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Shufflingdead > Articles > Politics
Decision 2004
Whilst paying a long overdue visit to my television I came across a debate between the leaders of the four main federal political parties in Canada. You see, there’s apparently this election coming up, June 28, 2004. Now I've watched a lot of pretty horrible political shows in the past, stayed awake for all of them too. But while I was watching a little of this debate tonight something struck me, I have no fucking clue what these guys are talking about.
 | "Gonna break back for the hommies" ~Gilles Duceppe. |
Yes, I could comprehend all of the words pouring from their mouths, even the funny talking one. He's "French" I think they call it. Well anyway, my problems of comprehension stem from the fact that all four of the candidates on the show were accusing each other of things that have absolutely no consequence whatsoever. None of them actually discussed their own platform. Same deal goes for any political commercials you see. Tonight though, I've decided to figure out just what in the hell will be done by a few of the people running for the position of Prime Minister if elected. Yes, to help out anybody in a situation as dire as my own, I come to you with only the most pertinent information. Hopefully everyone will have a much better grasp of the Canadian political landscape once I'm done with them.
Firstly there is Paul Martin. He is currently the King of Canada as the leader of the Liberal party, he was made King when the old one (King Jean Chretien) died of falling in front of a moving train. During his reign Paul Martin has improved Canada-U.S. relations and defended himself against accusations of involvement with some wild ass sponsorship scandal thing Jean Chretien did. That's about all he's had time for. If elected, Paul Martin will keep things going exactly the way they already are. I think he has some plans about reducing the federal debt, which is good. Having said that, he'll probably pull a bunch of useless massive government projects out of his gaping anus as his predecessor did. Maybe gay marriage will be made legal at some point, I don't think he really cares either way on that one.
Next is Gilles Duceppe. He's the French guy I was talking about. He's leader of the Bloc-Quebecois party which only runs in Quebec and is all about getting Quebec way more shit than all the other provinces. Gilles Duceppe couldn't possibly be the next Prime Minister, he'll get a seat though. Then we'll be forced to listen to him whine about how much maple syrup his province gives Alberta and how much oil money Alberta ought to give Quebec in exchange.
 | "I like bunnies and rainbows" ~Jack Layton |
Then there's Jack Layton. Jack Layton is the leader of the NDP. The NDP is all about borrowing money. Borrowing massive amounts of money and using it to save the whales, painting flowers onto the helmets of army personnel as well as many other worthwhile logical things. If elected the NDP will throw Canada way deeper into debt and then legalize human-kangaroo marriage.
Stephen Harper is the leader of the Conservative party. The Conservative party is actually brand new, you see the Canadian Alliance and Progressive Conservative parties decided to merge when they realized they were the same party, thus ending a decade of neither party having a chance of winning. If elected Stephen Harper will sell out to the Americans, he will then use the profits to build a Canadian super army and take over the world. After that he'll make gay men impregnate underage girls and force the girls to keep the kids just as he cancels welfare. Then he will laugh maniacally as he releases a biological super weapon which will turn all humans into flesh hungry zombies out for revenge against Communists.
There's just one other party. They're for gay marriage, legalizing marijuana, and they're pro choice. If elected they would cut social spending and use the money to pay off the debt. After they paid off the debt they'd fix health care and the military, and lower tuition fees. No wait, I'm sorry, I'm wrong. A party this logical could not possibly exist in a democratic nation. In Canada everybody votes according to who will fix their specific problems and fuck everybody else. What I'm getting at is this: vote for the least of however many evils happen to appear on your ballot. Or write in "shufflingdead.com fuck tha po-lice" at least then the vote counters might go to the site.
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