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Shufflingdead > Articles > Unfunny
Canadians and Ice Do Not Mix
Okay, we have all seen the Salt Lake City
Olympics. How could you miss it? Its only on 18 channels, and as
Homer Simpson recently mentioned, 'all my favorite shows are pre-empted for the
Olympics! Doh!'
Anyway, as you probably have noticed, the
Canadian's have had *disappointing* performances in events they should
have kicked ass in. Here is my hit list for Canadians in Ice Events.
 The
world record holder was a strong hopeful for a medal in short track speed
skating. During last week's 500m, the guy tripped 5 steps into the
race. I mean, come on, you're one of the best skaters in the world,
everyone though you'd be on the podium for sure, and you trip? Give me a
break. The guy then goes into the second round (he wouldn't have been able
to go for a medal, but it was good *experience*) and sets one of the best times.
What an embarrassment.
- Jamie Sale and David Pelletier.
 First
of all, I want to say that they were totally jipped out of their gold medal
(which they eventually got) cause they totally beat out the Russians in the long
program. But in the short program, they had a wonderful performance.
That is, until their fancy bow, when David dropped Jamie and they both landed in
a heap on the ice. The funny thing is that right before that, Brian
Williams of CBC had a 'Canadian Trail' moment and showed them practicing their
short routine. They did it perfectly, and didn't fall! At least they
have a sense of humor. During warm up right before their long program,
Jamie collided with Anton from the Russian Gold Medal Pair. That girl can
take a hit. Even Don Cherry was impressed. After watching the
Canadian Women's Olympic Hockey team, I think Jamie should suit up for them.
Hmm...interesting picture
- Shae-Lynne Bourne and Victor Kraatz.
 They
had a really great long dance program going until, you guessed it, he dropped
her and they fell. These guys have been to the Worlds, Olympics, Skate
Canada/America, etc so big time competition isn't anything new. They were
in their last seconds of their program, when in a lift, he fumbles and drops
her. They managed to salvage it into looking like they, um, planned their
ending like that, but everyone new. They kind of looked like star fish
sprawled out like that.
- Marie-France Dubreuil and Patrice
Lauzon, Canada's second-ranked pair for ice dancing went into the
final in 12th place. They were seconds into their 'Madame Butterfly'
long program, when her red feathery dress got caught on his sailor-shirt
buttons, during a spin. They stopped, spoke to the judges, and were
allowed to restart from the point where she got stuck on him. They
started, and stopped immediately cause apparently their music was wrong and
they couldn't start in the middle of a spin. Whiners! Maybe if
she got a real skating dress that didn't have a big bow on her ass, she
could skate better! Honestly, I know its ice dance, but its
still a sport people.
- At least our Men's Hockey team tied Czech Republic.
 They
played well, despite the dirty hits the Czechs made (that cross check and the
spearing, slashing, kicking, etc. I mean, honestly, why don't you just
take off your skate and stab the guy if you want to kill him!). But Canada will
have to really struggle in any hope to reach the podium. I can't believe
it; Hockey is our national sport. We have a bitter Wayne Gretzky as our
executive director. We have great players like Lemieux, Nieuwendyk, Fleury,
Lindros, and Brodeur. And we tied Czech and lost to Sweden! Pathetic.
- Perhaps Canada should just leave ice
for what its really good for: Alcoholic Beverages and Slurpees.
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