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I plan on magically making myself the president of Russia in the near future. I wish to fix that countries current economic and social problems when in office, here's the plan.

The first order of business is to eliminate all of the government's corruption that has plagued the country forever. I'll have everyone in the "Duma," Russia's parliament, "peacefully removed" and replace them with a whole bunch of clones of Anna Kournikova and Anna Ohura. To do this I'll need a large scale cloning operation, located in bunkers underneath Siberia, of course. Anyone who's seen that pinnacle of modern film making, Michael Keaton's Multiplicity, knows that fully grown clones can be easily mass produced.

Kournikova/Ohura, my government.

I'll also ban anything that threatens my stay in office such as political parties, religions, and most definitely physical activity. To do all of this, I'll have to create a large force of secret police. I'll be resurrecting the KGB and equipping them with those cool ass guns from The Fifth Element, you know, the ones that were machine guns, flame throwers, net launchers, and bombs all in one.

Despite the fact the KGB will be able to collect taxes, there's no way I'll have enough capital to actually fund all of the cloning research and other worthwhile projects I plan on, which means I'm going to have to look for other sources of revenue. The ever empire-like Disney has inspired me to charge people to have their name etched into a brick in Red Square, just like at Disneyland. Russia has great stock piles of needless atomic weapons which could never be used for anything but overkill, it should be a cinch to auction off those bad boys to a fine and upstanding bidder from anywhere in the regions bordering the mighty motherland. I'll also be selling advertising space anywhere I can. I'll be selling all those nukes with nicely painted ads for Starbucks, McDonald's and maybe even Dell. Who knows, your very town could soon have a giant smiling picture of the "dude, you're getting a Dell!" guy's head bearing down on it.

A pair of average Russians at play.

While the state (and by state, I mean me) is going to control all forms of communication, it will still be perfectly legal to buy and sell goods. This will allow me to decide just what goes on on television, but since I want to have viewers and make a profit, I'm going to have to have decent programming. Russian TV is insane as it is, there's game shows that rival even the Japanese ones, and that whole naked news thing, which means there will be only a few changes. The first two are easy, naked news will now be hosted by randomly selected members of the new Duma, not only will this allow greater exposure (HAW HAW HAW) of my government, but will undoubtedly increase ratings. The second change is to turn all of the current game shows into survival horror scenarios, except, if you survive, you're shot. Contestants for these game shows will be selected from entries collected from prisoners working in Siberian work camps. The third change to Russian television will be the introduction of a brand new sitcom entitled 'Alf.' Alf will be about an alien who lives with an average Russian family from the eighties, all of the cast, including Alf, will be played by the kidnapped staff from the American program of the same name.

For the new Soviet Union to truly return to it's glory days, it needs to take back all that stuff in eastern Europe, namely Poland. Since I am a kind and noble man, I'll be sending clones of fat ass Americans to do the fighting. I'll kidnap a family of the loud mouths while they're on vacation, send them to my cloners, make about twelve million of these characters, tell them the dirty Communists of Canada, located all along our Western border, are threatening our heritage and that the average American needs to take up arms and do the right thing. I'll hook my new army up with the Russian mob for some weapons and ship them over to "Canada" to fight. After my inevitable victory, I'll troop move my secret police to all my conquered territories across eastern Europe, install puppet governments, take a card, and end my turn in a blaze of glory.