Shufflingdead > Cock Wars
Get to Know Your Cock Wars 2006 Contestants - Gamma Quadrant
The Grimace
Description: According to Wikipedia, McDonald's states that "Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald's best friend. He's sure Ronald is the world's ultimate authority on everything." While I am not certain putting absolute trust in a clown is a great indication, The Grimace is an undeniable powerhouse of greatness and cock.
Special move: Purple.
The Shredder
Description: Shredder, a legendary ninja, is the sworn enemy of Splinter. He uses the foot soldiers at his disposal to fight the minions of Splinter, known as the Ninja Turtles. He chills out with some kind of freaky ass floating brain thing called Krang sometimes, too.
Special moves: Claws of doom. Being killed, and then bursting out of his grave to fight again.
Bruce Willis
Description: Bruce is a highly adept contemporary actor. His film credits include The Fifth Element, Die Hard, and Sin City.
Special move: Saving the world.
The Overmind
Description:The Overmind is the controlling will of the Zerg horde. He is a big, slimy, greasy mother fucker, with a will to dominate.
Famous lines: "Awaken my child and embrace the glory that is your birthright. Know that I am The Overmind, the eternal will of the swarm, and that you have been created to serve me."
Battle cry: "Feel the groove, I control the way you move."
Special move: Overwhelming Infested Terran horde.
M. Bison
Description: M. Bison is no mere Street Fighter, but in fact a criminal mastermind and fighting juggernaut. His organization, Shadaloo, has vast power, although in confusing formats. It is certainly a criminal organization, and it may or may not control the entirety of what is commonly referred to as "China."
Famous lines: "You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead you found a GOD!"
Battle cry: "Anyone who opposes me shall be destroyed."
Special move: Flying.
Easter Bunny
Description: The Easter Bunny is, like many of his holiday cohorts, a stealthy fellow who is capable of sneaking into any home undetected. He has lured all children into believing his chocolate treats are safe and tasty, though I suspect he is luring them into a false sense of security as part of a larger scheme to poison all the children of Earth.
Special move: Hiding chocolate.
Juggernaut
Description: Juggernaut, much like M. Bison, is a juggernaut. He is apparently not a mutant, though he tends to chill in the X-Men universe. I can only assume that his dick greatly resembles his head gear in its unstoppable girth.
Special move: Uber strength.
Q (James Bond)
Description: Q is the head of Q branch, which furnishes 00-agents with their obscene gadgetry. While never stated directly, it is highly likely that Q invented the universe itself.
Battle cry: "Don't touch that! That's my lunch."
Special move: He invented you, he can destroy you.
Harry Potter
Description: Harry Potter is the boy who lived. He is the most famous wizard to ever, as he was instrumental in the defeat of the evil Lord Voldemort. Although Voldemort has returned, Harry has thus far done a decent job of keeping him at bay. In his personal life, Harry has managed to pull some quality macking on both Cho Chang and Ginny Weasley. It is undeniable that as more information of Harry is learned, it shall become known that Harry eventually bangs both of them in a raucous threesome.
Famous lines: "Wangoballwime?... Um, I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the ball with me."
Battle cry: "Expecto Patronum!"
Special move: Using his invisibility cloak to sneak into the ladies dormitory.
Steve Jobs
Description: Steve Jobs is the CEO of Apple Computer and now has large sway within the Disney corporation. Jobs is responsible for sexy, overpriced computers, as well as sexy, overpriced mp3 players.
Famous lines: "I want a mouse for $10 that can be mass-produced, because it’s going to be the primary interface of the computer of the future."
Battle cry: "Mac OS X Tiger will come out long before Longhorn."
Sephiroth
Description: I know fuck all about Sephiroth, and he's so lacking in cock I'm not even going to bother to investigate. Sephiroth's phallus extends negatively, and actually forms an orifice into his body which can be penetrated and fucked.
Luigi
Description: Luigi is the abused sidekick and brother of Mario. He is essentially a taller, skinnier replica of Mario who wears green, yet somehow fails completely at most aspects of life. It is speculated that he was born only to make Mario look better. Luigi is occasionally tasked with rescuing Mario, however he tends to do this in tedious and boring ways, such as with a vacuum, or by wandering through some kind of boring ass shit towns whilst "Mario is missing."
Special move: An inferiority complex.
James Tiberius Kirk
Description: The captain of the USS Enterprise during its history five year mission, James Tiberius Kirk is perhaps the most important figure in all Federation history. Kirk is a leader of men, a chronic fucker of women, a galactic badass who follows the prime directive only when it suites him. Kirk is a time traveling, marshmellon eating, saviour of the galaxy. Kirk kicks unabridged ass in every situation, whether from the bridge of the Enterprise, or face to face with his enemies. Memory Alpha states: "Kirk's command style frequently brought him in close proximity to his enemies, often resulting in hand-to-hand combat. His idiosyncratic martial-arts style used hand-chops to the neck, wrestling throws, round-house punches, two-fisted swings and open-hand slaps in varying combinations. A variety of enemy guards and henchmen were overwhelmed by one or two of Kirk's blows."
Famous lines: "Well double dumb ass on you!"
Battle cries: "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!"
Special move: Two handed punch.
Mr. Burns
Description: Mr. Burns is the nefarious owner of a nuclear power plant, and is the richest, oldest man in Springfield. Mr. Burns has managed a seemingly endless display of dastardly deeds, including blocking out the sun and scraping the ocean floor bare.
Battle cry: "Excellent."
Princess Zelda
Description: Zelda is the Princess of Hyrule, and possesses the triforce of wisdom within her. As a youth, Zelda has some quality, albeit boxy, tits, she grows up to be a make-up coated possessor of even finer tits. Zelda has a penchant for being kidnapped, though is a capable caster of magic, and has some skill with a bow.
Famous lines: "The flow of time is always cruel... its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it... A thing that does not change with time is a memory of younger days..."
Doctor Emmett "Doc" Brown
Description: Doc Brown is the scientist responsible for turning a DeLorean into a time machine thanks to his brilliant invention of the flux capacitor, which is what makes time travel possible.
Famous lines: "If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit."
Battle cry: "1.21 GIGAWATTS?! 1.21 gigawatts! Great Scott!"
Special move: Going back to the future.
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