Shufflingdead > Cock Wars
Get to Know Your Cock Wars 2007 Contestants - Beta Quadrant
Colonel Sanders
Description: Colonel Sanders is the founder and mascot of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He perfected his infamous secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices in a diabolical plan to grease the entire world enough to speed up the planet's rotation.
Battle cry: "Finger-lickin' good."
Special move: Flying scissor kicks to the throat.
Jon Stewart
Description: Jon Stewart is the host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show. He replaced the unfunniest man in the history of television, Craig Kilborn, as host in 1999. He has given birth to the careers of Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. Jon also does a really accurate impersonation of Dick Cheney.
Battle cry: "Douche."
What others are saying: "Jon." - Steven Colbert
Scruffy
Description: Scruffy is Planet Express' janitor. He believes in dying the way he lived, that is to view in rapt pleasure the pages of Zero-G Juggs.
Famous lines: "'Course it's shank or be shanked."
Battle cry: "Oh marmalade..."
Dr. Cox
Description: Dr. Cox is... a doctor. I've never watched more than five minutes of Scrubs, and fuck if I'm going to research it when I could be sleeping. If you don't know who "Cox" is, well then you're going to have to go ahead and take the time to do a little research on your own.
Famous lines: "I wanted you to think about yourself, and I mean really think. What are you good at? What do you suck at? And then I want you to put it down on paper. And not so I could see it, and not so somebody else could see it, but so you could see it."
Special move: Fuck you, I don't know.
Drudge "Drudgies" Skeletons
Description: Drudgies are the meanest 1/1s you'll ever encounter. They have a converted mana cost of two, and they can regenerate for one. If you're attacking with some kind of mighty beast, you'd better hope he has trample, or else Drudgies is going to block the cunt out of him.
What others are saying: "Bones scattered around us joined to form misshapen bodies. We struck at them repeatedly—they fell, but soon formed again, with the same mocking look on their faceless skulls."
Special move: B: Regenerate Drudge Skeletons.
Senior Chief Petty Officer Miles "Smiley" Edward O'Brien
Description: When the United Federation of Planets needs a job done, they call on O'Brien to get it done. When they have a war to fight against the Cardassians, the Cardassians again, the Dominion, the Klingons, the Dominion again, they give Smiley a ring and he kicks some ass and uses racial slurs while he's at it. When something is broken, he fixes it. When somebody needs to be tortured, he gets tortured, at least once a season. He gets married by Captains to hot women half his age, Bajorans to carry his children, and Klingons to deliver them. Miles loves his wife even when she manages to age in reverse and become even younger.
Famous lines: "Jamaican blend, double-strong, double-sweet."
Special moves: Kayaking, two-handed punch.
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Description: My recollections of Screech are vague, though I do recall that he enjoys bonsai, much like myself. He grew up and started giving women dirty sanchezs, if you're wondering.
Famous lines: "Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me... well, he had a right to be - I forgot to open the garage door."
What others are saying: "I hope your dad had 'dork' insurance." - Lisa
Bebop and Rocksteady
Description: Bebop and Rocksteady are mutated members of a street gang, so masculine that they actually volunteered. Formerly human, they are now an anthropomorphic warthog and rhinoceros respectively. This animal-esque appearance makes them the fantasy of some 90% of all internet users. One can only imagine the sexual force these two yield. I can picture some finger cuffs action going on, with possible high-fives over the back.
Special move: Incompetence.
Alex J. "RoboCop" Murphy
Description: RoboCop, part man, part machine, all cock. He fights corruption, crime, and drugs. One such drug is Nuke, an addictive substance so destructive that it would have brought down society entirely if it had not been for RoboCop.
What others are saying: "PLEASE PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." - ED-209
Special moves: 1. Serve the public trust 2. Protect the innocent 3. Uphold the law 4. Classified.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Description: I would describe Mr. Kenobi in detail, but I would prefer to let him do the talking.
Famous lines: "You don't want to sell me death sticks. You want to go home and rethink your life." "You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!" "Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious." "These are not the droids you're looking for." "I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced." "That's no moon, it's a space station." "Who's more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows him?" "Use the Force, Luke."
Special move: Jedi mind tricks.
John "Ray" Arnold
Description: John, and sometimes Ray, Arnold is a technological wizard thwarted only by fat men and velociraptors. Even after his body is eaten, his arm is able to console Dr. Ellie Sattler until she discovers his body is gone, at which point she twirls around and screams.
Famous lines: "I can't get Jurassic Park back online without Dennis Nedry."
Battle cries: "Hold onto your butts." "PLEASE! GODAMMIT! I hate this hacker crap!"
Special move: Accessing main program.
Kane
Description: They say he's "the nefarious and seemingly immortal mastermind behind the ancient and secretive Brotherhood of Nod society" and I choose to believe that. He once acted as Stalin's advisor and "he was the true power behind Stalin and used the USSR."
Famous lines: "If I'm cut, do I not bleed?" "He who controls the past commands the future. He who commands the future conquers the past." [Editors note: this guy needs to look up the shit he's trying to quote, at least he's trying I guess.]
Battle cry: "Kane... LIVES!"
Special move: The ability to move his troops into buildings for cover. An innovation never achieved by the great Terrans, Protoss, or Zerg.
Drake "Darkwing Duck" Mallard"
Description: Darkwing Duck is a superhero with a past eerily similar to that of Superman's. He chills with Launchpad McQuack, a pretty awesome dude with a cleft beak.
Famous lines: "Let's get dangerous!"
What others are saying: "When there's trouble you can call D. W."
Special move: I have vague recollections of a gun that looked like a Lego gun I have.
Lydia Deetz
Description: Lydia Deetz was theoretically portrayed by a seventeen year old, so, you know, she's legal. She's also a goth whose pass times include hanging out with dead people and complaining.
Famous lines: "Shake, shake, shake, Senora, shake it all the time. Work, work, work, Senora, work your body line. Work, work, work, Senora, work it all the time."
Special move: Lip syncing and levitating at the same time.
Sigmund Freud
Description: Freudian slip. Oedipal complex. Psychoanalysis. You would not know what these things were if it were not for Freud. If he didn't invent them, he popularized them.
Famous lines: "The only unnatural sexual behavior is none at all."
What others are saying: "He had a sharp vision; no illusions lulled him to sleep except for an often exaggerated faith in his own ideas." - Albert Einstein
Special move: Smoking a "cigar."
Krang
Description: Wikipedia says "Krang is an extremely intelligent warlord from Dimension X." They also describe him as a "supervillain." I don't know how to say it any better than that. Krang resides in an exosuit which resembles a deformed wrestler. It can grow massively into city-destroying proportions. His exosuit is a mere replacement for his former body, and all of Krang's flesh that still exists is actually pure brain. Somehow his brain has tentacle arms.
Famous lines: "I want that robot!"
What others are saying: "Now Krang, you can't have everything you see on TV!" - Shredder
Special move: Tentacle rape, obviously.
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