Shufflingdead > Cock Wars
Get to Know Your Cock Wars 2007 Contestants - Gamma Quadrant
Cap'n Crunch
Description: Oh captain, my Cap'n Crunch battles the forces of sogginess in order to cut the mouth roofs of children everywhere. He keeps his eyebrows on his hat, as all good cartoon seamen do. Somewhere between now and the year 3000 he will be promoted to admiral, proving his immortality.
Special move: Giving toy whistles to potential hackers, inspiring them to get free phone calls. These hackers probably hang out with Steve Jobs and Woz.
Carlton Banks
Description: Carlton Banks is the staunchly Republican frenemy of Will Smith. His favourite musician is Tom Jones and his favourite actor is god and creator of the universe, William Shatner.
Famous lines: "How's it going there Will?"
Special move: Carlton dance.
Sauron "The Necromancer"
Description: Sauron is a Maia, who, without physical form, managed to build a mighty empire of Orcs and other more ghastly creatures, threatening the whole of Middle Earth. His strength is so great that only by throwing his Ring of Power into the fires of Mount Doom can he be defeated.
Famous lines: "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul." Translated as: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."
What others are saying: "My master Sauron bids thee welcome." - Mouth Of Sauron "In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. And into this Ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life." - Narrator
Special moves: Tricking Elves into making some rings to manipulate and control the races of Middle Earth. Losing the most powerful ring to a green dude with a speech impediment.
Léon the Professional
Description: Léon is a detached and emotionless killer who shows sexism and compassion by not going after women or children. Much like Korben Dallas and The Transporter, Léon's steely facade is melted when he meets a seemingly innocent, but ultimately remarkable young woman. Natalie Portman found him attractive, but it might not count because she was 12 at the time.
Famous lines: When asked "Is life always this hard, or is it just when you're a kid?" He responds "Always like this."
Special move: Shooting while hanging upside down.
Geno
Description: Geno is a doll, possessed by a Star agent sent to recover the Star Peices. His real name is not only unpronounceable, but also untypable in a Notepad document. His role in Mario's Legend of the Seven Stars is integral, as he is the only character who does decent magic damage. Actually, he does more than decent damage, and single-handedly breaks the game and makes it incredibly easy.
Famous lines: "I serve... a higher authority..."
Special move: Geno Flash.
Lieutenant Commander Data
Description: Data is a Soong type android who serves as operations manager, chief science officer, and second officer under Captain Jean-Luc Picard aboard the USS Enterprise. He is fully functional, in every way of course. He has been intimate with a broad range of women, including Tasha Yar and the Borg Queen. The fact that he is an android, incapable of emotion, is his primary draw for women, as they have been taught through a gendering process to find emotionless men attractive. This is proven when the altogether more emotional and human Geordi LaForge fails repeatedly and utterly with women. That a fake man has no problem fucking real women while a real man is forced to fuck fake women should be pondered with a heavy heart by all women of the world, hopefully it will inspire them to cast off the yoke of gender oppression and have sex with the Geordi LaForge's of their lives. Data has a large family, two brothers, one maniacal and one dim-witted, and a short-lived daughter. He was built by Dr. Noonien Soong, considered to be Data's father, who descends from Arik Soong of the 22nd century.
Famous lines: "Blown, sir." "Oh, shit!"
Battle cry: "Lock and load."
What others are saying: "I don't see no points on your ears, boy, but you sound like a Vulcan!" - Leonard McCoy
Special move: Two-handed punch.
Dr. Ian Malcolm
Description: Dr. Malcolm is a brilliant chaotician who is suckered into visiting John Hammond's Jurassic Park. Somehow, his extreme brilliance doesn't stop him from getting killed by dinosaurs, getting brought back to life, and then hanging out with dinosaurs again.
Famous lines: "The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me." "She's... ah... tenacious." "No, I'm simply saying that life, uh... finds a way." "Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." "But, John. But if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists."
Special move: Getting more screen time by saying "uh."
Hack and Slash
Description: Hack and Slash are Megabyte's ruthless henchmen. They are extremely resilient, capable of being blown apart over and over without ever being destroyed. Their mental capabilities are reserved for finishing each other's sentences.
Special move: Jet-pack flying.
Wednesday Friday Addams
Description: Wednesday is the gothic, morbid, murderous, deadpan daughter of Gomez and Morticia Addams. Her primary hobby is trying to murder her overweight brother.
Famous lines: "Pugsley, sit in the chair... because we're going to play a game... it's called, 'Is There a God?'"
Special move: Strapping you into an electric chair.
Bender Bending Rodríguez
Description: Bender is an alcoholic, thieving, gambling, lying, cheating, suicidal, egomaniacal, smoking, robo-slut seducing bending unit. He seeks to kill all humans.
Famous lines: "Chump." "Chumpette." "Yours." "Up." "Pimpmobile." "Bite." "My." "Shiny." "Daffodil." "Ass."
Battle cry: "Bite my shiny metal ass!"
What others are saying: "Remember me." - A giant statue built in Bender's honour.
Special move: Kleptomania.
Polar Kraken
Description: Polar Kraken is an 11/11 trampling, cumulative upkeeping, iceberg swallowing son of a bitch. It eats islands on your upkeep, that's how big it is.
What others are saying: "It was big. Really, really, big. No, bigger than that. It was big!" -Arna Kennerud, Skyknight
Special move: Comes into play tapped.
Scrooge McDuck
Description: Scrooge McDuck is an incredibly wealthy cheap bastard. His estimated net worth is one multiplujillion, nine obsquatumatillion, six hundred twenty-three dollars and sixty-two cents. One might think the gold in Scrooge's Money Bin is the majority of his wealthy, but that is only the money he has earned personally, and most of his financial holdings are invested elsewhere.
Famous lines: "I can't go on like this - losing a billion dollars a minute! I'll be broke in 600 years!"
Special move: Withstanding the agony of swimming through gold coins.
The Brain
Description: The Brain is the pre-eminent mastermind of micekind. When famed author Douglas Adams claims that mice are the smartest creatures on Earth, he is actually citing the average IQ of all mice, including The Brain's. All other mice are quite daft, but Brain alone brings the average far above that of humans and dolphins.
Famous lines: "Come Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night" To which Pinky responds "Gee, Brain, what are we doing tomorrow night?" and Brain answers "The same thing we do every night, Pinky — Try to take over the world!"
What others are saying: "[His voice is] 65% Orson Welles, 35% Vincent Price". - LaMarche
Sir Winston Churchill
Description: Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II and was voted Greatest Briton of all time.
Famous lines: When Lady Nancy Astor said to him "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." He responded "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it." When Bessie Braddock told him "Sir, you are drunk." He responded "And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober." "From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an iron curtain has descended across the Continent."
Battle cry: "We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."
Special move: Wearing a hat and a cane.
Bob Barker
Description: Bob Barker is the host of The Price is Right, still going strong after nearly 35 years of service. Despite his extreme old age of 83, he is still better at all of the Price is Right games than any of the moron contestants on the show.
Famous lines: "Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered. Good-bye, everybody!"
Battle cry: "Here is the first item up for bids today."
Special moves: Punching Happy Gilmore. Putting in the mini-golf game.
Jack Bauer
Description: Sometimes, a man just doesn't feel like researching a character he has no prior knowledge of. I am that man. I am Jack's colon. I am Jack's smirking revenge. I am Jack's cold sweat. I am Jack's raging bile duct. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. I am Jack's wasted life. I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection. I am Jack's broken heart.
Famous lines: "I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life."
Special move: Having a hot daughter.
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