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Shufflingdead > Articles > Reviews
Review: Angelfire
 | Maren Ord: "These cock sucking, anal stretching pedophiles couldn't even score with me if they bought me a God damn fucking car!" |
Many internet people types these days have become too young, cheap and generally don't care enough to pay for web hosting which is why they turn to free hosts such as Lycos' Angelfire "service." Up until last week, that's where this very website was being hosted. But alas, I was forcibly removed when some lackey discovered a person with a brain, an opinion and some mildly pornographic ads was running the place and shut it down. I will now make a completely unbiased and fair review of Angelfire's service. As well, some sappy female artists who I may or may not listen to will be giving us their "2 cents."
 | Jewel: "I'd rather fuck a dog than use Angelfire" |
Angelfire is referred to as a "service" for some unknown reason but everybody knows Lycos isn't doing anybody a favor here, they're out to make money. The annoying pop-ups that used to be on this site supposedly would make them money (even if internet ads don't make anybody money) they were making money off of me somehow. Now, when they find a site such as mine which is clearly run by a terrorist they shut it down without providing any warning or the ability to rescue the contents of the site. They reserve the right to do this because anyone, obviously, who loses an Angelfire account is likely to be stupid enough to not back up their site and will promptly throw themselves off of an apartment building when they find out their site is gone. Angelfire believes they're doing everyone a favor by killing off all those "terrorists." Unfortunately for them, most of their clientele is 13 years olds who never update, therefore Angelfire hasn't killed anyone, yet.
 | Enya: "If Angelfire were a dildo I wouldn't let my pet sloth use it" |
As I just mentioned, much of Angelfire's users are young and posses minimal control of the English language, I will now prove this point for some unknown reason:
Daemonicus Demon:
Paul ~ Leprechauns rule boi! WOO!
Sal ~ Dude, same words as what I said to Tenchi. Don't stereotype people though!
Jimmah ~ You're a lier and a bastard. I can't believe I ever found an interest in speaking towards you. You do not have Asian pride, and your rhymes suck. Go to your damn Carolina Forest school, but remember, my football team is undefeated, we've everything on your ass. Piss off!
Cameron ~ Dewd! What's up Boi?! What the bloody hell are you up to? I hope you're aiight, stay kewl!
I will spare you from having to read any more examples.
Now that I am free of Angelfire's grip I will attempt to reveal a few of their secrets. Before I continue, I would like to point out that I am doing so despite the fact I am still in grave danger. Angelfire employs IB lynch mob members as elite operatives, trained in the dark ways who's task it is to stop this information from ever getting out. Angelfire uses underage children in third world countries to do all of their programming tasks. The children are forced to recite from the holy C++ text book for 8 hours and program the other 12 hours of their work day. All of the Lycos network is hosted on X-Boxes. Bill Gates himself provided the five X-Boxes required to host every Angelfire and Tripod site, the Lycos search engine as well as the Lycos instant messenger service. If that wasn't clear enough for you, I will say it again, Bill Gates is in league with Lycos. I've even heard that Bill Gates and Mr. Lycos enjoy more than just a professional relationship. There are many more secrets I could reveal, however, I feel doing so will result in my death so I shall conclude by saying, I give Angelfire  crappily drawn brown circles.
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