Shufflingdead > Cock Wars
Get to Know Your Cock Wars 2006 Contestants - Delta Quadrant
Jack "Mr. Box" in the Box
Description: Jack is the CEO of the Jack in the Box, a vast chain of restaurants. Through Jack's impeccable suaveness, the company has endured great controversy, and continues to serve food which I have never eaten.
Special move: E. coli.
Zapp "The Zapper" Brannigan
Description: The Zapper is a brilliant 25 star General and Captain of the starship Nimbus for the Democratic Order of Planets. He has great skills with the ladies, as witnessed by his seduction of the one-eyed Leela. His tactics for seduction vary, though he did use guilt to get Leela, an honorable tactic. Additionally, he runs a website, not an easy task, I assure you.
Famous lines: "Captain's journal. Stardate ... uh ... April 13.2. We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?" "Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men." "Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love, hard and fast."
Battle cry: "You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down."
Special move: Two-handed punch.
Link
Description: Link is the legendary hero of time who rises up from obscurity to conquer the evil Ganon again and again. He is so courageous that the actual Triforce of Courage exists within him. Link is an impeccable lady killer, as he has banged: Zelda, that fish chick, and, most importantly, that red head with the ridiculously nice tits. This red head is so hot that I have been known to utilize her in masturbatory fantasies.
Famous lines: ...
Battle cry: "Hyaaa!"
Special move: Down and B.
Ash Ketchum
Description: Ash is a Pokemon trainer who has traveled the world trying to "catch 'em all." He has successfully earned many Gym badges, beaten Team Rocket countless times, and trained the world's strongest Pikachu. Additionally, Ash's cock is greatly preferred by his underage cohort, Misty, to that of the much older Brock.
Battle cry: "Pikachu, I choose you!"
Special move: Ordering his horde of Pokemon to attack you, one at a time.
Wario
Description: Wario is the brother of Mario, Luigi, and Waluigi. He is mistrusted by the former two, and deeply respected by latter one. His greatness is undeniable, though his goodness is ambiguous. Wario is best known for his love of coins, an understandable infatuation.
Battle cry: "Coins!"
Special move: Stealing.
Cupid
Description: Cupid is the terrifying naked man-child of Valentine's Day. He serves to get people laid by shooting their love interests with poisoned arrows, allowing the pursuer to have their way with their victim undaunted. Cupid has never assisted me in this manner, because the whole world is against me.
Special move: Shooting poisoned arrows of love.
Bill Murray
Description: Bill Murray is the impeccable star of some of the greatest movies of all time. His filmography includes: Ghost Busters, Groundhog Day, The Man Who Knew Too Little, The Royal Tenenbaums, Lost in Translation, and my second favourite movie of all time, Rushmore. Frankly, Bill Murray is just an awesome guy.
What others are saying: "Bill Groundhog-Day, Ghostbustin'-ass Murray!" - GZA
Special move: Acting via standing still.
James Bond
Description: I will allow the lyric's to Placebo's Miss Moneypenny do the talking:
"Every job he saves the girl
martini, mobile phone
bastards getting in his way
they're all pushing daisies
All you need to make a movie is a gun and a girl"
Famous lines: "Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred."
Battle cry: "Bond, James Bond."
Special move: Epic smoothness.
Hermione Granger
Description: Hermione is the female component of the Harry-Ron-Hermione three wheeled combo of pain. Her elite wizarding abilities and astute academic skills make her a vital component of the forces of good.
Famous lines: "No, stop! Stop! Stop! You're going to take someone's eye out. Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviOsa, not LevioSA!"
Special move: Ron seduction.
Reggie "Reginator" Fils-Aime
Description: Reggie is Nintendo of America's Executive Vice President of Sales and Marketing. His marketing skills are chock-full of badassery, and he is a major component of the new, revised, all-ass-kicking, all-the-time-awesomeness of the revitalized Nintendo.
Battle cry: "My name is Reggie. I'm about kicking ass, I'm about taking names, and we're about making games."
Special move: Standing back flip.
The Beast
Description: Beast is a mutant, and member of the X-Men. He possesses unbelievable strength, but also an all encompassing intellect. It is partly his noble will to be both intelligent and physically fit that gives me the confidence to become a more fit human being myself. Beast, you make me want to be a better man.
Special move: Hanging upside down.
Edmund Duke
Description: General Duke serves under Mengsk as an unstoppable tactician, and he pilot's the unsinkable Norad II battlecruiser. When I say unsinkable, I really mean unstoppable, and by unstoppable, I mean stoppable by only an even greater ship, that being anything named Enterprise.
Famous lines: "Y'all need some good ol' fashioned discipline."
Special move: Yamato Cannon.
William T. Riker
Description: Commander Riker is the pimpingest pimp of the 24th century. He could state Brannigan's famous line "I did make it with a hot alien babe" every day, and he would be right, every day. Riker has banged seemingly every woman from every alien species, as well as all human women. His elite beard skills have served him well over a distinguished Star Fleet career. Riker is the first officer aboard the USS Enterprise, serving under the eternally supreme Jean-Luc Picard.
Special move: Two-handed punch.
Gimpy aka "G-Prime"
Description: Wikipedia describes Gimpy as "the über-nerd," probably the most accurate description of Gimpy possible. He is a raging Star Wars fan, stark opponent of leaving his room, brilliant RISK strategist, and huge proponent of the webcam. Gimpy has had an online girlfriend, and successfully fought off unending hordes of Star Trek fans.
Battle cry: "Kamikaze! Kamikaze! Kamikaze!"
Special move: Making fake ID's.
Tidus
Description: Tidus is the most submissive bitch in existence. His sole goal in life is to have everyone and everything dominate him anally. Tidus is capable of having several cinder blocks inserted in his ass without so much as noticing, due to the amount of cock, donkey cock, strap-on, and everything else that have already stretched him out.
E. Honda
Description: E. Honda is a great and beastly sumo wrestler who seeks to prove the legitimacy of sumo wrestling to the world. His fighting skills are unmatched, his greatest move, known as the hundred-hand slap is such a furious move that men have died just looking at it. When they do not die of fright, they force E. Honda to kill them, through trapping them in the corner and then applying hundreds of super fast slaps.
Famous lines: "It's natural for a sumo wrestler to become the world's strongest!"
Battle cry: "Oygotu!" ...or something like that.
Special move: Hundred-hand slap in the corner.
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