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Shufflingdead > Articles > Society
The Plans of One Creator Of Society
Last night an incredibly hot and entirely naked girl showed up at my front door with a rather embarrassed look on her face. She explained she had been masturbating with some sort of ultra high tech dildo in front of my house, but had lost control of it and it had flown over my house, and probably ended up in my back yard. So we went back there to look for the thing and found a hole in the middle of the yard. Thinking the thing had burrowed itself into the ground we decided to dig. The girl, still somewhat aroused, ended up getting distracted and using the shovel handle as a pleasure device. I continued to dig, and after about half an hour found not only the dildo, which was still in perfect working order, but also a large treasure chest.
 | Canadians. |
I opened the chest, which was obviously pirate in nature, and discovered many gold Aztec coins. Knowing the coins were probably cursed I avoided taking those, but instead dug around inside the chest to discover some odd papers. The girl, obviously not a master of self control, grabbed some of the coins and promptly turned into a zombie and began shuffling around (it is from this experience from which the name shufflingdead.com comes). The important thing here is that those papers turned out to be a speech of the man who created Canada. For your reading pleasure I now present to you those plans:
People of Canada, I am your creator, bow before me!! After many sleepless nights in my secret lair I have finally decided how you shall all live!
To start things off I have determined our country will be placed right alongside the United States. I have kindly asked the US, and they have agreed, to screw you over on every possible occasion and to degrade you constantly. This will teach Canadians to be humble, so that they may also be screwed over by everyone else in the world. The purpose of all of this, of course, is to keep people from investigating Canadian life. The more people who believe we live in igloos and eat seals the better. The terrible secret that we're pretty much like everyone else must never be revealed!
I have decided that you'll be forced to pay 50% taxes on everything you earn. You'll also pay 7% taxes on everything you buy, because the act of just buying things and contributing to the economy isn't enough to keep our gigantic bureaucracy running smoothly. Any and all money you might have left over after a hard day of working you must spend the next morning on coffee and donuts at a place called Tim Horton's! MWHAHAHAHA!
 | More Canadians. |
The act of actually getting a job must be as difficult as possible. For a person to get their first job they must apply on hundreds of jobs, get turned down on all of them because they don't have any experience and then either, get their parents to pull some strings and get them a job or suck a lot of corporate dick. The minimum wage, however, will be so low no person could ever possibly live on it.
The whole purpose of minimum wage jobs is for people in high school, desperate for cash, to do all the jobs nobody else wants to do. We don't actually tell the kids this though, we tell them they're working to save up for... POST SECONDARY EDUCATION! MUHUHAHAHAHA!!! All education before post-secondary will be cheap as hell so that we can adequately brain wash everyone into believing all of Canadian identity is represented by a beer can, but then we jack up the prices for education that actually does anything. No human could ever live so cheaply that they could actually save enough for post secondary education though, and everyone will eventually be forced to just take out loans to go to school. It is only after going through post secondary education that a person can actually get a job they can live off of.
The sheer complexity of earning money will keep a good chunk of the population on the streets, which is also part of my design. You see, I really don't like cleaning my car windows, so we attach rags to all the homeless people and get them to clean everybody's car windows. We'll have to make health care public, so that my legions of homeless people don't die all the time, but that's all right, I'm sure that won't be too much of a burden on tax payers. EEH HE GHEGHEGHGEH! WHAHAHAHAHA!! AAAAAAHHAHAHAHA!
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