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Shufflingdead > Articles > Society
The Newbs Style
Fed up with the fashion obsessions of this "crazy mixed up world" of ours, I've decided to make my own brand of clothing simply to take advantage of this "fast paced, dog eat dog" planet in which we live. Note the incredible MS Paint renderings, I'm trying to look "underground."
The first thing such a brand needs is a name. As I am the infamous Newbs, the name Newbs will work. There will be no specific logo as I plan on marketing to every human on earth who has enough money to buy some sort of unpronounceable caffeinated beverage at Starbucks every day, lots of dazzling flashy lights and a subwoofer for every seat in their car, a platinum necklace with working satellite reception for their current fuck buddy, and endless amounts whiny CD's.
 | 1. guys shirt, intentionally too small (emo style)
2. cape, because they're cool
3. girls skirt, because I'm horny
4. girls shirt, because all girls should wear stuff like that |
Once I've manufactured the clothes I plan on selling, I'll open up a chain of stores at which to sell these goods at exclusively. The people who work at the store will wear all black, including black berets and black rimmed glasses, the men will also be required to have goatee's, foreign workers will only be hired if they are "homosexual."
 | The store's walls and furnishings will be completely white. All of the lights, as well as the sign outside, will be neon red. |
To market my clothing, I'll need a series of wacky, fresh and in-your-face ads in all those horrible magazines which preach the need for 972 different shades of lip stick and occasionally print extremely "deep" and "personal" articles about eating disorders, mixing them with ads for fad diets. It just so happens that I have already prepared one such ad, and would like you, my reader, to view it here (clickety the linkety, you know you want to).
The Newbs brand is more than just a clothing line, nay, it's a way of life. Not only can you look like a moron, you can think like moron! Here at headquarters, we have a saying, "if you're stupid enough to buy our shirts, you're probably stupid enough to shoot up whatever the fuck we tell you to." Which means, you guessed it, we will be coming out with our very own illegal drug shortly after out stores open. This isn't some pussy thing like crack or crystal meth mind you, this is like that drug from Robocop, and it's called 'Newbsification,' or 'ewb' for short. Ewb resembles sugar and is packaged in a similar fashion, it is taken by pouring the crystals into an ink cartridge from an ink jet printer, sticking a needle in-between your finger nails and your skin, and injecting the concoction.
I assure you, there are many more products we will be releasing down the road but I don't want to divulge too many details because they'll eat your first born if it means an edge on the competition in this industry. I can tell you, however, that Newbs trading cards, video games (featuring bad fashion busting action), dolls with working genitalia (during playtime, it is recommended that dolls with bad fashion sense should be punished with less sex), stale, sugar coated cereal, encrusted with what are supposedly marshmallows, a TV show that features washed up actors using all our products telling jokes from the fifties, "teen gross-out" film starring actors in their late thirties and even some new clothes are all in the works.
Look for our stores to open soon in a gigantic, elitist mall near you!
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