Shufflingdead > Archives
September 24, 2006 - Newbs - Articles - Reader Mail Bonanza
September 20, 2006 - Newbs - Planet of the Week - Saturn
Saturn is the Planet of the Week. Saturn is most famous for its rings, which is why I've embellished on them in the image. It seems like a lot of ill conceived cartoons, as well as many fantasies, including those of Frank Sinatra, involve walking on the rings of Saturn, which is why some poor idiot can be seen above, suffocating.
September 19, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Celebrities - Shigeru Miyamoto
Look, I know I should be doing a lot of figurative fellatio right now, but there's no time, so you're just going to have to imagine I'm telling you what a great guy you are.
There's something much more important at stake right now, that being Link's handedness. He's left handed, like me, like you. He's been left handed ever since you had to flip his sprite in the original Legend of Zelda, and he should stay that way.
I can see you in this picture holding that sword in your left hand, just like our mutual friend Link, and I know that you really wish you could make the Wii version of Twilight Princess continue the Zelda series' proud tradition of left handed propaganda. And I understand that you're under a tight deadline, but please, just stop sleeping, hire some more people, and give us the option of choosing Link's handedness. Don't make me buy both versions of Twilight Princess just to reassure myself that Link really is left handed.
I have the same favourite movie as you,
September 19, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Fuck
fuck . It's not a fucking cop-out though, because I'm fucking exhausted from fucking life. Fuck, getting up early is a lot of work. Fuck, school is a lot of work. Fuck, Latin is an especial amount of work. Fuck fuck fuck.
September 15, 2006 - Newbs - Game Character Q&A of the Week - Joanna Dark
Q: How's it going?A: Shitty, nobody bought Perfect Dark Zero, and yesterday I caught Bill Gates jerking off while staring at me through my office window at the Carrington Institute.
Q: What's up with the framerate in Perfect Dark?A: My body is slightly out of phase with normal space-time, those were actually jitters in the continuum.
Q: Let's talk about your personal life. Did you ever get boned by your alien friend Elvis?A: You know what they say about a guy with a giant bulbous head.
Q: Seriously, is the Laptop Gun awesome or what?A: I'm not really sure I know how to answer that.
Q: Are you pumped for Wii?A: One day, Microsoft will sell Rare back to Nintendo for 1/20th what they paid, and on that day I shall pump Wii so hard every wand waggling nerd connected to WiiConnect24 will orgasm simultaneously.
September 15, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Blah?
Blah?
Pros
Cons
-blah, blah blah blah blah, blah
-blah!
September 15, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Pope Benedict XVI
Let's review. A guy who grew up in Nazi Germany, who has claimed to not have been a fan of Nazis, is now the head of an organization with perhaps the deepest history of intolerance ever and is lecturing directly against tolerance and freedom. Does this man recognize this irony? Of the billion Catholics in the world, how many see through this wall of bullshit? How many follow his words blindly?
Frankly, I don't even know what else to say about this guy because this isn't really just about him personally, it's about all of the typical closed-minded, bigoted intolerance that comes from him, that came from his predecessor, and comes from many religious leaders around the world. My fury on this subject cannot be summarized in the small amount of space I have to write here, it would likely take a rather hefty textbook.
Living in Canada, I generally get to marry whoever I want, fuck whoever I want, say whatever I want, and believe (or rather, not believe) whatever I want. I get the impression that these are rights Pope Benedict XVI does not deem me worthy of. It's a good thing there is no hell, because I'd hate to spend eternity with this guy.
September 11, 2006 - Newbs - Planet of the Week - Venus
Venus is named for the Roman goddess of love, a name I find particularly fitting. You see, Venus' atmosphere is a toxic doom of carbon dioxide, resulting in deadly hot surface temperatures. Pictured above, Venus can be seen holding in its toxic shame of womanhood.
September 10, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Fictional Characters - Link
I was wondering whether or not I should write you an open letter or do a Q&A with you, when I remembered that you don't exactly talk (other than to ask the princess for the occasional kiss), so I'm going with the letter.
Link, it seems that I'm always saying to various celebrities and fictional characters things like "you're awesome," "you're the fucking man," etc. Well, you are all of those things too, but I would say I have an even greater homoerotic connection with you. You see, I've been playing Zelda games religiously since I was a kid, and I can't help but share in some of your glory. I wish I could run through fields with epic music blaring and whip out my sword when a Stalfos jumps out at me.
I guess I might as well ask you while I've got the chance, but what is it with you and chicks? You run around trying to save that cunt Zelda, even though she never puts out. You get to fuck the hottest chick of all time, Malon, and you don't even care. You even banged Princess Ruto, a Zora, a goddamn fish woman. Seriously dude, what was her vag like? I just, I just can't fathom your sex life.
I'm not Error,
September 10, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Keelhauling
keelhauling is the Word of the Week. Seems this was a form of punishment carried out at sea where a person would be tied to a rope, and then dragged under the ship where his skin would be ripped apart by barnacles. Awesome. Keelhauling needs to be implemented in the next Rampart game as a replacement for plank walking.
September 9, 2006 - Newbs - Game Character Q&A of the Week - Long-job Tetris Block
Q: Can I call you Long-job?A: That's what the ladies call me.
Q: You are probably the key piece in making Tetris such a satisfying game, care to comment?A: The ladies tell me I'm pretty satisfying too.
Q: Don't you ever talk about anything besides sex?A: I penetrate man, that's what I do.
Q: Alright, fine, let's talk about sex. How many chicks do you bang in, say, a month?A: A month? Goddamn, hundreds. It's easy to rack up points because I always do four at once.
Q: Ever give somebody an STD?A: Probably, but she would have never found out. I always kill my women after I fuck them.
September 9, 2006 - Newbs - Pro-Con List of the Week - Should I Catch Up on the TotW?
Pros
Cons
-I won't feel guilty afterwards
-I pretty much feel like curling up into a ball and dying because that's what taking a nap at 7:30pm does to you
September 7, 2006 - Newbs - Shameful Human of the Week - Paul Teutul Sr.
When I was a kid, I watched more TV than anyone, I really do mean that. I watched a lot of fucking television. I grew up on great TLC and Discovery Channel programming; they would have marathons of particular shows that I could and would literally watch for the entire day. These were series about space, dinosaurs, evolution, history, and culture. One show I remember in particular was James Burke's "Connections," and its follow-up's, Connections 2 and Connections 3, which I still regard as one of my all time favourite shows.
TLC has become the home of make-overs, house remodeling, weight loss, and cleaning. Discover Channel has become the home of car repair, motorcycle building, and explosions, and the only show I can stand between the two channels is Mythbusters. It seems like 90% of the time that I check Discovery all I see is Paul Teutul Sr.'s irate, reddened, furious face.
September 4, 2006 - Newbs - Planet of the Week - Neptune
The Planet of the Week is Neptune. Neptune can be seen here sad as hell, being the planet furthest from the sun, and very much alone. He was celebrating a few days ago when his nemesis Pluto finally got kicked out of the planetary club, but now Neptune wonders if anybody will bother visiting him anymore without his idiot neighbour around.
September 3, 2006 - Newbs - Open Letters to Fictional Characters - Chief Miles Edward O'Brien
I've never written to a fictional character before, it only makes sense that you would be my first. You see, I don't know if you're aware of this, but you blow the fucking lid off awesome. Seriously man, you bang your hot wife, you let Bajoran bitches carry your children, and every season you get completely screwed over, but somehow always come out better for it.
You've been around the block. You fought in the Federation-Cardassian War, you served aboard the flagship of The United Federation of Planets, the motherfucking Enterprise, and you served as Chief of Operations on Deep Space Nine during some of the most historic moments in Federation history. I don't mean to just sit here and list accomplishments, but there are just so goddamn many.
I know it might seem like I know about you, but you actually remain a bit of a mystery. For example, just what the fuck is your rank? Aboard the Enterprise you wore two pips, just like any Lieutenant, and apparently they even referred to you as such at some point. In DS9 they try to make it clear that you're a non-commissioned officer, but you seem to tell a lot of people what to do and do more work than anybody else, so why not just get a field commission? You'd be running that place the second Sisko gave himself a heart attack from yelling at the door for being too flat.
Kayakingly yours,
September 2, 2006 - Newbs - Word of the Week - Screwy
screwy . Admittedly, there's just one reason for this decision, and that's because I felt I needed to inform you, the reader, that Chapter 1 of Screwy (my glorious comic) was finally completed.
Of course, I had many good reasons for calling my comic Screwy, so the word can stand on its own anyway. Screwing is a euphemism for sex, "screwy" might conjure up sexual imagery for some. "That's some screwy shit" is also a mighty fine sentence.
September 1, 2006 - Newbs - Comics - Final Battle, Part 2
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