|
Shufflingdead > Articles > Pop Culture Pain
Braveheart the Manly
Today I was flipping channels and came across that very well known film "Braveheart." I had never seen the movie before, or most of it anyways, as I had gotten bored during the main character's (William Wallace's) love affair with that random farm girl. Luckily I came in on the movie about the time where I left off before. I guess I can understand how people so widely regard this film as "great," it's long, epic, filled with action and grandeur. None of this prevented me from seething with rage and hatred during the entire movie, of course.
 | Well of course the main character bangs her, she's hot, isn't she? |
Let's start off with the channel the movie was on, SpikeTV. Spike is supposed to be a channel for "men." Now, for the most part this means they cater to the emotionally stunted nerds that men so often happen to be. Certainly, many of my days have wasted away in front of their Star Trek and MXC laden schedule, so I can attest that they do typically cater to this crowd, the kind of "man" that I am. Still, the implication is blatant, Braveheart is on Spike because William Wallace is the kind of "man" that I, nay all men, are "supposed" to be.
Then there is the name of the movie, "Braveheart." Obviously, this title refers to Wallace. A movie based entirely on the reckless violent whims of its main character can't just show the audience all that is "man," and all the ways that we should live up to this example of "manhood," it actually has to come right out and tell us "HEY, THIS GUYS IS SO BRAVE HIS NAME IS BRAVEHEART."
Just what kind of "man" is William Wallace? He's the kind of guy who doesn't care when his townsmen's wives are being screwed by the occupying English, but snaps and sends thousands of the same townsmen to their deaths once his own wife is attacked and killed by those same English. He's the kind of guy who lazily labels his quest of revenge as a quest for "freedom." He's tall, muscular, magically well traveled and learned. He's the kind of man who lets his raving suicidal drive do the talking for him with women, so that they may interpret it as bravery and fall for him unquestioningly. He's the kind of man who dies only after great struggle and not by some stray arrow during one of his many battles. He dies in the most dramatic way possible, under the "cowardice" of those defending their kingdom through torture. He's the kind of man whose torture must involve being splayed out on a cross in some blatant Christ imagery. He's the kind of man who rejects drugs to ease the pain of his torture, opting to "take it like a man."
The English and Scottish kings, both enemies of William Wallace, are like two halves of a medieval Darth Vader, one with the coughing, the other with the bad skin. In every way they are shown to be the opposites of William Wallace. Where they are cold, intelligent, wealthy men, Wallace is Dr. Crazy Homeless Man. Of course, the movie doesn't want you to interpret it this way, no, the film insists Wallace's brutal murderous rampages are the struggle of a man seeking freedom for his people.
The movie is in every way predictable. The first time I saw the English King's daughter-in-law, the only person in seemingly the entire Imperial court with any common sense or likeability, I knew that Mel Gibson's mullet sporting character was going to be banging this broad in no time. Of course, a few scenes later she was lubing up just thinking about the deeds of this William Wallace, and wouldn't you know it, off fucking him a little later. Her unlikable, and might I add flakey and fashion conscious husband, acts as yet another opposite of Wallace. Where Wallace is all that is "man," the Prince is all that is "eww gay." I guess a movie which so strictly adheres to Christian ideals has no problem with adultery when the guy is just that awesome, and the cheated-on husband is just that useless.
Braveheart is like a dictionary for defining the masculine gender. Everything about William Wallace is regarded positively, and everything about William Wallace is generic manliness.
Discuss something on the forums - E-mail Us
|
