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Shufflingdead > Archives
August 31, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Should I Try to Find Everything in Ocarina of Time?
Should I try to find everything in Ocarina of Time?
| Pros |
Cons |
-I've never done it before
-my honour as a Zelda fanatic is tarnished without this accomplishment
-just think how easy it'll be to defeat Ganon with all those hearts
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-there are 100 gold Skulltulas, 100!
-my honour as a human being would be tarnished with this accomplishment
-seriously, I'm pretty sure there's more to life
-there... is more to life than this, right?
-I'll never be able to beat that runner, and it will likely eat away at me even more, so much so that I will wither and die
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August 30, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Andy Dick
The Shameful Human of the Week is Andy Dick. He's supposedly a comedian, though a more accurate description would be an obnoxious, drug crazy, deranged idiot.
My hatred originates from his guest appearance on The Surreal Life a couple years ago. He pretty much groped the hell out of some girl, who not only put up with it, but appeared to like it, just because it was "oh my god, Andy Dick!" I think they walked away together after a few minutes, so I have to assume he banged the chick, which is just un-fucking-believable.
More recently, I saw him in some clips from the William Shatner Comedy Central Roast. The guy did virtually nothing but try to lick celebrity's faces, apparently this is what he considers to be funny, or perhaps this is what he considers to be funny while he's on cocaine, which he apparently always is. Backstage at the roast, he reportedly also groped, bit, and offered cocaine to a journalist.
Dick had a role in an episode of Voyager, which makes his shame all the more infuriating, as he is yet another celebrity whose connection to Star Trek defiles the franchise.
August 28, 2006 - Newbs - Planet of the Week - Mercury
The Planet of the Week is Mercury. Mercury recently became the smallest of the now eight planets in the Sol system. It can be seen above utterly dwarfed by the nearby sun. In Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury is the greatest and hottest of the Sailor Scouts due to her super hyper omega genius.
August 28, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Celebrities - Lewis Black
Dear Lewis Black,
You're loud, you're angry, you're political, and you're crazy. All this together makes for an heroic package. I don't know much about your work besides your "Back in Black" segment on The Daily Show, but that's all I really need.
Your ranting is brilliance. I have ranted often, commonly about my hatred for humanity, especially in reference to females and also males. Still, my ranting never seems to reach the same fever pitch as your ranting, and it is rarely so poignant or funny.
I know you have a part in the new movie "Accepted," and your presence makes me want to see the movie, even though I would have absolutely no interest otherwise.
Angrily yours,
Newbs
August 28, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Fisticuffs
For your immeasurable amusement, I bring you fisticuffs as the Word of the Week. Technically it refers to a form of bare knuckle boxing, though you can generally get away with using it to refer to any kind of fight or one-on-one brawl.
Fisticuffs is such a great word because you can use it to challenge someone to a fight and still sound like a nerd.
August 25, 2006 - Newbs - Comics - Final Battle, Part 1
Full Article >>
August 24, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Should I Do Any Work Tonight?
Should I do any work tonight?
| Pros |
Cons |
-I won't feel horribly guilty
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-could cut into my DS9 time
-could cut into my stupid internet video time
-the extra finger exercise may cause slight fatigue
-fuck it, that's enough work already, I'm done writing
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August 23, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Glenn Beck
The Shameful Human of the Week is Glenn Beck, yeah, another CNN personality, another shrill, obnoxious, hyper conservative sensationalist. Beck's show on CNN Headline News isn't so much news or even opinion really, it's more like a clusterfuck of ranting, circle jerks with guests, and vague attempts at stale comedy through unprofessional short animations.
What's especially infuriating about Beck though, is ever since this thing between Israel and Hezbollah started, he's been convinced (or at least, he pretends to be convinced for the sake of ratings) that this is the beginning of World War III. I'll admit, the Middle East has, perhaps, looked a little more precarious than usual. I also understand that there was a brief window where many conservatives in the media were hyping this "World War III" thing, but Beck hasn't been able to let it go. Even now that there is a cease fire agreement in place, he's still convinced that not just war, but perhaps even the end of civilization, is coming.
Mr. Beck needs to realize that "World War" is not a rank applied to certain wars just because they end up involving a lot of countries. The names of wars evolve over time once the nature of the conflict has become obvious; history writes the names of war. I should also note that the chance of something that could possibly be labeled a "World War" breaking out in the near future is extremely fucking unlikely. There is conflict, war, terrorist activity, and dictatorial posturing every year, and that lumping them all together to prove some sign of the apocalypse is nothing more than evidence of the furthering slide of journalistic integrity.
August 22, 2006 - Newbs - Screwy Stuff
I'm trying to get Chapter 1: Womankind of Screwy finished by the end of summer so that I can take a nice long break from doing comics. As such, today I present you with the following two comics, both of which were previously released, but needed a little George Lucasing to make sense in the timeline. They directly follow Reconciliation, posted Friday.
I Blame Humanity
The Game
August 21, 2006 - Newbs - Planet of the Week - Jupiter
The planet of the week is Jupiter. Above, Jupiter can be seen smashing that pussy Neptune. You may also note that Jupiter is seen here with its Great Red Spot, planetary ring, and four Galilean moons. I have no idea if all of these things go around the planet at the same angle or direction, but I took the artistic root.
Jupiter is well known for being the largest planet in the Solar System. Sadly, it would not last long in a fight against most stars or even against some planets discovered in other Solar systems.
August 13, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Celebrities - Jeri Ryan
Dear Jeri Ryan,
You played Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager. The role was preposterous, you had to wear the most absurdly tight costume of all time and yet act like you were dressed at about the same level of business casual as everybody else.
In my opinion, the costume was so over the top, it would have been far hotter if you had worn the proper Starfleet uniform. This actually ties into a fantasy I've been kicking around that I thought you might be curious to hear. It directly involves me, role playing a strong and perpetually angry Starfleet captain, disciplining a shy, confused ensign. This would of course escalate into a wild sexual romp, where I teach the ensign how to, as Cartman would say, "respect my authority." This doesn't necessarily involve you of course; I just thought you might be interested to hear about it.
Anyway, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I know you got divorced awhile ago, must be tough. I myself have never been divorced, I'm not married either. Actually, I've been pretty single most of my life. Have you ever considered hooking up with a Trekkie? Not necessarily me, again, but you know, like a big raging nerd. I think that would really give hope to us all.
Efficiently yours,
Newbs
ps. The Last Man was awesome.
August 19, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Nanoprobes
The word of the week is nanoprobes. With these bad boys, all your dreams can come true, and all medical problems can be solved. Yes, just suck a few harmless Borg nanoprobes from Seven of Nine, she won't mind, and shoot up to cure what ails you.
Just make sure that it is Seven of Nine that you're borrowing these from, because if some nerd with a computer growing out of his face tries injecting you with them, well, you're pretty much going to be growing a computer out of your face pretty soon too. Be careful where you leave nanoprobes, because they've been known to take over holo projection units and spawn men from the future as well.
August 18, 2006 - Newbs - Comics - Reconciliation
Full Article >>
August 17, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Janeway’s Easy Route Pro-Con List
This week's pro-con list is Janeway’s "Should I Take This Easy Route Back to the Alpha Quadrant?" Pro-Con list.
| Pros |
Cons |
-stop Tom Paris from spreading space AIDS to all these Delta quadrant alien sluts
-get back to my boyfriend, though I suspect the writers will forget he exists by the last season
-replace my conveniently killed doctor
-ditch these Maquis bastards, last night Chakotay tried drawing some hippie bullshit on my forehead
-forcefully "study" Seven of Nine in a laboratory
-I'll get to be an admiral
-explaining how I used a tertiary tachyon beam to create an adjunct wormhole in the unimatrix warp nacelle of some Borg nanoprobes to get us home will land me some sweet screen time
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-somebody might promote Harry Kim
-I might accidentally disturb some inert gas sitting between the ship and the convenient route home, thus ruining the potential habitat of some yet to exist organism
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August 16, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Rick Berman
This week's shameful human was a difficult decision. I knew it had to be either Brannon Braga or Rick Berman, because I knew they both had ties to making Star Trek: Voyager as bad as it was. And although Braga may be responsible for writing one of the all time worst episodes of Star Trek, that being Voyager's "Unimatrix Zero," which happened to utterly destroy virtually all of the coolness factor of the Borg, I have to ultimately choose Berman. There are really two reasons for this decision. Firstly, Berman was an executive producer of the show for its entire run, and secondly, I need to save Braga for Enterprise week. I don't know if Berman is responsible for all the ways that Voyager failed, but I need a scapegoat.
Let's face it; Voyager was a shitty show, really shitty. I'm a fan, I'll admit it, because I'm a sucker for cheesy terribleness, and also because I'm a sucker for Star Trek, but the show was bad. It would be impossible to sum up all the ways that Voyager was a terrible show in the short amount of space that I have, but I'll try to list some of the major issues.
- the technobabble in Voyager is overwhelming, even compared to other Star Trek series
- Janeway is well acted but, frankly, an idiot who cares more about hippie ideals than reality and the safety of her crew
- Seven of Nine is just a ludicrous character in every respect, I don't care how hot she was
- most of the other characters were either boring or under-developed, notably: Chakotay, Harry Kim, and Kes
- the show could have easily been good if the writing hadn't been so lazy and the overarching storyline had been more closely followed
- the Borg became steadily more pussified every time they showed up on the show, to the point that by the episode "Unimatrix Zero," assimilation wasn't even a problem for its victims
- come on! the ship was supposed to have limited torpedoes and shuttles, so where the fuck did all the extra ones come from? oh I know, from the gaping assholes of lazy writers!
August 15, 2006 - Newbs - Articles - Time's 50 Coolest Websites 2006: Part 1
Every year, Time magazine, or maybe it's Time.com, I can't really tell, puts together a list of the "50 coolest websites." This year, being the first year I've noticed, has filled me with great annoyance as the selections are largely illogical and commonly unheard of. My research thus far leads me to believe that the list is only put together so that Time has an excuse to use words like "blog," "vlog," and "web 2.0." I endeavor to dissect this list for my writing pleasure and your reading pleasure.
Full Article >>
August 14, 2006 - Newbs - Planet of the Week - Mars
The planet of the week is Mars, seen here being molested by "Ares IV." Ares IV is a fictional spacecraft piloted by Jackie Chiles from Seinfeld in the episode of Voyager called "One Small Step."
Mars is the fourth planet from the sun, significantly smaller than Earth, pretty damn red in colour, and the central planet in a lot of terrible science fiction.
August 13, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Celebrities - Perrin Kaplan
Dear Perrin Kaplan,
You may be wondering why I'm writing to you. You assume I only write to hot musician chicks and glorious old guys. Well, the thing is, I kind of consider you a hot chick. I know, I know, you're too old for me, and you probably have some kind of family. Well, the thing is, you have an important job at Nintendo, and that's pretty goddamn arousing. I should also point out that you have a very decent rack, a feature I value highly.
I think your roundabout PR-speak filled answers to IGN's "Nintendo Minute" questions are hilarious, because in the obsessive Nintendo fanboy life that I lead, they seem like campy "haha, oh Perrin" moments. I also enjoy your strange and often flirty relationship with IGN's Matt Casamassina. Just don't get too close or I may become jealous.
I was wondering, would it be possible for you and Reggie Fils-Aime to come by my place some time? I'm thinking we could hang out, play some Mario Kart, maybe go bowling. Afterwards we could talk about giving me total control of Nintendo so that I may lead the company to unimaginable profit and success. If you're looking for somewhere to crash afterwards, there's plenty of room at my place.
Waiting for all the answers you've promised closer to launch,
Newbs
August 12, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Cunt
The word of the week is cunt. That's right, plain, simple, ever satisfying cunt. The reason it's such a worthy word is because it seems to be the last word, aside from racial slurs, which can honestly bother someone. I'm not afraid to shout "fuck" in public, but shouting "cunt" comes with a slightly raised health warning.
If you want to refer to the female genitalia in an angry fashion, you use the word cunt. If you want to insult a guy a little bit, you call him a cunt. If you want to insult a woman a lot, you call her a cunt.
August 11, 2006 - Newbs - Comics - Another Revival
Full Article >>
August 10, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Kool-Aid Man's "Should I Promote Kool Aid Today?" Pro-Con List
This week's pro-con list is the Kool-Aid Man's "Should I Promote Kool Aid Today?" Pro-Con list.
| Pros |
Cons |
-breaking through walls is fun
-not getting fired
-would help out my profit sharing
-allows chance to bang the dumb kid's hot moms
-I can't let The King get all the chicks
-I'll be able to make my child support payments this week
-I need roofie money for the hot moms next week
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-I'm made of probably 90% Kool-Aid, if sugar-crazed, snot-nosed kids drink too much Kool-Aid, I will perish
-if I say that goddamn catch phrase one more time I will be likely to take out my hatred of mankind on the kids
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August 9, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Seth MacFarlane
The Shameful Human of the Week is Seth MacFarlane, creator of perhaps the most overrated tv show of all time, Family Guy. One ever-present feature of my life has been my willingness to watch mediocre tv. Quite awhile ago I started watching Family Guy reruns because they fell in the same programming blocks on a couple different channels as The Simpsons, South Park, and Futurama. This was after the show had been cancelled, but before it had been brought back.
I considered the show passable, a decent way to spend time waiting for one of the shows listed above to come on. Despite the boring jokes and forced randomness, the show provided enough offensive "I can't believe they did that" moments and interesting story lines to keep me from changing channels.
A few nights ago, however, I watched one of the new episodes, it was unbearable. The plot line was so thin that it seemed half the show was dedicated to Family Guy's over used "like that one time" flashbacks just to stretch the episode across the required 22 minutes. All of the show's short comings are now more glaring than ever, the boring jokes feel more forced than ever, the randomness is somehow even more forced, and even the once solid offensiveness is, yes, forced and unfunny.
MacFarlane is shameful because he's gotten lucky with this completely unworthy show, and takes up time and resources which should have long ago gone toward a return of the ever-amazing Futurama. My disappointment has been furthered as I have just discovered MacFarlane has made small appearances on Star Trek: Enterprise, Gilmore girls, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force, the third being a great show, and the first two being my favourite tv shows of all time. A bitter taint shall forever lie over the episodes featuring this man, now that I know.
August 7, 2006 - Newbs - Planet of the Week - Earth
The inaugural Planet of the Week is Earth. In this image it can be seen devouring the smaller planet, Mars. This image may also symbolize the way in which I hope humans one day terraform and colonize Mars, then devour its resources.
Earth is my home planet. It contains the only known life in the universe, not to mention the only "intelligent" life known to exist. From the planet Earth springs humanity, a bipedal species bent on fucking with everybody else’s shit. Humanity is widely blamed for inhibiting me from getting laid.
August 6, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Celebrities - Richard Attenborough
Dear Richard Attenborough,
To put it simply, you're a living legend. My first encounter with your work was Jurassic Park, the film instantly became my favourite film as a kid, and your portrayal of John Hammond was the linchpin for my infatuation.
I have long considered John Hammond to be my idol, and, if medical science fails me and dooms me to aging, I hope to adopt the Hammond persona in my old age. Most vital to this would be the white clothes, the beard, and especially the cane.
I have seen some of your other work as well, Mr. Attenborough. Your appearance in the remake of Miracle on 34th Street automatically made it a superior film to the original. I should also mention, I thought you were great in The Great Escape.
Spared No Expense,
Newbs
August 5, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Ballistics
The word of the week is ballistics. Ballistics is a great word because it can be used to talk about both explosives and female body parts. Additionally, the fact that the first four letters are "ball" means that it can be used in many fine play-on-words situations, such as in the SNES classic Metal Warriors, where a ball-shaped mech is called "ballistic."
In Resident Evil 4, the President of the United States' 18 year old daughter has a pretty quality rack, and when one of the other characters sees her, he remarks "I see the President has equipped his daughter with ballistics too!" Now, the Resident Evil games are zombie games, and it is widely understood that Jurassic Park 4 should be a zombie movie; I can therefore conclude that Jurassic Park 4 should contain the word "ballistics."
August 3, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Should Jurassic Park 4 Be a Zombie Movie?
Should Jurassic Park 4 be a zombie movie?
| Pros |
Cons |
-I already know it would be scary because I had a dream about it and it was awesome
-would be a hell of a lot better than that vile script for JP4 that's circulated the internet
-might redeem Jurassic Park 2 and 3 by having all the bad characters attacked by zombie dinosaurs and subsequently becoming zombies themselves
-zombie dinosaurs? come on, that's fucking awesome
-Jurassic Park already has the perfect zombie motif, run down science labs and bunkers are just about the coolest fucking things in the world
-John Hammond and Ian Malcolm are galactic pimps
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-there are no cons, this has to happen
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August 2, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Fidel Castro
This week, Fidel Castro handed temporary control of Cuba over to his brother while he paid visit to a hospital. Everyone knows that Castro is old as hell, and there has long been speculation as to what would happen to Cuba upon his death. Even if Castro were to die in the near future, his brother is not much younger than he is, and once they are both gone I have little doubt that the country of Cuba will either struggle on under its communist rule, or face violent and catastrophic upheaval. In either case, the Cuban people suffer.
Castro has outlived many American Presidents, Soviet Premiers, and actually the Soviet Union and to a large degree communism itself. What I realized this week is that Castro isn't just old, he's a fucking dinosaur. He's a face from the Cold War, a bygon era. What makes him Shameful Human of the Week material is that he's had all of this time, with very stable rule, to do something about the quality of life in Cuba. Perhaps rules were loosened on the free market after the collapse of the Soviet Union, and perhaps Cuba deserves the same sort of allowances given to China from the United States, but no real change has come, and the blame rests with Fidel Castro.
I'm not exactly a fan of American imperialism myself, but because of its size and proximity to the United States, it seems inevitable that Cuba will become an American protectorate or even state eventually. Castro has had decades to suck up to the United States and make this happen. I know, it's counter intuitive to that whole thing about keeping power, but it's been obvious for a long time that Cuban communism is going nowhere. Castro's reign is now too close to ending for him to do anything significant, and his country is likely doomed to chaos, or at least continued mediocrity, because of it.
By the way, Cuba is near Costa Rica, and in the fictional franchise Jurassic Park, wealthy entrepreneur John Hammond leases a couple of islands from Costa Rica to build a dinosaur park. Just so you know.
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