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Shufflingdead > Archives
July 31, 2006 - Newbs - Prehistoric Organism of the Week - Mammoth
Choosing the Mammoth, or "Wooly Mammoth" as they are called, for Jurassic Park Week may not at first seem very logical since the books and films featured only Dinosaurs. The reason is that Jurassic Park demonstrates just how awesome it would be to throw a bunch of genetically engineered creatures on an island and let them tear the place apart.
You see, Mammoth DNA is much more readily available than Dinosaur DNA (which is to say that it's available at all), and the cloning of such a creature, at least in my not so biologically educated mind, is possible. This makes the Mammoth an obvious candidate for an island born of my evil genetic machinations. Additional creatures would likely have to be abominations of currently existing creatures originating from the imaginations of the geneticists. Again, without knowing anything about biology, I have to guess that "finding" Dinosaur DNA through manipulating the DNA of other creatures and then guessing and checking the final product is impossible. Still, I will be sorely disappointed if I never see a living Dinosaur with my own eyes, and Mammoth cloning could be an exciting appetizer for that eventuality.
July 30, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Celebrities - Kevin Smith
Dear Kevin Smith,
You play Silent Bob, who is said to be the character of Jay's "hetero life-mate." Well Kevin, you are my hetero film director hero. Long have I marveled at your ability to make Clerks, perhaps one of the best movies ever, on such a tiny budget. I have enjoyed all of your movies that I've seen (I haven't seen Jersey Girl) and I have liked them all. This is particularly true of Clerks II, which I think has quickly become my second favourite Kevin Smith film, behind only Clerks itself. I also find Clerks: The Animated Series to be straight up awesome.
Sometimes I see guys who, whether intentionally or not, look a hell of a lot like Silent Bob. Does this scare the hell out of you or what, especially considering how much you look like him as it is? I mean, I think it'd be awesome if my readers started dressing like me and worshipping me, and for awhile I bet even stalkers would be fun. Still, I can imagine that getting old after awhile, and if everybody dressed like me it just wouldn't be the Newbs' style anymore.
Sincerely,
Newbs
July 29, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Delicious
The word of the week is delicious. Delicious is an exceptional word because it can be said in different volumes and accents to mean completely different things. If the word is shouted and followed by the word "victory," it makes for an excellent exclamation after achieving victory in Mario Kart. If the word is whispered in a really bad English or French accent, it can be a great describing word for a woman or any of her body parts.
Traditionally, delicious has been used to describe food, and this is where it really shows its flexibility as a word. For example, a person could say "this cake is--delicious," to offer both a compliment to the chef, and an entertaining piece of dialogue.
July 28, 2006 - Newbs - Comics - Caught!
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July 27, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Learning How to Ride a Bike
Should I learn how to ride a bike?
| Pros |
Cons |
-extend my impressive list of skills to enhance my attractiveness to the ladies
-expanded mobility would be convenient
-could rent movies on a whim
-could get to the mall in decent time for video game buying
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-could be seen as a sign of weakness, giving into the collective "man"
-expanded mobility could cause me to spend more money, thus supporting the corporate machine which forces me to work for a living
-spending more money means I will have to work more
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July 26, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Lou Dobbs
I have a vague and distant memory of Lou Dobbs hosting an entertaining financial news show. Those memories feel like they come from another dimension at this point, because all I see of Lou Dobbs now is his current show, "Lou Dobbs Tonight," on which he rants about his super right wing, protectionist ideals and contempt for immigrants.
Dobbs, supposedly a knowledgeable economist, seems to lack any understanding of what immigrant work and trade with China mean for the American economy. His opinions seem to come from sheer hatred for other countries and cultures rather than rational thought.
What is particularly frustrating about Lou Dobbs Tonight is that it is yet another program on CNN which masquerades as a news and opinion show, but offers a completely slanted view of everything, and removes any value that those opinions might actually have. Dobbs simply brings in guests who do not support his points of view, and then lashes out and attacks them throughout the course of his show, or he brings in people who agree with him and they circle jerk throughout the course of the show. He hammers away at the same topics night after night, ranting unrelentingly about his hyper conservative points of view at anyone who fails to see through his maniacal protectionist scheming.
July 25, 2006 - Newbs - Blogs - The Return
Well, wouldn’t you know it, tonight shufflingdead.com goes without an article. The excuses for this are many, and they are all terrible.
What I can say is this, shufflingnerds.com is officially relaunched as of right now.
July 24, 2006 - Newbs - Prehistoric Organism of the Week - Hylaeosaurus
Hylaeosaurus was an indomitable tank of self defense. With spikes running along the top and sides of its body, Hylaeosaurus was probably not a fun target for its Cretaceous predators.
As an herbivore, Hylaeosaurus was probably a pretty friendly guy. Still, his tough exterior meant that other Dinosaurs were afraid of him and didn't want to hang out with him. Plus, as everybody knows, the cool Dinosaurs were all bad-ass carnivores, likely resulting in Hylaeosaurus not having many girlfriends.
July 23, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Celebrities - Alexis Bledel
Dear Alexis Bledel,
Oh Alexis, first I became most addicted to your show Gilmore girls, and then I saw you in the vastly awesome Sin City. As if all that wasn't enough, I recently discovered that you even have a bit part in my all time second favourite movie, Rushmore.
Of course it's only partly your work that makes you so hot; it's mostly that shy voice and sweet sweet body of yours. Since Evanescence's Amy Lee never responded to my request to wear glasses and let me cum on her face, I must ask of you a similar favour. I saw in a quick little amateur porn clip a while ago a guy railing this chick from behind and while doing so, she kind of gets up and raps her arms around his neck, bending her back in a pretty miraculous fashion. I was just curious if you might like to try such an exercise with me?
Yours Truly,
Newbs
July 22, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Yen
This week's word of the week is yen. Sure, Yen is the Japanese currency, but that's not what I'm talking about here. Actually, yen also means to have a strong urge or desire. As an example, one might say "I yen to earn much Yen."
I first heard the word yen watching episode 1x03 "Kill Me Now" of Gilmore girls. Rory was forced to take a sport at school, and so she chose to have her grandfather teach her how to golf. During their game, Rory mentioned having a yen for travel, specifically to visit the city of Fez.
July 21, 2006 - Newbs - Comics - Betrayal
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July 20, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Rory Gilmore's "Should I Go to Yale?" Pro-Con List
This week's pro-con list just so happens to be Rory Gilmore's "Should I Go to Yale?" pro-con list.
| Pros |
Cons |
-could meet some rich guy to pound my ass
-Paris, my heterosexual life mate, will be there
-stay close enough to Dean to ruin his life
-bring great joy to my grandparents, thus spiting my speed addicted mother
-keep me close enough to the other characters that they don't have to cancel the show
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-would extend the series so long that the writers could run out of ideas, resulting in Lane getting married and Luke getting a kid
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July 19, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Nancy Grace
This week's Shameful Human is Nancy Grace, host of CNN Headline News' "Nancy Grace." Grace's show is a disgrace to journalism and journalistic integrity. Every time I have ever seen Grace's show, she has been screaming her opinion on the latest missing white blonde girl or celebrity trial. According to Nancy, seemingly all celebrities are guilty of whatever crime they happen to be accused of, and all missing white girls are the epitome of perfect, innocent, and wholesome goodness. Nancy's tendency to scream these opinions into the camera displays her total disregard for objective and impartial journalism. This is not to mention that neither of these topics is ever, in any way, relevant to the state of the world, or what I like to call "actual news."
Grace brings shame to Christiane Amanpour, who is a personal hero of both me and Rory Gilmore. Amanpour is CNN's chief international correspondent, and is a model for journalistic integrity and quality reporting. She focuses on the most relevant and engaging news events of our time, and has traveled to many of the most dangerous places on the planet for her job. The fact that Grace shares gender, employer, and species with Amanpour is a disturbing and disappointing reality.
July 18, 2006 - Newbs - Articles - Gilmore girls: An Insight Into the Female Mind
Gilmore girls is an incredibly realistic show. Sure, they talk faster and eat more than is physically possible, and the town of Stars Hollow is an impossible mix of entertaining characters, but Rory and Lorelai Gilmore make perhaps the only realistic choices in mate selection of all females in all of entertainment. Before I continue, I should point out that I have seen only seasons one through five, and while I'm sure season six exhibits much of the same infuriating reality, I cannot comment on it at this time.
Full Article >>
July 17, 2006 - Newbs - Prehistoric Organism of the Week - Tyrannosaurus Rex
Tyrannosaurus Rex, the so called "tyrant lizard," could truly fuck some shit up. According to my sources, this beastly Dinosaur was up to 13 metres long, weighed 4 to 8 tons, and "was one of the largest land carnivores of all time." In the film scholars widely believe to be the greatest of all time, Jurassic Park, Tyrannosaurus Rex can be seen devouring a lawyer and subsequently chasing a jeep, much to the dismay of the jeep's passengers.
Of course, despite all of my desperate hoping, Dinosaurs and humans have never actually co-existed, which may lead some to wonder why the Dinosaur pictured above can be seen devouring a human. In fact, the image of the "Rex," which I have simulated for you doubles as a symbolic representation of Rory Gilmore devouring poor Dean as she annihilates his life by first refusing to say "I love you," thus ending their relationship, then getting back together with him only to leave him again for Jess, only to get together with him once more just long enough to end his marriage and leave him for yet another guy.
July 16, 2006 - Newbs - Blogs - Five Year Anniversary
June 17th 2006 was shufflingdead.com’s five year anniversary. No small feat indeed for most things, especially a website. Of course, I missed the exact date thanks to technical difficulties and laziness. Still, I like to think of this whole year as one long celebration of the glory of old Shufflingdead, part of that celebration was the return of Cock Wars and the next part of it will be revealed right now.
You may have noticed some small changes to the navigation of the site, including a new link, TotW, or "Things of the Week." Essentially, these will be small updates made throughout the week and be of a weekly nature, if that makes any sense.
That probably didn’t make any sense; hopefully this list can do the explaining for me. Since I make my updates in the dead of night I consider them to be made on the days listed, however the date in brackets is when you humans will actually see them:
Sunday (Monday) - Prehistoric Organism of the Week
Tuesday (Wednesday) - Shameful Human of the Week
Wednesday (Thursday) - Pro-Con List of the Week
Friday (Saturday) - Word of the Week
Saturday (Sunday) - Open Letters to Celebrities
Mondays (Tuesdays) will see the return of articles, and Thursdays (Fridays) will see the return of comics. Together, all of this means that Shufflingdead will, in theory, be updated every day with at least a little something. Just what the TotW thing is on a particular day will change over time, and some weeks will be theme weeks, meaning that all of the TotW things will connect somehow. Hooray!
July 12, 2006 - Newbs - Blogs - Meltdown
For the first time in history Shufflingdead.com has actually had to revert back a version. This was all due to the program I was using, Drupal, not working with PHP5, in short, Drupal failed me.
It’s not all bad though; the site will stumble on with Version 9 until I have learned glorious PHP and CSS for myself, at which point I will upgrade the site with an updating program of my own. At some point Shufflingnerds.com will also be relaunched, hopefully with an all new work ethic.
While I was repairing the site from its meltdown, I felt that tinge pride, that I was once again overseeing my empire of HMTL.
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