Shufflingdead > Cock Wars
Get to Know Your Cock Wars 2006 Contestants - Alpha Quadrant
The "Burger King" King
Description: Burger King's King has been terrorizing television for some time now. Not a mere mascot, but an actually force in modern horror, The King is a one man wrecking crew.
Battle cry: "Wake up with the The King."
What others are saying: "Where is your god now?" - ytmnd.com
Special move: Showing his horrible face.
David Xanatos
Description: David Xanatos is the nefarious mastermind that brought The Gargoyles back to life after being frozen in stone for a thousand years. His accomplishments also include building the world's tallest building, with an authentic Scottish castle on top of it, and building an army of robotic Gargoyles.
Famous lines: "Pay a man enough, and he'll walk barefoot into hell."
Special move: Pony-tail whip.
Cloud Strife
Description: I know fuck all when it comes to Cloud. He has a big sword, which he uses to compensate for lack of cock, and even bigger hair, which he uses to compensate for lack of testicles.
Special move: Swinging that big damn sword.
Alec "006" Trevelyan
Description: James Bond's traitorous former cohort. It is said that he is a "Lienz Cossack," whatever that means.
Famous lines: "For England James?"
What others are saying: "No, for me." - James Bond
Special move: Circle-strafing with pistols in Bunker.
Mario
Descriptin: Mario is a noble and honour bound hero, he has rescued his girlfriend, Princess Toadstool, dozens of times from the clutches of pure evil. His girlfriend, I might add, is pretty fucking hot, and royalty is always down with kinky shit. Mario has jumped, karted, power-leveled, fought, tennissed, baseballed, soccerred, partied, and danced his way to being the most successful video game character of all time.
Battle cry: "It's-a me, Mario!"
What others are saying: "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!" - Toad
Special moves: Jumping, fire-ball throwing.
Tooth Fairy
Description: The Tooth Fairy sneaks into children's rooms at night undetected and steals teeth from beneath their very pillows. Her amazing stealth abilities imply a massive figurative cock.
Special move: Throwing fistfuls of pointy teeth at her enemies.
Chuck Norris Chuck Norris
Description: Chuck Norris is the face of one of the most idiotic internet fads to come along in a long time. He has starred in the brilliant film "The Delta Force," and the classic television show "Walker: Texas Ranger."
What others are saying: "I refuse to be a part of this idiotic internet fad. You will not see any fake Chuck Norris quotes here." - Newbs
Zangief
Description: Zangief is a patriotic wrestler from the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. According to Wikipedia, his interests include chugging vodka, and that he dislikes "beautiful young women."
Famous lines: "Stop blocking my fists with your face."
Special move: Spinning pile driver.
Ron Weasley
Description: Ron Weasley is student at Hogwart's School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Though not an excellent student or Quiditch player, he excels at Wizard chess, and is considered a loyal friend to Harry Potter. Many anticipate Ron to finally nail Hermione in Harry Potter 7.
Battle cry: "Bloody hell!"
What others are saying: "Next time there’s a ball, pluck up the courage and ask me before somebody else does, and not as a last resort!" - Hermione Granger
Special move: Casting spells on himself.
Zoidberg
Description: Zoidberg is the brilliant medical doctor of Planet Express. He has managed seemingly impossible surgeries such as attaching Fry's head onto Amy's body, and rearranging Fry's limbs. Zoidberg is a man of simple pleasures, and is not ashamed to live in crushing abject poverty.
Famous lines: "The sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!"
Battle cry: "Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school so remind me; disemboweling in your species—fatal or non-fatal?"
Tingle
Description: Tingle is a brutally annoying middle-aged man who makes a living ripping Link off at every given opportunity, often through the selling or deciphering of maps.
Battle cry: "Kooloo-Limpah!"
Special move: Floating around attached to a balloon.
Arcturus Mengsk
Description: Mengsk is a brilliant leader who unites the Terrans against their common Zerg enemy.
Famous lines: "Fellow Terrans, I come to you in the wake of recent events, to issue a call to reason..."
Special move: SCV rushing.
Mr. "Commander/Captain/Ambassador" Spock
Description: Mr. Spock is a half human, half Vulcan who has had a remarkable and distinguished career over his roughly two hundred year life. He served as first officer on the U.S.S. Enterprise under the command of Captain James T. Kirk during its historic five year mission. He would return to serve under Kirk several more times, including during a trip through time to the 1980's which resulted in saving the United Federation of Planets from certain doom. Just previous to this, Spock actually died and was resurrected, much like a religious prophet, which I believe him to be. Spock would go on to become an ambassador to Romulus, and worked with the likes of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. At one point, Spock even met with the historic Vulcan T'Pau, rounding out his meeting with virtually every important figure in Federation history (aside from Jonathan Archer and Zefram Cochrane, I suppose).
Famous lines: "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
"Don't grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh [the needs of the few], or the one... I have been, and always shall be, your friend. (Holds up his hand in the Vulcan salute) Live long and prosper."
Special moves: Vulcan nerve pinch, two-handed punch.
Bill Gates
Description: Bill Gates is the owner of Microsoft corporation, and the richest working person in the world. He is the nefarious backer of the X-Box.
Famous lines: "Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning."
Special move: Buying your company.
Wolverine
Description: Wolverine is a member of the X-Men, a group of mutant's led by the brilliant Professor X. His skeleton is lined with indestructible adamantium metal alloy, and his body heals almost immediately. He has three retractable claws on each hand also made of adamantium.
What others are saying: "His name is Logan, and he is sexy." - Jill
Special move: Fucking people up with those adamantium claws.
Ash (Evil Dead)
Description: Ash is the reluctant hero reborn as the arrogant super hero. His swagger, way with women, and undead slaying skills are only outclassed by his chin.
Famous lines: "Give me some sugar, baby."
Battle cry: "Yo! She-bitch! Let's go."
Special move: Chain-saw/shotgun dual wielding brutality.
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