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Shufflingdead > Articles > Society
Evil~Mart
Some years ago that behemoth of American trailer park culture, Wal~Mart, purchased 122 Woolco stores in Canada and thus began it's infestation of my nation. Since then it has managed to mercilessly shred many great Canadian retailers, large chains and small independent stores the same. Using its monopoly Wal~Mart has been able to gain the favor of consumers across Canada and squeeze from us the last remnants of our national identity as well as anything which could possibly be construed as money.
Wal~Mart's business strategies are not difficult to understand. They move into a town, drive away or buy out all competition and force everyone they just made unemployed to work for them for greatly reduced wages. With no competition Wal~Mart is then able force everyone in the town to purchase whatever particular brands the company has decided we all should own. Ironically, this includes the Wal~Mart employees, who's entire wages only cover the living essentials, all exclusively available at... wait for it... Wal~Mart! It's like free fucking labor, or as I like to call it "slave labor." Interestingly enough, Wal~Mart was founded by a man from the southern United States, probably a Confederate, who's business practices were inspired by his hero's, the cotton farmers, who owned many slaves and worked them to death for cotton.
 | A Confederate, and founder of Wal~Mart |
There are few people on this planet qualified for organizing and carrying out a war upon the largest corporation on the planet, but I feel I am the one to lead this revolution! The mastermind behind such campaigns as "kill the International Bastards" and "kill Bill Gates and his X-Box" returns to fight the greatest of all fights. As I am a true humanitarian, I can never sit idle while this evil is left unchecked. While spies, of which I have many, are very useful in gaining information about my foe, it is the common man who’s aid I reacquire. You, yes you, the average person who reads my website must start up a local chapter and help bring down the mighty beast, store by store. Once you have opened up a local "kill Wal~Mart" chapter there are but three steps you must follow as a group to destroy this scourge. I can't take all the credit for this plan, much of it was devised by fellow Shufflingdead staff-member DMUSER, but he's too lazy to ever actually write anything.
Step 1: Preparation
Everything needs to be just right for this truly ingenious plot to work. You're going to need 40 costumes of that yellow smiley face guy and 30 little boy costumes with gigantic lollipops and beanies. You'll also need to print thousands of fake ads and flyers advertising incredible Boxing day sales, I'm talking about things like "90% off all Olson twins merchandise" and other impossible prices. Distribute these everywhere in your town in the days leading up to Boxing day.
 | What your "child agents" should look like. |
Step 2: Code Adam
The most important thing that my Wal~Mart spies have taught me is that the code for a lost child is "Code Adam." On boxing day send in the 40 men and women you have selected to wear the smiley face costumes, don't send them in wearing their costumes, just make sure they've got those with them in suitcases or other carrying devices. At the same time, send in the 30 agents you've selected to wear the little boy costumes, these operators should be already wearing their costumes. Have the smiley agents high-jack the many telephones located around your Wal~Mart and have them announce "Code Adam" in various departments around the store. The Wal~Mart associates will then begin looking for these so called "lost children" which is when your child agents must strike down the enemy! Using their gigantic lollipops have the child agents brutally attack and mutilate the Wal~Mart associates.
Step 3: Slash Prices
With the Wal~Mart associates out of the way, your smiley face agents must quickly put on their costumes and begin switching the prices of as many products in the store as they can. The throngs of customers, already angered by the false advertising which they've been seeing the last few days and lack of service from the recently maimed Wal~Mart associates, will lose all control when they find gigantic smilies running around and changing all the prices in the store and will soon begin rioting. They will simply steal all that they can, and with a little luck, even set the store on fire.
Wal~Mart will be driven from Canada forever as its stores crash and burn and all of its assets are lost. A glorious return to decent retailers like grand old Zellers will occur and all will be right with the Canadian economy again. Gimmie a squiggle, bitch.
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