself, that way people will listen to you and, if your lucky, stop hitting you. If you don't have anything to say, make fun of yourself for being a pervert. That's right, if your life is so boring you never have anything interesting to say, insult yourself! I know what you're saying, "but what if I end up looking like some kinda creepy deranged pervert?" well, that's even better. After all, isn't everybody an attention whore deep down inside, looking for people to laugh at all your dumb jokes? Well, I've compiled a very special checklist of all the things you'll need to stop being beet up, to become less shy and introverted and to have a lot of fun while you're doing it.
- Step 1: You're going to have to learn a few things before you begin your quest.
- Your first step should be to learn a bit about the very porn you'll pretend to love. Start with the really soft core stuff. Get desensitized to as much as you can so you can later appear to be a huge pervert.
- Next, you'll have to learn a bit about how to talk to people. Chances are you're a very minor part of a group so it won't be hard to find people to talk to. Just say "hey, what's up?" if you really want to be fancy, use catch phrases like "sup my homey?"
- Select a couple girls that you like so that you can tell your friends you're "stalking" them. note: you'll actually just be talking to them occasionally and making attempts to ask them out
- Step 2:
Now that you've got the appropriate background knowledge you must begin spreading word of your new found uniqueness. Tell the guys you've been saying "sup?" to about the girls your stalking. Tell them all the crazy facts you've learned about the whore down the hallway.
- Step 3:
 Once everyone knows just who it is you're stalking, it's time to bring up your porn obsession. Just casually mention at lunch the gigabyte of compressed porn you have on your computer. It doesn't matter if you don't have any porn on your hard drive, just tell them you do!
- Step 4:
 The very next day, start talking in the slang of whatever sub culture you've decided to take after. People will think "hey, what's that? That guy sounds like he's part of some elite group of special agents." I guarantee people will start talking to you as soon as they figure out just what you're actually saying.
After that, you're completely set. You'll have too many quirks to talk about for people to remember to hit you. I suppose the only problem is that you'll be stuck with the title of Creepy Perverted Bastard for the rest of high school and maybe your entire life. You'll probably also lose a couple of friends in the process due to your new found popularity and their jealousy, but that's okay, because you'll be making many more, much more attractive friends.
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