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Shufflingdead > Articles > Society
I Should Just Be Rich
Just about everybody on the planet has at one time or another dreamed about becoming incredibly wealthy. I'm fairly certain the only people to ever walk the Earth without having ever desired this have had their heads so far up their asses that they became entirely enveloped in their own intestines and subsequently died the most horrible death that could ever be, which, by the way, they were perfectly entitled to. I claim to be no different. Here's the thing, I truly and honestly deserve it. I fear that the immense pressure placed on me by society to support myself will eventually crush my ever dwindling spirit and I will wind up like all the other witless brain dead fucks in this world known as "retirees."
 | The world of retirement. Save me from this terrible fate! |
Let's analyze the situation here, the longer I stay un-rich, the longer I spend toiling away at a job doing work. If I don't become rich by the time I finally enter post-secondary education I will have spent something like a year and a half doing work. Work! If I don't become incredibly wealthy during my education, I'll be forced to work during the summer just to support my habit of living and by the end of it all I'll be strapped with crippling debt in an unpredictable job market. Look at me even now, I'm using phrases like "unpredictable job market," it's starting already, this sinister, horrible, evil thing called work is destroying me.
Let's pretend for a second that I do manage to find a "decent" job after my post-secondary education. I suppose I'll work hard and make my way up the corporate ladder a little. After awhile I'll become so lonely that I'll be forced to find some sucker to marry me. We'll be fine for awhile but eventually she'll agree to stay with me only if we have children, I know it. I also know that I'll agree because of the wretched husk of a man work will have made me. I'll then spend the rest of my life supporting the unappreciative twats because I'll have this ridiculous fantasy about them becoming successful. Oh, did I mention I'll be raising them alone? Well obviously, since the wife will inevitably leaving me.
Aside from the few people lucky enough to simply be born rich or win the lottery everybody has to commit the majority of their lifetime toiling away at the hell that is a job. Think about that for a second, the average person with average salary is expected to spend forty years doing whatever random and inane tasks a group of faceless executives decides he ought to do. Only after all of that time, and only if he's carefully planned his retirement, and somehow managed to spend that forty years without ever encountering any emergency problems and invested his money so wisely that he hasn't lost it all to economic recessions can he retire. I simply cannot take this kind of stress kids!
 | The horrors of a desk job. No one deserves to work in an office. |
There are a few alternatives I suppose, death is handy, there's also prison, which I hear provides quite nicely. Technically I'm not whole heartedly against all things which you could call a "job" either, there's that whole "do what you love" notion in which a person can simply find something he loves doing and get rich doing it. Well, if prostitution was legal and all the women in the world looking for gigolo’s were hot, then I'd be on the fast track to a comfy life. Even more unlikely, keep writing for this website and expect people to simply give me money because they think I'm so hilarious. Or how about watching movies for the rest of my life, only that bastard Roger Ebert could be so lucky as to land a job like that. There truly is only one solution for me, money, lots of it.
I'm not asking for much. If every person on earth gave me a single penny I'd be worth $60 million dollars. Seriously folks, the "famous" people on tv are telling you that you need to donate something like the cost of a cup of coffee every day to support a kid in a third world country who's bound to be struck down by a land mine long before he can appreciate what you're doing for him. I only require a one time payment of a penny, and I'm already fully equipped to appreciate what you'll be doing for me.
I don't plan to do anything particularly evil or heroic with this money, you'll never be bothered by me again. I just plan on living a nice comfortable life. Do a little art, write for my website, get some education for the sake of being educated, try anal, travel, whatever suits my fancy. Doesn't this sound like a great way to live a life to you? Don't force me to do anything unnatural, like spend one more second doing someone else's bidding, send a little cash my way and help a deserving victim out a little.
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