Shufflingdead > Cock Wars
Get to Know Your Cock Wars 2007 Contestants - Alpha Quadrant
Kool-Aid Man
Description: The Kool-Aid Man is a walking, running, talking, wall-breaking badass with Kool-Aid enough for all the bastard children of the world.
Battle cry: "OH, YEAAHH!"
Special move: Diabetes.
Turanga Leela
Description: Leela is the one-eyed captain of The Planet Express Ship. She is the most human mutant that has ever been born in the sewers of New New York. She once had sex with the second greatest man of all time, Zapp Brannigan, and once made out with the greatest man of all time, William Shatner.
Famous lines: "Now all the planets are going to start cracking wise about our mothers." "Axe."
Special move: Flying battle kick.
Donald Duck
Description: Donald is a furious duck, short of temper, biding his time before he can overthrow Mickey Mouse for ultimate control of the empire of Disney. Ebenezer Scrooge once rejected an invitation to Donald's house for Christmas dinner.
Battle cry: Incomprehensible quacking.
Megabyte
Description: Megabyte is the brilliant and over-all awesome virus of Mainframe. His greatness is so large that it entirely overshadows that of the other virus living in Mainframe, Hexadecimal. He seeks dominance over Mainframe and to transform it into the orderly Megaframe.
Special move: Retractable yellow claws of rape.
Chef Torte
Description: Chef Torte is a baker so superb that he once managed to make a living cake. He looks like a Koopa, but for some reason speaks with a German accent. If Chef Torte ever falls off a ladder, spectators will be forced to say "see ya ladder Chef Torte."
Famous lines: "I vant to be a vald class-baker."
Battle cry: "Zee cake's alive! RUN!!"
Special move: Baking, you got a problem with that?
Selene
Description: Selene is the hottest fucking vampire of all time. She wears this tight fucking black leather which shows off her ridiculously hot vampire body.
Famous lines: "I am a Death Dealer, sworn to destroy those known as the Lycans. Our war has waged for centuries, unseen by human eyes. But all that is about to change."
Special move: Moving at all. Not moving, also. Seriously, it hurts just thinking about how hot she is.
Albert Einstein
Description: Einstein is undoubtedly the most famous scientist of all time. He encouraged development of the atomic bomb, though later regretted it. He came up with the general theory of relativity, and somehow figured out that going really fast makes you move slower in time. Einstein was Time magazine's man of the 20th century.
Famous lines: "God does not play dice." "I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
Battle cry: "E=mc2"
What others are saying: "He was the embodiment of pure intellect, the bumbling professor with the German accent, a comic cliche in a thousand films. Instantly recognizable, like Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp, Albert Einstein's shaggy-haired visage was as familiar to ordinary people as to the matrons who fluttered about him in salons from Berlin to Hollywood. Yet he was unfathomably profound--the genius among geniuses who discovered, merely by thinking about it, that the universe was not as it seemed." - Time Magazine
Special move: Being impersonated in a mediocre Meg Ryan movie.
Lieutenant Junior Grade Reginald "Reg" Endicott Barclay "Broccoli" III
Description: To say that Barclay is a great man is absurd, and even saying that he is the greatest man is an understatement. The English language is incapable of expressing just how great Barclay is. His cock is not of the universe, the universe is of his cock. He has been through many hardships, he was once turned into a giant spider, and his IQ was once made 1025, a severe lowering, I assure you. He was an amazing engineer aboard the Enterprise, and even met Zephram Cochrane on one of their missions. He also played a vital role in returning Voyager to Earth.
Battle cry: Incoherent stuttering.
What others are saying: "Broccoli." - Jean-Luc Picard
Special moves: Seeing worm guys in the transporter. Two-handed punch.
Alex Trebek
Description: Alex Trebek is the god of trivia, the overlord of Jeopardy! itself. He is a formerly honourable man who betrayed his fans when he shaved his iconic moustache and became an American citizen.
What others are saying: "Shuck it Trebek" - Sean Connery
Special move: Telling you you're wrong over and over until you cry.
Craw Wurm
Description: Creature - Wurm, power: 6, toughness: 4.
What others are saying: "The most terrifying thing about the Craw Wurm is probably the horrible crashing sound it makes as it speeds through the forest. This noise is so loud it echoes through the trees and seems to come from all directions at once."
Special move: Tapping to attack.
Steven Q. Urkel
Description: Steve Urkel is an inventor extraordinaire, his inventions include a machine which can transform a human being into an entirely different person, a time machine, a shrinking machine, and a cloning machine. He once fucked a chick with a huge rack.
Famous lines: "Did I do that?" "Got any cheese?"
Battle cry: "If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance, all you have to do is hitch up your pants, bend your knees, and stick out your pelvis; (I'm telling you, baby, it's better than Elvis!)"
Gandalf "Mithrandir" "Greyhame" "the Grey" "Stormcrow"
Description: Gandalf is a Maiar of Valinor, one of five sent to Middle Earth, and the only one not to stray. He wields the second greatest cane of all time.
Famous lines: "There is only one Lord of the Ring, only one who can bend it to his will, and he does not share power!" "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." "If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."
Battle cry: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!"
What others are saying: "Your love of the halflings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind." - Saruman "I will break him." - The Witch-king of Angmar
Special move: Talking to moths.
John Hammond
Description: Hammond is the exceedingly wealthy owner and founder of InGen, a company which managed to extract dinosaur DNA from mosquitoes preserved in amber and then used it to clone living dinosaurs. He is a visionary unmatched, and lets you know it by wearing a beard, all white clothing, and the greatest cane of all time.
Famous lines: "Spared no expense." "Welcome... to Jurassic Park!" "Dennis... our lives are in your hands, and you have butterfingers?"
Special move: Random canings.
The "T-800" Terminator
Description: The Terminator is a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 android made of a metal alloy endoskeleton with living tissue overtop.
Famous lines: "I'll be back." "Hasta la vista, baby!" "I now know why you cry, but it is something I can never do."
Special move: Fucking up some shit.
Harry and Marv
Description: Harry and Marv, known as the "Wet Bandits" are a pair of robbers in such incredible physical condition that they have survived being hit in the face by paint cans, having book shelves fall on them, and having their hair lit on fire.
Special move: Surviving.
Severus Snape
Description: Snape is the hook-nosed, greasy haired Professor of Potions at Hogwarts. He's not a villain, Dumbledore totally asked him to kill him!
Battle cry: "Expeliarmus!"
Special move: Occlumency.
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