Shufflingdead > Cock Wars
Get to Know Your Cock Wars 2006 Contestants - Beta Quadrant
Michelin Man
Description: The Michelin Man is, remarkably, a sentient being comprised entirely of tires. While not present in artistic renderings, his cock-tacular cock is surely also comprised of tires, a great many, very broad tires.
Special move: Bouncing you around with his girth.
Richard Nixon
Description: Nixon is the 37th president of the United States, and the only such president to ever be successfully impeached. His impeachment was for what Wikipedia describes as "rampant corruption, illegality, and deceit." Nixon went on to be re-elected in Futurama, due in large part to a massive, raging, robot body.
Famous lines: "I am not a crook."
Special moves: Eye-gouging disguised as peace sign waving, spying.
Professor X
Description: Professor X is the founder and leader of the X-Men, a group of mutants who seek to use their mutant powers to do good. Xavier is also known for promoting the awesomeness of baldness.
Special move: Crazy brain shit.
Boris Grishenko
Description: Boris is an indomitable hacker from the USSR. His talents also include the sexual harassment of women, and absurd amounts of: awesomeness, radicalness, and badicalness.
Battle cry: "I am Invincible!"
Special move: Hacking.
Waluigi
Description: Waluigi's goodness/badness is ambiguous. Amongst his three brothers, Wario would consider him a great man, as Wario is a frequent ally. However, to Mario, and Luigi, his other two brothers, he is likely considered evil, or at least misguided. Waluigi is a brilliant tennis player, and is a talented villain.
Special move: Turning his eyes into spinning rainbows of death.
Santa Claus
Description: Santa is an evil tool used by both Christians and Coca Cola to propogate their agendas. With their backing, he employs so-called "little persons" as slave labour in a sweat shop located at the North Pole.
Battle cry: "Ho ho ho!"
Special move: Sack beating.
Tifa "TITTIES" Lockhart
Description: TITTIES.
What others are saying: "TITTIES." - ancient Chinese proverb
Special move: TITTIES.
Indiana Jones
Description: Indiana Jones is an archaeologist whose pass-times include killing Nazi's, getting laid, shooting men who wave big swords at him, and whipping things with his whip.
Famous lines: "Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?"
What others are saying: "No time for love." - Short Round
Special move: Whipping.
Draco Malfoy
Description: Draco is Harry Potter's school hood nemesis at Hogwart's. He is known for being a snobby, horrible person for no apparent reason, and hates wizard's of non-magical decent with wild fanaticism. He's also good at being rich.
Battle cry: "You filthy little mudblood!"
What others are saying: "You foul, loathsome, evil, little cockroach!" - Hermione
Special move: Dick prickery.
Linus Torvalds
Description: I don't know fuck about Linus, other than that he created Linux. He apparently created Linux based on the Unix kernel (whatever that means), and Unix is something that is mentioned in Jurassic Park, so it has to be awesome.
What others are saying: "Lunix."
Ganon
Description: Ganon holds the Triforce of Power, one third of the legendary Triforce which grants a wish to those who touch it. Ganon is inherently evil in every respect, and seeks to destroy Link and Zelda His ultimate desire, however, is to rule all of Hyrule with his madness.
Battle cry: "Eh. Eh. Eh."
Special move: Creating spinning bats made of fire.
Chun-Li
Description: Chun-Li is a blazingly fast fighter who can jump wildly around her opponents, even using imaginary boundaries to bounce off of in efforts to destroy those who confront her. Please note the nipple erection Chun-Li sports in the adjacent image.
Battle cry: "Yatta!"
Special move: Lightning Kick.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Description: Picard is a pivotal figure in the United Federation of Planets, which encompasses over 150 member planets, spread over 8000 light years, and values the noble pursuits of self improvement and exploration above all else. From this great civilization, only one man could be chosen to captain the Federation flagship, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before! That man is Jean-Luc Picard.
Famous lines: "This is Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise." "THERE. ARE FOUR. LIGHTS." "Engage." "Tea, earl gray. Hot." "Make it so."
Battle cry: "I will not sacrifice the Enterprise. We've made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, and no further! And I will make them pay for what they have done!"
Special move: Two handed punch.
Stewie Griffin
Description: Stewie is the talking, scheming, mad scientist son of Peter and Lois Griffin. His inventions include a wide variety of weaponry, though his greatest scientific moment is likely the invention of a time machine.
Famous lines: "Victory is mine!"
Battle cry: "Now is the winter of your discontent!"
Special move: Shooting you with whatever projectile he can invent and build.
Steven "Seagull" Seagal
Description: Seagal is an action "star" known for his "brilliant performance" in the "film" Under Siege.
Special move: Probably something to do with martial arts, who the hell cares.
Infested Kerrigan
Description: Infested Kerrigan is the reincarnation of Kerrigan, a Terran ghost who once fought for humanity, now she rules over the Zerg collective. In my servitude to Kerrigan, I have defeated many Protoss and Terrans, and have assisted greatly the rise of Kerrigan in the name of the horde.
Famous lines: "You begin to annoy me, Cerebrate."
What others are saying: "I'd hit it." - Newbs
Special move: Overwhelming Ultralisk horde.
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